My Husband Found Out How His Daughter Has Been Earning Her Spending Money. His Reaction Isn’t Right.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by kimberrywood/Getty Images Plus. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My husband “James” and I have been married for a little over a 10 years. He has two kids, “Maddie,” 20,” and “Jack,” 26 from his previous marriage. James found out last month how Maddie is making extra money—and absolutely lost his shit. Maddie has been making videos for OnlyFans. And James has now said she can forget about him paying her college tuition next semester unless she gives it up. While I’m not crazy about what Maddie is doing, I think that as an adult she is free to create that sort of content if she wishes and don’t think James is right to hold her education hostage. We keep our finances separate, and I have the ability to pay my stepdaughter’s college tuition if necessary. Should I try to reason with my husband, or just pay for Maddie’s tuition without telling him? —Not a Child and None of Your Business Dear Not a Child and None of Your Business, Paying Maddie’s tuition secretly is the wrong move, even with the best intentions. This is about James, his daughter and the parenting decisions he makes. Not to put a fine point on it, but there’s no you anywhere in that. Undermining him behind his back, however justified it might feel at the moment, would be a serious breach of trust in your marriage. If he ever found out, and these things have a way of surfacing, you’d have a much bigger problem on your hands and could be facing the end of your marriage. But paying the tuition openly isn’t the right move either. Maddie is not your child, and stepping in to fund what James has explicitly refused to fund puts you in the middle of a parenting decision that isn’t yours to make — and could quietly erode your marriage regardless of how transparent you are about it. Instead, talk to James directly. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, and you’re allowed to disagree with his ultimatum and be able to discuss it calmly. In your view, Maddie is 20, legally an adult, and what she does with her own body and her own content is her business, not a condition to be attached to her education. You can point out that tying tuition to her compliance isn’t parenting, it’s leverage. You can also point out that it’s likely to damage his relationship with her far more than her OnlyFans account ever will. Where you can help without overstepping is pointing Maddie toward her own options: federal financial aid, private student loans, payment plans through her school, or a part-time job to bridge the gap. If she’s taking a big girl step into the world, she’s probably ready to start figuring out how to pay her own way. Helping her navigate the practical logistics of financing herself is generous without inserting yourself into her father’s shoes. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, I came home from lunch with my mother one day to find my husband, “Kevin,” had moved his younger brother, “Josh,” into our guest room. Kevin said it was because Josh’s wife had thrown him out after she caught him in bed with her sister. Josh was supposed to stay for a couple of weeks until he could make other living arrangements. That was seven months ago. Josh doesn’t contribute to our household bills, buys groceries (on us!) that are more expensive than what we buy for ourselves, and has made zero attempt at finding a new place. His excuse is that he needs to save because of his divorce. But the final straw was when I asked him to keep an eye on our 4-year-old for the afternoon because I had to go meet with a client in person (I work from home). I arrived home sooner than expected to find my son unsupervised and Josh in bed with a woman. I want to give Josh two weeks to find other accommodations or go live with his mother. Kevin says we need to let him stay as long as he needs to because affordable housing in our area is scarce and kicking him out would create a hardship for Josh because he would have to move to another city and face a lengthy commute. And Josh living with their mother is out because “she’ll nag him senseless.” Do I have permission to tell my freeloading brother-in-law too bad, so sad, time to move in with Mommy? —Done With Josh Dear Done With Josh, Permission granted. Except, you don’t need my permission. You need your husband on the same page as you, and right now he isn’t. Why is that? Josh left your 4-year-old unsupervised so he could have sex with a woman. That’s not just a houseguest who’s overstayed his welcome. That’s a serious lapse involving your child’s safety, and it should end the debate about whether he stays. On top of that, Josh has paid nothing toward your household and seems to be doing nothing to find his own place. Kevin’s points about affordable housing and a long commute are real, but they’re Josh’s problems, not Kevin’s and not yours. Seven months with no rent, no contribution to groceries, no job search, and now this episode of sex and the unwatched nephew is a bad news pattern that Kevin is enabling. Have you talked with your husband directly about what exactly you walked in on, not in vague terms? He deserves to hear the full picture as well as the fact that you’re done with the whole arrangement. Say you’re willing to give his brother two to four weeks to get out. And be clear: where he goes next, his mother’s, a friend’s, a short-term rental, is Josh’s problem to solve. If Kevin still won’t budge once he’s heard the full picture, that’s a separate and more serious conversation, because you also live in the house and supposedly have an equal stake in decision-making. Ask him: Is he choosing his brother’s comfort over your family’s safety? Does he believe his brother should have a free ride forever? Where will he draw the line? What is “too much” bad behavior? Those questions deserve a direct answer, and if you can’t get one together, a therapist can help you get there. I don’t think you’re unreasonable. You’re setting a boundary that is, frankly, seven months overdue. —Ilyce Classic Prudie My husband and I were recently on a trip to a resort in Mexico. We ran into some friends of ours who were traveling with their college-age teen daughter. My husband was very friendly with the daughter as he enjoys talking with young people. When we returned from vacation, I looked through my husband’s photos on his phone. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Personal Finance Relationships