What It’s Really Like Being the Third in a Threesome

Although Michelai, 33 had been in threesomes before, she was typically the person in the relationship inviting an additional body to the mix. But for the first time, she was going to be the third—and she was thrilled by the idea of it.She was approached by a married couple on a trip to Vegas. "They were seeking me out, which also made me a little bit more confident and comfortable,” she says.When it comes to threesomes, conversations usually revolve around experimenting sexually when you’re already in a relationship: What boundaries to discuss, whether it’s the right decision for your and your partner, and what aftercare may look like. It’s rare that the third person in the scenario is addressed. But communication, attention, and care are required for everyone involved, including the person joining just for the night.“A ‘successful threesome’ isn’t about fulfilling the couple’s fantasy—unless that is explicitly discussed, negotiated, and consented to,” sex therapist Dr. Ty David Lerman, PhD tells Cosmopolitan. “Rather, it’s about all parties showing up as equals with all needs, desires, pleasure, and boundaries being honored.”And when you do it right, it can be really hot and fun, without all of the responsibility that may come if you’re the one in the relationship.“It kinda takes all of the pressure off of me,” Jess, 30 says.So, What’s It Like Being the Third?Jess joined her best girlfriend and her situationship at the time. At first, it was just to watch them (which she really enjoyed). But eventually it turned into a regular hookup with the both of them.Stepping into an established couple’s world could feel awkward, but Michelai says it didn’t. Because she’d been the “primary” woman before, she knew which questions to ask. “I made sure there were no unspoken rules,” she says. “I laid everything out on the table, and they laid everything out on the table.”She also read the room. The husband was clearly letting his wife lead, so Michelai directed her questions to the wife before she ever approached him. And the husband’s etiquette in the moment won her over: “I really respected that he would straight-up ask her something in the middle of us doing something, like whether he could do this or that. I was like, ‘You know what? Hell yeah.’”Jess, meanwhile, felt like a bit of an outsider at first—but only because she wanted to give her friend time to adjust. Since the threesome was her idea, she didn’t want to overstep. “The first time I was with them, I just watched,” she says. Afterward, her friend and the situationship asked her: Why didn’t you touch yourself? Why didn’t you join? “I didn’t want to overstep.”Since then Jess has learned how important communication is to being a third.Communicate With the Couple“Communication is probably just as important as the threesome itself,” Michelai says. “You need to know what everyone wants, what everyone’s comfortable with, and what everyone is expecting the experience to be.”She’s heard the horror stories of couples that only sought out a third to save the relationship or where boundaries were drawn around the man’s pleasure in an MFF.“There’s a term in the polyamory community called ‘unicorn hunters,’” Dr. Lerman says. It’s reserved for a couple, usually heterosexual, seeking a third, usually a woman, to fulfill a fantasy, usually the man’s. In practice, he says, this often means the couple using the third for their own purposes. “The third feeling objectified, used by one or both of the couple, disempowered to really consent to the role they are playing for the couple, and often leaving unsatisfied.”His fix is a stoplight system: green means hell yes, yellow means needs negotiation, red means hell no. He recommends running through it before anyone gets near a bedroom, and using it again mid-action, because consent is ongoing and can be revoked at any time. Or just ask, “How is everyone doing?” Simple, and it works.But this doesn’t mean there’s a set routine that’s going to play out in the moment. “There’s this expectation that threesomes are all three people going at it equally, but I think it can be something a little bit more defined than that,” Jess says. She and her friend had decided beforehand that they wanted to “use him like a toy,”—something he had no issue with—so the two women didn’t hook up with each other. The rules can be unconventional as long as everyone agrees to them.And as unsexy as it may seem to have a lot of discussion, it really pays off during the sex.“We had conversations about everything before we got in the bedroom, so when we got in the bedroom, everything felt really organic,” Michelai says.Red FlagsBeing a third may seem more “relaxed” than being in the couple inviting another person in, but there are still instances where it might not be a fit.A major red flag is if it’s obvious that the couple hasn’t talked to each other. “A major tell for the third in vetting a couple is if the couple has already had these conversations before you enter the picture,” Dr. Lerman says. “If they haven’t, don’t walk, run! It’s a glaring red flag that they do not know what they want, and they don’t have the communication skills to talk about it together, which means they sure aren’t going to be able to do that with you either.”Things like double standards, rules that only apply to you, no conversation about sexual health, or any action that may make you feel like more of an accessory than a person.“Pay attention to how the couple reacts when you say no, or voice a need, or your own boundary,” he says.Michelai saw the flip side of this when she was the primary. She and her boyfriend brought in one of her best friends from college. “He was hyper-focused on her for like 10 minutes, and that was the longest 10 minutes of my life,” she says. She left the room. (“Should I have left? Probably not.”)Aftercare Still MattersFor the person who goes home alone, aftercare can be an afterthought, which is exactly the problem. Couples often assume that once the sexual interaction is over, it’s fine for the third to just get up and leave. But how would that feel in any other sexual scenario? Not so great, right?Michelai explains that the married couple made sure to make her feel welcomed—without any awkward obligation to feel part of the relationship. “We definitely had the Kiki, cuddle, laughs, yap session after each time we had sex, and I felt very comfortable.” The wife even asked for alone time with her, so the two ordered champagne and took a bubble bath while the husband slept. “We didn’t have sex again without him, but we were cute, cuddly, making out, and had a really nice bubble bath.”And when it was over, it was over. “I think we all happily had a great experience and happily went our separate ways,” she says.Jess’s first time was a different story. The guy got weird afterward. “He was like, ‘OK, I’m just going to go to bed,’ and didn’t invite us to stay the night or ask how it went or anything like that, which was very jarring.” She and her friend salvaged the night with a debrief on the car ride home: How did you feel? Did you like that? It was hot when he did this. Ideally, she says, everyone would debrief together, or at least one-on-one.Dr. Lerman says aftercare should be negotiated upfront, like everything else. “Good aftercare looks like starting that conversation ahead of any play,” he says. Will there be a puppy pile of cuddling? A text the next day? A second date to debrief? “If we can’t consent to aftercare, we don’t play. Simple.” Being the third adds a layer: what happens when the couple goes back to being a couple and you’re outside it? “Aftercare is ultimately about making sure nobody feels disposable once the clothes go back on.”What Makes a Good Couple to Join?“I think you can suss out the vibe and feel the vibe between the couple to know if it’s a safe space to join in on,” Michelai says. She’s flattered when couples approach her, too. “That actually makes me feel more confident.”Jess’s criteria are simple: both people have to be into it. “It wasn’t just one of the partners trying to do something sexually adventurous.” And she wants to be treated like a person. “These are real people that you’re probably going to be having a sexual encounter with, and they should be treated as such.” Couples can get a little fetishistic about a third, she says, but you can weed that out quickly by seeing whether both of them want to sit and talk with you like a real human.“The most common mistake occurs when a couple takes on the mindset of ordering up a sexual experience rather than approaching this as a negotiation with all parties,” Dr. Lerman says says. Opening with a laundry list of rules the third has no say in creates a power imbalance from the jump. He also warns against expecting equal chemistry all around, which rarely happens. Be conscious of everyone and bring them all into the play, but let attraction go where it goes.