Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Ibrahim Babangida: In Awe, Teary-Eyed and Ashamed Shebi you people know General Babangida. The fine, gap-toothed and soft-spoken military ruler who took over power from General Buhari in 1985. He is fondly called “Maradona” because of the way he used to dribble Nigerians. He was so popular and was my personal hero. I even dedicated my long essay at the Political Science Department of the University of Ibadan to him. Then he now went to annul June 12 and became like cold eba in my eyes. The same one ooo. The one whose wife was Maryam. The one that wrote a book and Osinbajo went to talk and they raised billions for him. That one o, the one that now lives on the hilltop in Minna. My people, that is how one Kabiyesi took my new coffee table book, Maddtimes Power List, the one that curates the most powerful and influential Nigerians and with essays from such influential personalities like Prof. Konyinsola Ajayi and the rest, to IBB in Minna o. Kabiyesi said the moment IBB saw my book, he said, “Duke of Shomolu? I know him and read him.” The moment Kabiyesi mentioned that to me, I literally died and started shaking. IBB know me? Me, from Anyam Nsit in Nsit Ibom in little Akwa Ibom? Me? Kai! So, the shame in the whole thing is all the abuse that I have been abusing him all the years and now see me, jumping up and down like a teenage girl after seeing Michael Jackson. Anyway, he has sent a message that he is open to meeting with me, and I am too eager sef. Mbok, what will I wear? Should I shave my dreads? Should I wear shorts? Should I go with afang; will it purge him? Oh, I am so confused. Will bandits catch me on the way there? Because I hear that axis is not laughing oo. Should I even take the risk? Kai! Whatever, you guys, be on standby, because I will gist you all. Thank you. Meanwhile, do you want to see the book causing all this confusion? Call me. Babajide Sanwo-Olu: House Rent is Killing Your People I don’t even know if I should be addressing this piece to my egbon “Jide.” Kai! This one they will report me to Tony Elumelu, the champion of appropriate addressing. So Mr. Sanwo-Olu seems to be in a ‘drifting away’ mode. As tenure is finishing, Oga seems to have moved on, and all you need to see to engage is a drive around Lagos, and you will see how the whole city just looks. But not a problem; he did excellently well as governor, and history will be kind to him. So, this matter of house rent in Lagos na wa. Landlords are just hiking rent, and the people are crying. Landlords say the cost of materials, the cost of maintenance and even the cost of living are what are driving the whole thing, and rents are not even smiling in Lagos. Even me, I’m feeling it. The other day, they just increased my own from N2.2m to N5m, just like that. This kind of increase even beat the Malthusian leap. I called the “mumu” agent, and he was acting like he had bought a bag of cement in his life. So I called the landlord, who graciously came down to N4m. I deliberately delayed and paid one month later. My people, if you take into consideration that only 31% of Lagosians own their homes, you will see the epidemic of rents that we are seeing. Fashola, during his time had tried to hold down this thing and even legislated that payments should be monthly, but now the cage has been opened and, like raving hyenas, landlords have gone mad. No wonder the rate of homelessness is on the rise, and under our bridges are now being turned into comfortable housing estates for the people. As I have said, I don’t know who to send this one to; whoever is in charge, please do something oooooo. Na beg. Nyesom Wike: Not Only Atiku and Obi I have seen reports quoting Minister Wike that, once Atiku or Obi win the elections, the first thing they will do is to come at him. Well, I thought this Oga was more cerebral than this o. Even President Bola Tinubu will come at him even more massively. In fact, what Atiku or Obi will do to him will not be compared with what “Bola” will do to him. It appears that Wike is not a very good student of history because if he were, he would know that people like him are just for the moment. They are fixers who are used for particular purposes, and when the purpose is over, they are discarded like a wet towel. So, except President Tinubu would want a third term or want to turn us into a monarchy, which is looking likely with the way Seyi is thumbing along, then there will no longer be need for the highlife dancing, croaky voiced enforcer that can only deliver just one state and a federal capital out of all the states. For me, I think it is a lose-lose for Wike after the election. If he or his people feel otherwise, I really pity them. See Nazir El-Rufai as a recent example. He did much more than rabble-rousing for this regime and even went to the Supreme Court, a move that most likely gave the elections to President Tinubu. Today, he is eating beans. I think the minister should retrace his steps and really work on his relationship with President Tinubu because that is where his post 2027 life is. I even think Wike thinks too much of himself. So Atiku or Obi will win the election and leave the wahala of Nigeria and be chasing Wike? I doubt o. If they do that, then they would have confirmed my notion about them of being lightweights. A very serious president would jump headlong into Nigeria’s problems and not bother themselves with Wike who by then should be the problem of the next minister of the FCT. Come and beat me. Thank you. Sharafadeen Alli: What Happened to the Floor This one tire me o. Kai! Did you see the clip of this Senator carrying a full-grown gentleman on his lap and stroking that one’s lap as he spoke to a group? The clip has gone viral as expected, and “shame” is pouring everywhere. How for the life of me will someone do this kind of thing in the public glare, no matter the circumstances? In his defence, his supporters have said that there was a crowd and no more chairs to sit on and so the very kind senator had to lap the young man. So, I ask what happened to the young man sitting on the floor. Shebi, you say he was not a journalist but was a student who only just came to interview his mentor with his group. Even the boy sef has a problem. So, a full-grown, bearded, big-bellied senator will ask me to sit on his lap, and I will not slap that APC out of his mouth? Na two of them really know what is between them. They should just spare our sensibilities with all this ugliness; we have too many problems in this country than that one. Doja Al len: A Radio Mouth on the Run Let me quickly send a congratulatory message to my sister, the very elegant Lady Doja Allen. Mrs. Allen is the Managing Director of Cardinal Group, owners of City FM in Lagos, and just recently, they added another radio station, Area FM. Lady Doja reached out in excitement, “Edgar, we have opened a new Radio station oo,” and I shouted, “Aghhh! What gives you the confidence in a market that has 75 in this Lagos o?” “CITY is number 8 and that tells us that if we push really harder, Area FM will join it in no time at the top 10,” she responded. Well, what else can I say than to say, well done, Aunty. Well done. Remember, she does not have a media background in all of these achievements. With an investment management background after graduating from our great University of Ibadan where I graduated from too, she was head hunted by PWC to go turn around the then ailing City FM Radio station. She did a very powerful job, and today, she is adding a new station to the matter, and what else can we say but a huge well done, my sister. Well done, you are the Queen of Radio. Kai. Babajide Martins: What is the Matter? This one is the Director of Public Prosecution and was gleefully quoting the law the other day at an event. That any man who forces his legal wife to have sex could be facing life in prison, and this is true law in Lagos State. With 70% female judges in this judiciary, men are really having a raw deal in Lagos. Life sentences are just being dashed to people in this rape and sexual misconduct matter. Nobody is defending the heinous crime that is rape or sexual aggravated offences, but one must be very wary at how these judgments are reached, especially in the case that once a woman screams, the man is immediately thrown into a deep hole where even if he comes out, he would have lost reputation, public standing, etc. One who was recently accused was immediately arrested and detained. After it all, it was a false alarm, but he had lost his job as a Director and now is doing DJ to survive. So now this one is saying, and according to the law, that if I force my wife to have sex, I go to life in prison. Fair, so what law do we have in place to protect the man who goes through mental abuse and psychological torture from denial that, most times, is deliberate and used as a weapon of blackmail and negotiation? This stupid law presupposes that the woman’s denial is coming from genuine actions – like illness, mental state, etc. It does not take into consideration that in most cases, and I dare say that 80% of the time, these denials are wicked, selfish and mischievous. They are used to negotiate, prove a point, secure power and other such lascivious things. This is not to say force is the best weapon to fight it, but that the government should also enact laws that protect us from these wanton attacks. Most marriages in Lagos today are going through years of sexual denial and starvation, and men are going through a lot. So Mr. Martins, what are you doing? Instead of gloating and shouting that thing you just shouted, also think about the other side. If one looks carefully sef, I’m sure you too are being affected. Lol. Ike Nwachukwu: Happy 86th, My Lord True officer and a gentleman, General Ike Nwachukwu celebrated his 86th the other day. I just decided to go and gift him my new book. That was how I stumbled upon a small party. I even saw Prof. Walter Ofonagoro, the former NTA man and Minister of Information and Culture. General Ike Nwachukwu is one of Nigeria’s favourite elder statesmen. A man who has achieved so much and yet remains very simple and approachable. He has lived a very quiet life since retirement, only coming out once in a while for functions while also avoiding public commentary on Nigeria. He will say “Duke, abeg leave me o, I no fit talk o,” and I will laugh. Met him in a very brilliant mood, surrounded by family, especially his very brilliant grandchildren who were all over him. Happy birthday to the people’s General. Jimi Odukoya: An Irrelevant Storm This bobo ran into a small turbulence the other day. But first, let us introduce him. He is the pastor of my former church, Fountain of Life in Ilupeju – I am still a member by proxy. Duchess still goes to the church. He took over the church from his late parents, the very likeable late Pastors Bimbo and Taiwo Odukoya, thrusting himself into the public glare. So, when he posted his picture at the gym, the whole social media went into a frenzy. The man has dreadlocks – worse than my own o; spots earrings – bigger than my own; and has tattoos – far plentier than my own; and his muscles and big chest shooting out. That is how people started questioning his “pastorhood.” How can a pastor be dressing like Area Fada and be putting it in our face? As expected, his followers came in his strong defence, asking like Tinubu asked when a bullion van was coming out of his house – is it your pastor? “It is our pastor,” they chorused, chasing the Pharisees and Sadducees away. Well, what makes a pastor in Nigeria, as we now have a variety of colourations of pastors? From the conservative MFM type to the wild extreme of Pastor Jimi, with the Odumejes in between. Whatever the case may be, these classes of Nigerians are having a roll, I swear. From luxurious living, being worshipped more than God himself, the best of women, the best of wine, etc. It is a very brilliant career path. Even I, I am thinking about it sha. Make we dey see. Aghhhh, I forgot to state my position on the matter. Well, all you need do is Google me and see my picture, and you will see where I stand on the matter. As Shomolu bus conductors say, go on sounnnnnnnnnn aburo, na your time. Your papa set you up well. Bimbo Ashiru: Not a Pillar of Salt Mbok, let me quickly just say thank you to Otunba Bimbo Ashiru, who until recently was the Chairman of the giant Odu’a Investments Limited. You see, everyone needs an Otunba in their lives. The man is not a pillar of salt o. A pillar of salt will melt at the slightest sign of rain. That is how a lot of people are in our lives. This Otunba has been more than a pillar of salt in my own life. In fact, he is plasticine “wey just stand there kampe”. Please, help me thank him and pray that God should give him a long life and good health. Otunba, this is my own way of saying thank you and also thanks for that rice and beans the other day. The dodo was crazy. Can I come again? Kai!