My Parents Died. My Brother’s Been Living in Their $1.5 Million Home Rent-Free—and That’s Not the Worst Part.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by alexeys/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My parents owned two houses. One was my childhood home in the suburbs and one was a house on a lake about an hour away. During my mother’s battle with Alzheimer’s, my father, who was her primary caregiver, had a debilitating stroke, and my siblings and I moved both of them into the lake house. It was easier to install bedrooms and a shower on the first floor, and they had 24-hour home health aids to take care of them. Around this time, my older brother left his wife. He moved into my parent’s vacant family home in the suburbs. We all cut him some slack because it was a difficult time. But he never left and he never paid rent. Although he covered some utilities, he lived extremely cheaply—”borrowing” the wifi from the church across the street, slipping his garbage in with the neighbors to avoid paying for pick up, you get the idea. After my mother passed, we sold the home and he moved into the lake house with our father. He did help my dad to a degree, keeping him company, taking him out, etc, but we still paid for 24-hour care and my brother still did not pay any rent. My sisters and I assumed he had some sort of arrangement with our oldest brother, who handled our father’s finances, but apparently, he did not. Fast forward to now, our father has passed as well as our oldest brother, leaving this brother as executor of the estate. At this point, he has lived rent-free for approximately eight years. He has been gainfully employed and earning an excellent salary this entire time. Although it seems too late to collect eight years of back rent, my sisters and I feel he should pay rent (to the estate) while he is sorting it out. Frankly, he has a conflict of interest at this point. The house is likely worth at least $1.5 million. Is there any way to force him to do this? Some of us could really use the money! —Dreams Filled With Eight Years of Rent Money Dear Dreams, While it’s possible to challenge your brother’s role as executor, it won’t be easy. You’ll have to provide documentation that he has a conflict of interest, and that can be hard to do if there’s nothing to document. You’d also need to consult with a probate or estate attorney to help you with this process, and that can be costly, too. Before you jump to that option, talk to your brother about the issue. He might have a different take on the matter and not realize that rent was an issue. Maybe he offered to pay rent and your parents didn’t let him. Maybe he just didn’t think about it. Maybe he put in more work taking care of your father than everyone realizes. Try to broach this conversation without sounding accusatory, because that will just put him on the defensive and make the talk wholly unproductive. Tell him that you and the rest of the siblings think it’s only fair that rent is taken into consideration when executing the will. Of course, talk to your siblings first to make sure everyone agrees with you and is on the same page. If you can come up with a specific number you’re asking your brother to consider distributing between you and your other siblings, that would also be helpful. The more prepared you are, the easier it will be for him to take your concern seriously. If he won’t budge and you still feel strongly about this issue, your next step will be to find a good probate or estate attorney and schedule a consultation. But these matters can deepen family divides, so if you do go that route, make sure you’re prepared for the potential fallout. —Kristin Wong From: My Parents Left Us a Million-Dollar Lake House. My Brother Is Standing In The Way. (July 3rd, 2024). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, My son is 19 years old and in college. He refused to get a job his first two semesters because he was too busy with his girlfriend, with whom he ended up sharing his dorm. I was not aware of this girl’s existence in that manner and now, because I let my son know how disappointed I am of him… it only made matters worse. In their mind, it’s him and her against the world. Yet neither of them work full-time. This is a gentleman I would always see with a book in his hand. How do I knock some sense into him? —College Job Dear College Job, You don’t. Your son is 19 years old, and biologically speaking, he’s nowhere near ready to take on the responsibilities of being a grown-up. His brain will still be developing well into his 20s. But, he is legally an adult, and you have to let him start to experience the consequences of his actions. But before we get there, how’s the rest of his life going? Is he getting good grades? Is he able to focus at all while being in this relationship? Is he letting his other friendships fall to the wayside? If he’s getting good grades and having fun, but you feel he should (or already promised to) contribute financially to his education, that’s one thing. If his grades are sliding and you think getting a job will be “punishment” enough to get him back on track, that’s another. Assuming it’s the former, decide what you think his contribution should be. The next time he’s home, you can sit him down and have a conversation with him that goes something like this: You: Son, we need you to help out with your college expenses.Son: But I’m working hard for my grades and don’t have time.You: In life, we all have to make choices we don’t particularly like, and we can’t fund your beer money anymore. We expect you to find a way to contribute X amount to your schooling. Then stick to it. Don’t bring up the girlfriend. Don’t bring up what you had to do when you went to school. This is just about his agreement to help—you’re asking him to stick to that. And a word of advice for you: don’t think making him get a job will get him to dump the girl. Instead, try the opposite approach: make friends. Invite her in. As my friend Michael likes to say, “Be on the acceptance committee, not the admission committee.” That way, it might be you, your son, and whomever he’s dating at the moment, against the world. —Ilyce Glink From: The Reason My Son Refuses To Get A Job In College Is Ridiculous. I Made The Mistake Of Telling Him So. (July 1st, 2024). Dear Pay Dirt, “Oh, the poor struggling doctors in America!” said somewhat farcically. But it actually is kind of true for a lot of physicians these days who have tons of schooling debt and work for big box corporations milking their labor. Here’s our situation: We’ve both been in training up until now, each making around $90,000, which is decent for a resident salary, living in a high-cost-of-living area. We have been essentially equal in terms of income and we split living expenses 50/50. I have $300,000 of debt (which is average) and my partner has $40,000 due to scholarships. In our marriage, we have decided to individually be responsible for our own debt. Now that we are recently married, my question pertains to the “yours, mine, and ours” account system. In my first job, I will be making $250,000. Because of their own health concerns and personal preference, my partner has decided to work half-time and makes around $120,000. This is not a point of contention and I support anyone who wants to live a balanced life! The point of contention is that we each have very different saving styles pre-marriage. Even on a resident salary in a HCOL area, I put away $80,000 between a Roth IRA and a high-yield savings account. My partner does not place as big of an emphasis on avidly saving and their assets are around $30,000. My concern is how the discrepancy in saving styles will affect us going forward. Seeing how on the same salary I put away more than twice their nest egg, I worry that with the salary difference coming up (with me earning twice theirs), this divide will just grow. I worry about being resentful that I will be the party earning more AND putting more away due to different spending habits. (I also acknowledge that the differences in our debt burden may have characterized our respective habits. I live comfortably according to me—I have all the creature comforts I need, but didn’t feel the need to “spend like a doctor doctor” during training because I wasn’t at that stage of life yet.) Our financial advisor has advised each party to put 25 percent of their post-tax monthly paycheck into savings. Thus, this “ours” account (which is a HYSA) grows at a glacial pace (in my opinion). We have the financial goals most people have: house downpayment, expenses for kids in the future, paying off our individual loans, maxing out our individual retirement accounts, and enjoying reasonable (not lavish) vacations and hobbies. I even suggested that it seemed reasonable to me to “live like a resident” for the next year or two and save all the extra. What do you think is an equitable “ours” account growth mindset given these discrepancies in earnings and debt? —What’s Up Doc? Dear Doc, Actually, your question is about choices and decisions. The most impactful decision you’ve made to date is not talking directly to each other about how you save and spend money. That needs to change, if you want to have a long and happy marriage. I wonder why you’ve chosen to fund a Roth IRA and put away money in a high-yield savings account but not pay down a significant portion of your debt. Likewise, I wonder why your spouse hasn’t taken some or all of their savings and paid down what’s left of their student loans. I understand wanting to have an emergency account and saving for a down payment, but having $330,000 worth of student loan debt will eat significantly into your ability to buy a house, let alone fund the rest of your financial goals, even with a combined salary approaching $400,000 per year. You say that you don’t resent your spouse for choosing a more balanced lifestyle. But, I read an undercurrent of envy in your letter, even as your savings build. They have a tenth of your debt, and could be debt-free tomorrow if they chose to use their savings to pay off their loans. It will take some years before you’re in that situation. Perhaps you should each focus on paying off your own debts as quickly as possible and then start the process of building your financial lives together. If your partner is willing to continue to live on $180,000 per year, you should use everything else you earn (after you fully fund your 401(k)) to pay down your debt as quickly as possible. They should use their extra funds (after contributing to their 401(k)) to pay off their debt, and then stash the rest in savings. If you choose to pay off your debt first, you’ll find it relatively easy (even in a HCOL area) to save for a home, kids, and retirement on your higher salaries. None of this can happen, however, until you and your spouse sit down and talk through your financial priorities. They have to buy into a shared vision of your short- and long-term goals. If you can’t agree, it doesn’t matter how much you both put into a shared account. You’ll always be watching the bottom line with frustration. And, that’s no way to live. —I.G. From: We Just Got Married. I Can Already Tell Our Financial Agreement Was A Big Mistake. (July 9th, 2024). More Money Advice From Slate My husband and I have a rocky marriage. I am in therapy trying to work out staying with someone who is a great dad but very moody and carries far less than his household share. But today it got worse when he came to me with a confession. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Personal Finance Real Estate