I’ve Reached Out to My Biological Father for Years. His “Response” Speaks Volumes.

Dear Prudence Prudie replies to readers’ comments and suggestions. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Nov 13, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Slate and makoto takahashi/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday. Hey Prudie, Your response to Maybe, Maybe Not was note-perfect. This is exactly what I would want to hear from my biological father—if those were his actual feelings about the situation. Like the letter writer, my father has been married for 20-plus years and has five other children with his wife. I was born 17 years before they even met. Though I don’t know for sure, I doubt she knows about my existence, even though my father does and was never in my life. I have sent him messages via social media over the years, only to be met with crickets. My guess is, like the LW, he believes that acknowledging me would destroy his family. I feel like Prudie’s response gives the daughter hope that she might have a relationship with the LW someday. And if that’s not the case, then silence speaks volumes. It is much kinder than an explicit response rejecting the daughter or allowing her to hold on to false hope. —Long Lost Daughter Hey Prudie, Re Maybe, Maybe Not: I am like the newfound daughter discovering at 52 that my dad was not my biological father through DNA testing. Rejections from the new family can be traumatic and harmful to mental health. I love your response, Prudie. —Tracy The praise from two authorities on this situation inspired me to re-read my response and pat myself on the back! I’m really happy to hear that this was something that would have been helpful to read in a very emotionally intense situation. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Hey Prudie, Some things came to mind when reading the letter from Bored: Oversharing/overexplaining and not picking up on social cues could indicate some kind of neurodivergence. Perhaps it has become more noticeable now that Bored and Mrs. Bored are spending more time together.Bored didn't mention that the wife's style of communication is a problem for anyone else at these events. It doesn't sound like Mrs. Bored's stories are not well-received. I get the impression that perhaps Bored is listening to stories he's heard before—an inevitable thing when you've been in a relationship for a long time. However, if the other people at these social gatherings are new acquaintances or haven't heard the story before, I can understand Mrs. Bored's intention to try and contextualize her story.Why does Bored feel he can only engage meaningfully in conversations when his wife isn't in attendance? Can he not find other people to mingle with while Mrs. is telling one of her stories? I could be wrong, but I do wonder if Bored might be jealous of how engaging others find Mrs. Bored. Does he feel the conversation flows better because he is the focus?Has the letter writer considered that the Mrs. is Bored and Lonely in her retirement? While it sounds like Bored is more content with less socialization, it may not be the same for her. Other than these gatherings, how else does she spend her days, and more importantly, how often does she feel heard? These gatherings might be her only outlet for human connection. All that to say, I feel like the LW needs to do some reflection to determine what about these gatherings bothers him and why. He should also find out what need the gatherings fulfill for his wife. Answers to these questions will likely help them move forward. —Converse All Stars All good points. I was also wondering whether anyone else had a problem with the long stories. It seems to me like if they did, that would have been mentioned. Your idea about potential jealousy is very intriguing to me. I think you might be on to something there. Hey Prudie, I agree with Prudie’s response to Bored. Consider this: You’re both retired now. You’re probably spending more time alone together than you have in years. That can magnify those traits and quirks we don’t exactly find endearing about our partners (she probably has some complaints about you, too). It sounds like she’s always been a storyteller (let’s frame it positively), but maybe in the past you were able to avoid or even actively ignore her because of work or other obligations. Now you don’t have that buffer. If no one else at these gatherings is bothered by her conversation style, that’s a you problem. But maybe it’s not the problem you think. It sounds like you’re not completely invested in these gatherings, period. You said you’d prefer to go only once a month. Are you using your wife’s storytelling as an excuse to bow out? It does sound like you put the impetus for change on her (“I can’t enjoy these gatherings because you talk too much”), and that’s not really fair. If you don’t like these gatherings, own it. Be honest with your wife. But because she does like these gatherings and it sounds like she wants to enjoy them with you, perhaps you can find an activity to share together that doesn’t involve so much conversation. Take up a sport, take a dance class, a painting class—whatever activity you DO enjoy, try to share it with her. Then, if people are drawn in by her effervescent personality and she does regale them, at least you’ll be engaged in something you enjoy. —No Problemo Exactly! So many things about life are very hard and unavoidable. Happy hour isn’t one of them. He doesn’t need to torture himself. Hey Prudie, This is for Bad Actress: I wonder if you could shift your thinking slightly and be enthusiastic about the intention behind the gift rather than the gift itself? Office gift exchanges are tricky; you’re engaging in something that’s kind of personal in a professional setting, often with people you may only talk to via email or video call. That’s why a lot of people will put a price limit on gifts or do a White Elephant exchange. It’s supposed to be a fun activity in the spirit of giving. It sounds like this is your first gift exchange with these folks. You don’t know what anyone’s gift-giving style is. Maybe there are some really fantastic people who put a lot of thought and effort into it. Keep in mind that they may not know you very well yet, but they are inviting you to take part in a whole group activity where you can get to know each other. All that to say you don’t have to pretend to like whatever gift you’re given, but if you are genuinely grateful for being included, you could let them know and express that sentiment. Another suggestion would be to write a thank-you note. Even if your reaction to a gift is kind of lukewarm, a thank-you note often says more than words can. —Noted Yes, focusing on the intention is a great idea. Now if it’s clear that the gifter grabbed the first festive mug packed with hot chocolate they saw on display in the holiday gift section of the grocery store, appreciation might be harder to muster. Even then, maybe it would be possible to find some gratitude for having pleasant colleagues (and a job, period!) who participate in this kind of thing? Hey Prudie, Re Remarried: I think that you were so blinded by your own (understandable) grief that you can’t see things from your daughter’s perspective. As Prudie said, your daughter lost her mother suddenly and abruptly, as you did. What she left out is just how unique, complex, and important the mother/daughter relationship is. As the only daughter, I’m sure they had a very special bond that you and her brothers won’t understand. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you made the decision to sell the house without talking to your kids about it first and asking for their input. For you, selling your home was a way to free you from all the reminders of your wife. By selling the house, you took control of the situation. From your daughter’s perspective, you got rid of a tangible connection to her mother and her own past. It sounds like you both felt closer to her mother at that house, and while you may not have needed it, it sounds like your daughter did and still does. This was yet another situation over which she had no say or control. Then you got remarried, and you’re happy. While there’s nothing wrong with that, I think where your misstep happened is ignoring your daughter’s very real grief. You got to process in your own way (downsizing, remarrying). Give her time to process in her own way. Don’t force the relationship between her and your new wife; it is the one thing your daughter feels she can control right now. Let her choose when she feels able to accept your new wife. —Tempus Fugit Yes. I mean, as some people who felt I was too soft on the daughter wrote to me, it’s not OK for her to be a jerk to the new wife, regardless of how much grief she’s experiencing. She’s an adult, not a 6-year-old, after all! But I agree that if the letter writer truly wants to repair his relationship with her, making her feel understood will be an important first step. Classic Prudie My sister makes most of her money renting out her beach house during summer, when she usually stays with her boyfriend or our parents. This year, she got offered an indecent amount of money for the month of December and wants to spend two weeks with my family. She offered to pay her way, but the amount is less than three days of what she is renting her house for. Advice Dear Prudence Family