My Daughter and Stepson Have Gotten Really Close. At First, It Was Heartwarming. Now It’s Taken a Turn.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Julialine/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I’m married to a wonderful man, “Corbin.” Corbin and I each have a child from a previous relationship. I bring “Adela,” age 14, to our blended family, while he has a 6-year-old son, “Ron.” Given the fairly large age gap between the two children, I had kind of expected the most likely interaction between them would be “not much,” and kept an eye out for signs of hostility or impatience. That hasn’t happened. Adela is very fond of Ron, and that’s reciprocated. In the abstract, that isn’t a problem, but they spend a lot of time together, often in physical contact. Ron sits on Adela’s lap a lot, and it’s a fairly common occurrence for her to be doing homework or just watching TV, and Ron will kind of be leaning into her and napping with his head pressed into her side. She’ll play with LEGOS with him, when she never expressed an interest before. I’ve asked her about it, and Adela’s told me that “he needs a mother figure in his life,” which, apart from the implicit sexism in that claim, would be my job if he’s willing to accept me as one. I’m not sure this level of attachment is healthy, and I’m not sure what to do about it. —Need Perspective Here Dear Need Perspective Here, It seems as if Adela and Ron’s relationship is developing naturally. And with a larger age gap, an older sibling will sometimes take on more of a parental role. But, as the actual parent, this is where you come in. Remind your daughter that you are the mother figure in the house and that she doesn’t need to take on that responsibility or feel that pressure. However, explain that you love their blossoming relationship and that she should just focus on the activities she enjoys doing with Ron. If she still worries about him, which is still a typical big-sister dynamic and completely normal, let her know that she can come to you and share those concerns so that you and your husband can help resolve the issue. For example, if she thinks Ron is struggling with his own homework, that doesn’t mean she has to neglect hers. You and your husband can help him. Tell her that you’re a family and that families approach problems together. But support and encourage what seems to be a growing and healthy relationship. My mom remarried when I was a preteen, and she and my stepdad had my brother when I was almost 14. That’s a huge age gap, but he’s absolutely always been my best friend. When he was tiny, our friendship resembled the same kind of relationship your kids have. And that’s A-OK. It’ll continue to grow and change as they do. But it’s a good sign that they already feel so connected. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and I are expecting our first child in November, and we decided we wanted to wait until our baby is born to find out whether we are having a boy or a girl. However, friends and family (in particular, my mother-in-law) are pressuring us for a gender reveal, and it’s getting tiresome. Can you suggest a good way to get them to lay off? —Patience Is a Virtue Dear Patience Is a Virtue, Be clear with your family and friends. Honesty is the best policy, and you don’t want or need their pressure as you continue to prepare for your baby’s arrival. There’s already so much to think about and plan for. Tell them that, no, you are not having a gender reveal. And then, redirect their energy into something that will actually help you. “We’re not going to do that. But thanks so much for thinking of us! You know what we’re really struggling with? Diapers. We want to be able to stock up for a few months. Maybe you could help us organize a fun way to collect diapers from families and friends.” It’s great when friends and family want to help us. I’m sure your mother-in-law wants to help do something special for you! So, point her in the direction of something else, something you actually want. Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources? Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, I am the mom to three boys, ages 5, 3, and 4 months. We live in Philadelphia, in a neighborhood that is within walking distance of downtown. We really love our neighborhood and city living, but already a row home with a small deck and a shared alley is feeling challenging spatially for our high-energy kids (and the baby isn’t even crawling!). Our plan had always been to make it work… maybe to someday get a house within our neighborhood that was bigger … but to be a big city family. And I am also someone who loves the idea of communal parenting. I’m always seeking opportunities to share meals with other friends with kids to get that sort of “village” parenting/raising kids experience that I think we are meant to exist with. While we do get some of that in our neighborhood with friends, we have a new opportunity for more. A beautiful house next door to my husband’s brother (with whom he is very close) is for sale in a suburban town near Philly. They have four kids, and I love my sister-in-law. It’s walkable as a town, the house has a giant yard, and it’s a quick train ride into downtown. Any advice on how to weigh the true possibility of a “village” parenting existence (kids running to each other’s yards, shared meals, going to the playground on their own, etc.) and doing so in a place you didn’t think you would (i.e., suburb versus city)? What are some downsides/upsides I may not be thinking about? —Weighing My Options Dear Weighing My Options, Choosing where to live is such a personal decision! But as someone who’s lived in four different states with my son, what I have personally learned over the past couple of decades is that people make the place. Parenting was the easiest and most joyful when I lived two blocks from my brother, a half a mile away from my cousin, and about a 10-minute drive from my parents and the rest of my family. We were all so close that we could meet up and go on walks together. The kids could ride their bikes and, without any need for a heads-up or pre-planning, could hang out. It also meant I had babysitters whenever I needed them. Having a village is essential. The weight of parenting doesn’t feel so heavy when we’re all lifting it a little collectively. And, your brother- and sister-in-law would likely be able to help with any unexpected downsides you might not know about until you move there. For example, in my experience, it’s really difficult to understand and navigate school systems until you, yourself, have enrolled your kids. But your family can give you the inside scoop you wouldn’t have if you were otherwise starting from scratch. You know that smaller, suburban towns have fewer amenities, such as museums, but that’s fixed with a train ride downtown. Suburbs do sometimes have fewer city-run (and affordable) afterschool programs and summer camps—two things my friends in the suburbs often find stressful. But that’s when your village comes in. You could find solutions to these potential problems together if they popped up. So, of course, make your own personal pros and cons list. But remember that all problems are easier to solve with more people working together on them. —Arionne More Advice From Slate This is going to sound petty and on the childish side, but here goes. I cannot stand the way my parents are with me and my sister. By every measure, I am more successful than my sister “Jane.” I earn a six-figure salary, as does my husband, we own our home, and we are planning to have a baby in the coming year or so. Jane works for a charity which, while laudable, pays next to nothing and affords her hardly any free time. Her layabout wife “works from home” selling “art” online (little cartoon drawings) and earns even less. They rent a tiny apartment and, frankly, don’t seem to be going anywhere in life. Yet when our parents talk about me and Jane, it is crystal clear who is their favorite… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids Parenting