The 10 marriage-ending sentences you should never say to your partner. Even in the heat of an argument, these throwaway lines can do SO much damage, says TRACEY COX. Here's what to try instead

We've all said things in the heat of an argument with our partner that we didn't fully mean. Problem is, you can't put the genie back in the bottle once it's out there.So many of the words couples think are throwaway lines do far more damage than we realise.Studies show having contempt for your partner – continually attacking their character and belittling them – is one of the strongest predictors of divorce.Those accusing comments aren't just unkind, they're deadly.The next time you feel the urge to say one of these ten sentences, stop, take a breath, and try these alternatives.Your relationship will thank you for it – and you might just get what you want.'THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT'This puts all the blame on your partner for a situation that almost certainly took two people to create. They're immediately on the defensive, stop listening and instead mentally prepare their defence of why they aren't entirely to blame.Instead say: 'I think we both handled that badly.' Sharing the responsibility, even if you secretly think it was more like 90/10, makes it more likely you'll work as a team not as opponents.'THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU'The Rule That Must Never Be Broken in relationships is that you can criticise your partner's behaviour but not the person. Saying, 'There's something wrong with you,' attacks their fundamental character. It isn't what they did that was wrong, it's who they are. Deeply personal and ill-advised.Instead say: 'The way you spoke to me/what you did really hurt me.' Stick to what happened and how it made you feel rather than criticise their core. UK relationship expert Tracey Cox (pictured) shared the 10 phrases to avoid'YOU ALWAYS...'Nobody ALWAYS does anything and your partner knows it. Which means the second these words leave your mouth, the argument stops being about the actual issue and becomes about whether the word 'always' is accurate.Instead say: 'You've done this a few times recently and I want to understand why.' It's more specific, harder to argue with and is genuinely curious. It invites your partner to open up to you rather than defend themselves.'YOU NEVER...'The twin of 'you always' and wrong for all the same reasons. They'll quickly come up with the one time they did do whatever it is you're accusing them of not doing – and whatever you were upset about gets lost.Instead say: 'I'd love it if you did this more often.' Asking for what you want, not what you don't want is a good rule to adopt for anything in life. Everyone responds better to a request than an accusation.'WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE...'Comparing your partner to your friend's husband, your colleague's partner, or – worst of all – your ex, is waving the proverbial red flag to a bull. It won't make them change but it will make them furious.My friend James remembers his ex-wife constantly comparing him to her sister's partner. 'She'd say, "Sarah's husband does the school run every day without being asked." It didn't make me want to do the school run more, it just made me hate Sarah's husband, which made life even more difficult.'Zero accomplished and an argument guaranteed.Instead say: 'It would mean a lot to me if you did this more often.' As I said, you're way better off saying what you actually want rather than making unfavourable comparisons.'I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M WITH YOU'Is there a person alive who wouldn't be incredibly upset if their partner said this to them? It's designed to wound deeply – and it does. Even if it's said in anger, you didn't mean it and you're back to normal in an hour, your partner will remember you said this. It questions the foundation of the relationship and says, 'This isn't the only thing I'm angry about, in fact it's pretty much the last straw. I'm unhappy about everything.'Instead say: Nothing, until you've had a chance to get some distance from whatever happened to make you so upset. If you must say something in the heat of the moment, say, 'I'm really unhappy about this and we need to talk properly.' It lets them know it's serious without detonating everything.'CALM DOWN'If there's another phrase guaranteed to do the opposite of what it's asking, let me know.Telling someone to calm down when they're upset has never once, in the history of relationships, ever calmed anyone down. It tells the upset person their emotional reaction to what's happened is the problem, not whatever caused it. The most common response to 'calm down' is another frequently used phrase in arguments, this one beginning with F.Instead say: 'I can see you're really upset – tell me why so I understand.' Recognising the emotion instead of dismissing it makes people feel heard. Which is usually all they wanted in the first place.'FINE. WHATEVER'This is the verbal equivalent of slamming a door. It shuts down communication because it signals you've given up on being understood. You sulk for an hour; they aren't sure what the hell is going on and you both feel even more irritated.Instead say: 'I need a bit of time out for a moment before I can talk about this properly.' We say, 'Fine. Whatever,' when we feel we aren't being listened to. Taking a break can give both of you a chance to regain focus.'YOU'RE SO SELFISH'Another attack on someone's character rather than a specific complaint about their behaviour. No one likes to be called selfish. Most people shut down completely when this is levelled at them.Instead say: 'Can you please put your plates in the dishwasher?' Yes, you are sensing a theme here. More of what you want, not what you don't. The more specific the request the better.'YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER/FATHER'This is below the belt for many, many reasons. If your partner loves their parents, good luck if you continue criticising them. He'll choose them every time.If they have issues with their parents, they probably told you about them in a vulnerable moment ('My biggest fear is that I'm going to end up like my father/mother.') Using this information against them is unforgiveable and almost impossible to truly come back from.Instead say: Nothing or anything but this. There is never a time or instance when it's OK to chuck this at someone you love.For more relationship advice, visit traceycox.com. Follow Tracey @traceycoxsexauthor.