Satire | Your feedback is important to us

Dear Most Valued Customer,Thank you for choosing New India Elite Automotive Salvation for servicing your esteemed vehicle. Our records show that you have not filled our Customer Satisfaction Survey.Your feedback is important to us. It will help us understand what we did well, document where we can improve, and identify outstanding employees who we can lay off.Please note that the information you share will be kept confidential and your data will be used solely for the purpose of improving our services (and our revenues) by having our sales team auction them to reputed data-mining specialists.Thank you for your continued trust in us.— NIEAS Customer Satisfaction Team***Dear Valued Customer,It’s been 45 minutes since we returned your car to you. You have still not filled the feedback form. We request you to take this seriously. The survey should take only a few hours to complete. Thank you once again for your time.— NIEAS Customer Delight Team*** This column is a satirical take on life and society. Dear Customer,Thank you for informing us that you’ve already filled a hardcopy survey form at the service centre. But that feedback form covers only the Service Advisor Interaction and not the entire NIEAS experience.You must have received a link to SurveyDonkey on WhatsApp, SMS and email. Please click on the link and complete the online survey.— NIEAS Customer Joy Team***Dear Sir,Thank you for letting us know that our Customer Satisfaction questionnaire is “too long, too complicated, and as difficult as an unleaked NEET question paper”. We are, however, disappointed that you did not even attempt half the questions. Please note that there are no right or wrong answers, and on successful completion of the survey, you will get 500 loyalty points, which you can convert into 500 euros any time you wish to access our services in France.We strongly urge you to complete our Customer Satisfaction Survey ASAP.— NIEAS Customer Pleasure Team***Hello!!!We have been calling you every 15 minutes for the past 15 days and you are simply not answering! Not only are you uncooperative, you have blocked all the 105 different numbers used by the seven members of our small Customer Pleasure team (we typically provide only 15 SIM cards per employee).May we remind you that the software updates we installed last year in your car’s infotainment system enable us to record everything you gossip about while driving and also track you non-stop. With your driving history and integrated AI, we can predict exactly where you will be at any given moment. You do not want to antagonise us. Fill the feedback form NOW!— NIEAS Customer Bliss Team***Hello Mister,Thank you for finally filling in all 743 pages of our feedback form. We are delighted to note that you are ‘Very Satisfied’ with the quality of our service, that you ‘Strongly Agree’ that our pricing was ‘Reasonable’ and that you found the cleanliness and comfort of the Waiting Area to be ‘Excellent’.But we are shocked that you have rated the ‘Overall NIEAS Experience’ as only ‘outstanding’ and not, as we were expecting, ‘too good to be true’. Frankly, we were expecting a rating of at least ‘mind-blowing’, if not ‘out of this world’. As you are surely aware, a lot, including our performance bonus, depends on the ratings we get. So go back to the survey and change this one rating so we can close this.— NIEAS Customer Euphoria Team***Dei,What is this nonsense? Of course we know you can’t go back and change just one answer, and that you have to do the whole survey all over again to change your response to Q.493 — that is part of our security protocol. So what if it is tedious? Just do it again — unless you want to suffer the consequences of calling us “outstanding”.— NIEAS Customer Rapture Team***Dear Mr. Samaapth,Congratulations! You have finished our survey! Having carefully reviewed your responses, we regret to inform you that NIEAS staffers who interacted with you have found your answers to be ‘below expectations’. Accordingly, we are withdrawing the 0.05% special discount we had provided on engine oil, lubricants, car shampoo and nail polish. As per our new bill (enclosed), please transfer the remainder amount due, totalling ₹99,476.Also, please click on the link to a feedback form that we’ve sent you by WhatsApp, SMS and email and share your feedback on the experience of giving us your feedback.Looking forward to serving you again.— NIEAS Customer Ecstasy TeamThe author of this satire is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.