JD Vance’s diet doctor has ‘orgasmic’ three-second poos — but you really don’t need to

It’s less about what’s ‘normal’ and more about what’s normal for you (Picture: Getty/Metro) All sorts of questionable medical claims have been circulated by the White House in recent years, from ‘taking Tylenol while pregnant causes autism’ to ‘99% of Covid-19 cases are totally harmless’. While he’s not part of the Trump administration, Dr Sean O’Mara counts a number of the President’s cabinet — including Robert F Kennedy Jr and JD Vance — among his clients. And like the politicians he advises on ‘biological optimisation’, the physician is no stranger to wild assertions. Dr O’Mara regularly boasts about the after-effects of his signature Living Diet plan, in which you eat only grass-fed ruminants (beef, venison, bison or elk meat), wild-caught seafood, and as much fermented food as possible. In a recent interview, the Growing Better Not Older author told the New York Times: ‘I could have a bowel movement behind a sheet at a dinner party in the corner of the room and nobody would know.’ He’s also posted guides on how to ‘poop like a champion’, saying the ideal poo takes three to seven seconds, requires ‘no wiping’, feels ‘near orgasmic’, and produces no noise or smell. Graphic imagery aside, there are a few iffy things about Dr O’Mara’s faecal philosophy. For one, his idea of a ‘perfect’ poo isn’t exactly a science-backed benchmark. Then there’s the fact he claims it’s all down to cutting out entire food groups widely considered part of a healthy, balanced diet — including fibre, which the NHS says is vital for digestion, recommending an intake of at least 30g a day for adults. Ask Metro Use AI to go deeper into the stories you care about – powered by Metro and trusted publications. Given this advice is being followed by some of the most powerful people in the world, it has the potential to reach and influence millions more. And that’s where the toilet talk needs a little context. How long should it take you to poo? While digestive experts typically put the upper limit around five minutes, and NHS literature states ‘opening the bowels should take no more than two or three minutes’, there are no real hard and fast rules in this respect. Dr Alan Desmond, consultant gastroenterologist and author of What Your Doctor Isn’t Telling You About Food, tells Metro: ‘I’m always happy to hear that my patients are having comfortable, satisfying bowel movements — but I’m not sure we need to aim for a three-second, near-orgasmic experience! ‘What matters more is that you are going regularly for you, that the stool is soft and formed, that you can pass it comfortably without excessive straining, and that you feel properly finished afterwards.’ The main thing is that you aren’t straining (Picture: Getty Images) According to Dr Trisha Pasricha, director of the Institute for Gut-Brain Research, there are three Ps that make this happen: propulsion, pliability and pelvic floor. On the latter, specialist pelvic health physiotherapist, Rosie Cardale, told Metro: ‘The position you sit in can make a difference to how easy it is to pass a poo, with squatting being the most optimal choice.’ Should we all be aiming for silent, no-wipe poos? ‘There is no medically recognised requirement for a bowel movement to be completely silent, or to require absolutely no wiping,’ says Dr Desmond. ‘A well-formed stool may certainly leave very little behind, but needing to use toilet paper does not mean your gut is unhealthy.’ You still need to wipe (Picture: Getty Images) In other words, while a clean wipe might be a nice bonus, it isn’t a health metric you need to obsess over. And even if you are left with minimal residue, unless you’re using a bidet instead, it’s not an excuse to skip the loo roll entirely. Feeling clean isn’t necessarily the same as being clean, and since there can still be microscopic traces of faecal matter and bacteria on the skin, a gentle wipe is still sensible hygiene. Instead of this, Dr Desmond says the Bristol Stool Scale, a tool used to classify stools by their shape and consistency, is a better metric to go by. ‘Types 3 and 4 — essentially a smooth, soft, sausage-shaped stool — are generally considered ideal,’ he adds. Aim for type 3 or 4 (Picture: Getty Images) Is it bad if your poo smells? If you’re hoping for Dr O’Mara’s completely scent-free poo, we have some bad news: human faeces are supposed to smell. ‘Smell is normal,’ says Dr Desmond. ‘Stool contains bacteria and the products of digestion and fermentation, so it is never going to be completely odourless.’ What you eat can also make a difference, particularly foods containing sulphur compounds, while some people simply produce more intestinal gas than others. How long does it normally take you to poo? Seven seconds or lessCheck Two to three minutesCheck Three to five minutesCheck More than five minutesCheck Sign up to Metro's The Slice newsletter for your guide to what's on in London, with trusted reviews, offers and giveaways. An unusually foul smell can sometimes be a sign that something is amiss too – particularly if it comes alongside other changes such as persistent diarrhoea, bloating, weight loss or blood in your poo. For example, coeliac disease can cause particularly pungent, greasy stools because of problems absorbing fat, but it would usually come with other symptoms too. An ordinary poo smell, however, is nothing to worry about — no matter who reckons theirs doesn’t stink. The science of ‘poo-phoria’ It’s certainly not a marker of gastrointestinal health, but Dr O’Mara isn’t the only one who gets a rush from a good number two. ‘Poo-phoria’ is the sudden wave of deep relaxation, relief, or mild euphoria that can happen after passing a large or satisfying stool, which some do say feels orgasmic. Dr Desmond explains that this is all to do with the ‘complex interaction between the bowel, pelvic floor and nervous system’ involved with emptying the bowels. As it exits your body, a particularly substantial poo may stimulate the vagus nerve, which runs from the brainstem down to the colon, potentially lowering your heart rate and blood pressure to trigger an intense wave of physical relief. By all means feel free to enjoy that – just don’t start judging the state of your gut by how euphoric your toilet trips feel. ‘And if you’re eating plenty of fibre and producing a little more stool as a result, that is generally something to celebrate rather than worry about,’ Dr Desmond adds. Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@metro.co.uk Deals of the Day The best hosepipe ban-friendly products to protect your garden this summer Amazon has slashed the price of Cetaphil's bestselling sensitive skin products Parents can save up to 30% on Kickers school shoes ahead of the new term The back-to-school hack that's helping parents avoid queues and sold-out sizes Could your hair be wavy rather than straight? This brand thinks so Arrow MORE: My drink order isn’t preference – it’s a matter of life and death Arrow MORE: Is it safe to eat eggs? 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