My Mother-in-Law Believes a Disturbing Superstition About My Son. I Need This to Stop.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My mother-in-law “Sharon” lost her younger son “Richard” to a drunk driver 10 years ago when he was 22. She understandably still carries some grief from it to this day, but what she’s been doing lately has me really unnerved. My husband and I have a 2.5-year-old son, “Sammy.” Through a quirk of genetics, Sammy bears a striking resemblance to his late uncle. The problem is that Sharon has become convinced that Sammy is Richard reincarnated. Literally. Sammy has a birthmark on his forehead in the same place Richard sustained the injury that killed him that she thinks is proof of it. Sharon has been asking Sammy things about Richard’s childhood and showing him old family pictures for the last several months for the purpose of trying to get him to “remember” his previous life. I am thoroughly creeped out and want it to stop. When I asked my husband to speak to his mother about it, he said we should allow it if it helps ease her pain. Obviously I don’t want to hurt my MIL, but I’m worried about the effect this will have on Sammy as he becomes old enough to understand and don’t think this is a healthy coping mechanism. Can you suggest a tactful way to get her to end the supernatural crap? —Doppelgänger Dilemma Dear Dilemma, Before you try to convince your mother-in-law by yourself, you should work on convincing your husband that this is unacceptable. If he’s not there to back you up when you have the conversation with Sharon, he’ll probably let her keep doing it when you’re not around. He needs to understand that what might be helpful for his mom is harmful for Sammy. Plus, your husband probably knows his mother better than you and will be able to tell you what she’ll find tactful and convincing. See if you can get your husband to admit to a few basic things. First, Sammy is his own person and not the reincarnation of his uncle. Second, being told from an early age that he is actually someone else (who died at 22 years old) will have adverse effects on his childhood development. If your husband can’t admit these basic facts, you’ve got a much bigger problem. Run some scenarios for him. Does he really think that if Sammy grows up thinking that he is actually someone else it won’t warp his sense of self and free will? It will! Once your husband is convinced that this needs to stop, work together to figure out the best approach for Sharon. This might mean getting her to admit that Sammy might have traits similar to Richard, but that he is his own person. If mom won’t believe that, is she not dooming Sammy to the same fate as her son? Convincing her might also mean getting her into grief counseling. She’s clearly not over Richard’s death and that’s entirely understandable. But she needs to learn how to cope with her grief rather than projecting it onto a 2-year-old. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband “Jake’s” mother, “Mona,” is a big-time conspiracy nut, but lately she now requires anyone visiting her home to wear these baseball caps outfitted with various rock crystals. She is convinced that there is a satellite controlled by “the powers that be” that can read her thoughts and those of anyone in her home. The crystals are supposed to prevent it. I was sick of the paranoia long ago, but this is a bridge too far for me. Jake and I have two kids who are 6 and 8, and my oldest asked me last night if people were out to get him. I told him Grandma is nuts and we won’t be seeing her anymore. My husband says that’s cruel. I honestly think Mona needs to be in a padded cell. Please say it’s time for Jake to see his mother on his own unless she’s willing to get the help she needs. —Crystal Craziness Dear Crystal, Your children should not be walking around thinking that something is out to get them. Jake needs to admit that his mother’s paranoia is affecting his kids’ mental health. He may be right that it’s cruel to prohibit her from seeing them, but he has to come to terms that it’s dangerous for them to be around her if she’s going to make them anxious and paranoid. That said, I rarely recommend cutting ties with family, especially close family. Sure there might be circumstances that make it reasonable (safety, legal reasons, etc.), but generally it will stoke strife and grudges and your kids will look back in 20 years and blame you for the fact that they never got to know their grandmother. Does Mona require the hats outside of the house? If she can agree to keep her conspiracies and paranoia to herself, you could meet in the middle and still let them see her outside. I would love to tell you to double down. It would be delightful to insist that Mona wear a clown nose when she visits your house because you believe a new kind of mind-controlling parasitic fungus. You could also insist that you and the rest of the family (except Jake) are immune due to being exposed to it in its early stages and therefore only she and her son must wear the clown nose. Your kids are going to encounter weirdos their whole life. Grandma might be one of them, but that doesn’t mean you need to cut ties completely. Your job as a parent is to help your child navigate the world. In this case, they have a chance to learn how to deal with someone who has paranoid delusions about satellites reading her mind. You were right to tell your children that grandma is wrong. You don’t agree with grandma and that there is no one out to get them. You can tell them that grandma is paranoid and believes things that simply aren’t true. They are old enough to learn that there are people in this world who believe misinformation and are hard to convince of facts. People believe in Big Foot and aliens and flat earths. There’s probably someone on the bus with you that believes at least one of these things. —Greg More Parenting Advice From Slate Our daughter is lovely, funny, charming, chatty, social—and really frustrating. This year, her teacher suggested we have her evaluated for neurodivergencies. I have been asking versions of “Should we have her evaluated?” at every school conference and pediatrician visit since she was about 4, and every time we’ve gotten a version of “let’s wait and see,” so I was immediately ready to spring forward and get right on a waitlist. My husband is now adamant that we don’t. 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