The Mean And Unhinged Things My Friends And I Said To Each Other While Playing Sonic Pico Park

I wrangled a group of my friends together to play through Sonic Pico Park, the Sonic-themed spin on the notoriously challenging and rewarding co-op puzzle platformer that requires constant communication and precise timing while also making it very, very easy to self-sabotage. It’s good! My friends and I played through it in around three hours and had a great time. However, because Pico Park is notoriously chaotic, I figured, rather than trying to describe the experience of struggling to get your friends to lock in and complete its dozens of puzzles, I would simply give you a transcription of some of the shit we said to each other in loving frustration along the way, featuring the following illustrious participants: Brenden Groom (Pass the Controller) Jesse Vitelli (Big Talk, Twitch streamer @MamaVitelli) Kallie Plagge (The Verge) Kenneth Shepard (that’s me) Michael Higham (IGN) Dude, I hate the way Espio looks in this game, it’s fucking awful. I’m so curious why they fucked him like this. — JV [Changes to Blaze the Cat] I’m Blaze. I’m Blazing it. — JV [After scrolling through the level menu and seeing Big the Cat] What the fuck? Big the Cat! — JV What’s Big doing here? — BG We gotta get to Big the Cat. No, don’t skip to him. But we gotta get to Big. — JV We gotta lock in and get to him. — KS That’s our reward. — JV [Brenden picks a green variant of Sonic to play as instead of any of the actual characters] I hate green Sonic with a fucking passion. — KS Why do you look like Shiny Espeon? What the fuck is that shit? — JV [After failing a puzzle] Okay, I need y’all to lock in. We have to run together. — KS We’re waiting for you! — BG No, crucially, y’all ran ahead. — KS You just want to be in front, and I’m Green Sonic. The fastest character in the game. — BG I’m Blaze. Blazing it. — JV How is this better than every Sonic game? — BG Fuck off. — KS All right, best Sonic games of all time. It goes Sonic Pico Park…Fortnite… — BG [After we solved a puzzle without his input] I love a game where I don’t have to play. — BG I want to fistfight Green Sonic with brass knuckles. — KS © Sega / Kotaku [As we’re tossing a ring back and forth among us so we can survive an incoming environmental hazard] Do y’all know that episode of Jimmy Neutron where they were trying to distract, like, a brainwashed groom at a fake wedding, and then they all start singing gospel about where they’re like, “I have the ring”? — KS I have a vague recollection of this episode. — JV Well, then I will not continue to go down this path because nobody remembers it. — KS [We tell Brenden to do something] Sorry, I was looking up Jimmy Neutron episodes. — BG I’m trying to imagine what a game of this is like without voice chat, because you got those like text responses you can do. — KS Yeah, absolute fucking nightmare. — BG Although I mean, the game’s a nightmare with voice chat too, so I don’t really know if that helps. — KS [Finishing a level] I wish you got points based on who went through [the goal] first. Like it would slightly just up the chaos a little bit. — BG I don’t think we need any more of that. — KS I think the game would thrive on that. — BG [We got to a water level] Green Sonic, you’re blue! Just as God intended. — KS It’s more teal. — BG It’s all relative. — KS [We reach the Big the Cat level and find out that he is so large that he can hurt his teammates] Big the Cat is a threat. — JV [We find out Vector the Crocodile is also playable in these levels] Vector! Slay! — KS [Us entering the next level, in which E-123 Omega is the designated big guy] If Omega is gonna be in this next world I’m gonna be freaking the fuck ou-LET’S FUCKING GO! — KS I will, at some point, need for us to come back here so I can get a shot of Team Dark. — KS © Sega / Kotaku [The game gives us uncharacteristically straightforward directions] I thought the game was lying to us. — JV I did too, that’s why I didn’t do it. — BG Why would I deceive you? — KS [I ran into a trap] It’s a trap. Nice job Ken. — BG I’m gonna fucking fight you. — KS Let’s go back to the big guy levels. These little guys suck now. — BG Yeah, I do fear now that we’ve been given a taste of the big guys and did the Big Man Blastoise, the rest of the game’s not gonna be as exciting. — JV Brenden, how does it feel to be a hedgehog that looks like a booger? — KS You didn’t let me change my character. — BG Are you offering to switch off Green Sonic? — KS I could be tempted. — BG It would be nice if he wasn’t in all my fucking screenshots. — KS [We realize Silver the Hedgehog floats in his idle animation] They’ve definitely found little ways to put their flourishes in there, which is kind of neat. [Sonic Pico Park] is a very weird thing to exist, but it’s cool. — JV [Michael and Kallie join us and we’re heading to a level called Thinking Park] Thinking Park? I’ve never been. — MH Please do not pick a character who sucks ass because I’m taking screenshots. — KS He means we all need to be the Sonic ones on top. — BG Shut the fuck up. — KS He wants eight Sonics. I think it would be good if we were all of these colors as Sonic. — BG I’m Charmy Beeeeeeee! (said with an upward inflection) — JV (This would be repeated multiple times throughout the night and in the days that have followed when not even playing Sonic Pico Park) Who do you think would win in a fight: Charmy Bee or Miror B? (from Pokémon Colesseum) — – JV I think Miror B would just throw a Poké Ball at him. — KS [We reach a level based on grinding] Grinding! They call me Grindr the way I be grinding. — KS [The game says “press down to get off” in its tutorial] Press down to get off! — JV Press down to get off? That’s crazy. — BG Press down to get off? We really are on Grindr. — KS Yeah, okay. Great. We all had the same fucking joke. Everybody made the same fucking joke 10 different ways. — JV Charmy Beeeeee. — JV Charm my B? — MH Charm my D, come on. — KP [We fuck something up] I would like to remind everybody that the X button jumps. — JV You control the buttons you press. — KP Who killed Charmy Bee? — JV The down button, apparently. — KS He was just a child. He was so young. — JV Do you think Rouge the Bat is Latina? — MH Do I think Rouge the Bat is Latina? I have no comment on that. — KP I was so distracted by that that I rolled right into the spike. — KS “Do I think Rouge the Bat is Latina?” Everybody dies. — JV Where is Charmy Bee from? — MH Sonic. — JV and KS All right. — MH I do think at some point we need to go back and show [the newcomers] the large boys. — KS I would love this. — KP They made Sonic inflation canon? — MH No, they just made large lads. — KS Poor Ken is just gonna have an article that’s just like “Charmy Bee” written 1000 times. — KP Can we talk about how the UK banned face-sitting porn? — KP Nice, you guys didn’t have to do that a second time. Yay! Sometimes it’s quick and easy. You just gotta get off fast. That’s what Sonic’s always saying. Gotta get off fast. — JV [Puzzle that requires slow movement] Yeah, you can’t go too fast, which is counterintuitive. — KP Contrary to popular belief, you should not go fast in a Sonic game. — JV [We enter a level where we all control different flippers on a pinball table and the balls are falling into the void] Right, so Brenden, you just don’t care about hitting your flippers? — JV Sorry, I just zoned out. [Doesn’t zone back in as he’s telling the story of his Halloweekend] — BG All right, stand on my head. Stand on my head. Stay on my head. — KS The spaghetti killed everybody. — BG I’m gonna spin off of Ken’s head. [dies] That was my fault. — BG Who else’s fault would that one have been? I don’t think I needed someone to claim whose fault that one was. — JV I need to get out of the way so he doesn’t hit me with a fucking stupid fork. — JV I’m not fully convinced it’s over. Oh, no, that’s the “we did it” music. But I feel like there’s gotta be…what’s the last level? It’s escape from the city, and we ride skateboards or whatever. — JV It’s Big the Cat. We just gotta go fishing with Big the Cat. — BG Yeah, fuck everybody, man. Fuck this game. I’m glad this is the last level. Fuck this shit, man. — JV [It was not the last level] [We reach the end of the game and get a “Thanks for playing” screen] There it is. Look at that everybody: the three main characters: Charmy Bee, Shadow, and Cream, or whatever the fuck your name is. — JV © Sega / Kotaku Anyway, Sonic Pico Park is available next week on November 12 and it’s a fun time, even for your friends who have no taste and don’t like Sonic the Hedgehog.