“It’s Okay to Date Someone Trans, You P***y!”

8 min readON MY LIST of things to do, being married was lower than being beheaded. However, I’m getting older and will eventually need someone to change my diapers, so here we are. I am currently four years into my marriage, which is a sentence I never thought I’d write. My wife is a transgender woman from Norway. I have spoken about her in my act and on podcasts, just like I have about every other relationship I’ve ruined in the last 30 years.When it comes to our life together, I have carefully avoided preaching or tisk-tisk scolding people into seeing it my way. I immediately despise any person who tells a performer what they should ‘use their platform’ for. The phrase ‘use their platform’ is a condescending term regurgitated by smug dickheads who believe their outlook on life is the only moral way forward. My job is not to ‘raise awareness’ or indoctrinate an audience. (Even if it were my job, I’d be too self-centered and lazy to put much effort into it.)That being said, what do I want men to know about dating transgender women? I’ve only thought about this question as it relates to how I will talk about it onstage. What information do I want to convey, and more importantly, how will I make it funny enough to justify it being in a comedy show? This article has a slightly different intent, as I will be mostly gearing this toward men who like trans women but are not sure how to proceed.Don’t say you’re looking for love if you’re not. Be transparent (see what I did there?) about the level of relationship you are seeking. Don’t pretend you’re looking for sunsets and a white picket fence if all you really want is to have your tonsils blasted out the back of your throat. There are plenty of women who enjoy doing that, just be up front if that’s what you are hoping for. It’s not fair to convince someone to buy emerald slippers and a ballgown if your idea of a date is showing up to her house at midnight and sneaking in the side door with a six pack under each arm. Your hesitance to be out in public together will become obvious very quickly.Her being transgender doesn’t have to be the main topic of conversation. She has gotten the memo that she is transgender, she’s used to it, it is not the only thing she thinks about. You don’t need to immediately try and show what a compassionate supporter you are. No one gives a shit. Prove you’re a supporter by going out to a restaurant and having a meal like any other two people would do. Sitting there and trauma nodding like a doe-eyed idiot isn’t impressive or heartwarming, it’s fake and uncomfortable.Trans people have as many different interests and passions as any other group of people. They are as varied in their social and political opinions as any group of people. Some are open-minded, some are stubborn, some spend six days a week in the gym, some eat sour candy and do meth, some are sex addicts and some are prudish. Like any other group of people.Don’t wear your transgender partner like a badge of honor. I talk about my wife; I talk about our life together. I talk about many experiences I’ve had in my life, sexual and otherwise, with many different people. People ask me about it on podcasts, I am happy to discuss it. I have talked about my personal life for my entire career. Just be careful not to fall into the trap of feeling like you’re a ‘special kind of guy’ because you’re terrific enough to publicly date someone transgender.You can talk about it with people without talking about it at people. You don’t need to cross your arms and purse your lips like you’re the centerfold in Ally Magazine. Discussing your personal life doesn’t have to be done with the tone of someone who thinks he’s the bee’s knees for standing up to conventional societal norms. You’re not a social justice superhero wearing a cape with a giant embroidered T who’s on a mission to educate people; you’re just a guy going out with someone you like. Dating who you want to date doesn’t make you special. It makes people who are afraid to do it cowards.You’re dating a person, not an ideology. So many people deny this part of themselves because they are afraid of upending a lifelong belief system. Stop being so fucking dramatic. Maybe dating someone trans means you will have to tweak or update certain beliefs, but you are not giving up the core of who you are. Then again, if you don’t date the people you truly want to date, then you’re kind of a duplicitous, phony asshole anyway, so even if you are giving up the core of who you are, it’s a shitty, performative core. Not really a big loss as far as cores go.Don’t avoid dating people you like because you are concerned about what losers will say about you. People are more affected by social pressures than we like to admit. We all claim not to care what other people think, yet we all take showers and wear deodorant at least once a month. Strong self-esteem or even unwarranted arrogance doesn’t automatically immunize us from allowing negative comments to fuck up our positive outlook on ourselves.That being acknowledged, permitting online comments to dictate how you live your life is a spineless way to exist. People who spend their day firing off shitty opinions about other people’s lives are by-and-large worthless human beings. When you know and understand this in a tangible way, it’s easier to not just say you don’t care, but to really not care. There are a variety of reasons people waste their time fixating on other people’s private lives. Some of them are moonwalking-across-the-spectrum incels, some are stuck in dead-end relationships with cankle-having spouses, some are socially impotent duds who summon up fake anger and pretend they’re not afraid to ‘tell it like it is’.Being hesitant to fall in love with someone transgender because one of the aforementioned zeroes may type rude comments is ludicrous. You are robbing yourself of a life you will be happy in to placate people who are languishing in lives they are not happy in. Fuck them and their unhappiness. Their misery is deserved and you should internally celebrate it every time your best gal forgets to lower the toilet seat after she tinkles.You can also take comfort in the fact that a good percentage of the irrationally anti-trans commenters are guys who are also endlessly gooning to trans porn. Every orgasm they have is ruined because they need to grit their teeth and reiterate how they’re not gay as they duck walk to get a towel with shame running down their leg. They pretend to be grossed out by the thought of another penis, yet every clip they watch on X-Tube coincidentally features a cock the size of a bottle gourd.Most of the people who will judge you are boring frauds whose ideological or spiritual views are far crazier than anything they accuse trans people of believing. If you keep in mind what morally inconsistent, disingenuous shitheads most of them are, it becomes almost automatic to dismiss their pedestrian commentary.You will be pleasantly surprised and monumentally disappointed by the people you know. Don’t automatically assume you know how people will react to you and your transgender partner. Some people will surprise you by being kinder and more willing to engage than you expected. I received positive messages and support from certain people I know who refuse to fuck with the lights on and consider Putin to be a liberal cuck. This support meant a lot and reinforced my belief that you can reach some people just by living your life authentically. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case with everyone. There are some people you will expect to be supportive who will inexplicably back away from you like you’re holding a radioactive dildo. They will offer a fake smile as they ideologically larp out the door and as far away from you as humanly possible. Don’t let this get you down, they are empty vessels who prefer snapping to applauding and you are well rid of them. No matter how authentically you live your life, there are those who won’t hear you until you are standing directly in front of them screaming “Just die already” into a bullhorn.You don’t have to be apologetic when you tell people you are with someone transgender. I know family and friends are important, but people aren’t doing you a big fat fucking favor when they accept who you are. Remind yourself that you accept them as they are, regardless of what idiotic or spiritually bankrupt assholes they may be. You accept them despite the fact they may be alcoholics, or compulsive gamblers, or morbidly obese with skin tags on their necks. You are entitled to expect the same level of acceptance from them when it comes to who you date or fall in love with.To be clear, everyone isn’t necessarily open-minded, so I’m not suggesting barging into the house and demanding they sign a contract of allegiance. Some people need time because they don’t know any transgender people; this is relatively new to them. For some family members, the only trans people they’ve been exposed to is someone who looks like Dee Snider screaming, “Call me MA’AM!” as they sidekick a display rack over in a GameStop.It’s also important to remember that giving someone time doesn’t mean you have to ‘aww shucks’ your way into the conversation with your hat in your hand, begging for approval. Being patient with people who are adapting is different than sheepishly peeking your head out of the water hoping to see a thumbs-up. Have some self-esteem for Christ’s sake. If people in your life don’t accept you or the person you love, fuck them.People expect you to wrap up an article with a cohesive summation of what they have just read—a fun bow at the end. So I will offer this: Life is short, you frightened idiot. Stop living for the approval of people who are even more frightened than you are. Lose all consideration of other people’s opinions when it comes to who you fall in love with. Unless everyone hates your partner because your partner is an asshole, in which case you should dump them immediately.