I’m Suddenly Experiencing a Sexual Awakening at 65. Uh, I Wasn’t Expecting That.

How to Do It I’m not sure I should embrace it. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Alvarog1970/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I have what feels like a very unusual situation. I’m a 65-year-old woman who has had sex only a handful of times in my life. Now, I find myself feeling more sexually alive than ever before. For the past few years, I’ve been satisfying myself, but recently I’ve realized that, for the first time in decades, I genuinely want a relationship with a man. It doesn’t have to be a lifelong commitment. Casual dating and a healthy sexual relationship would be enough. In fact, I’m not sure I even want a long-term partnership. To understand why this feels so foreign to me, a little background is probably helpful. I grew up in a home where I was physically and verbally abused by my parents. I was painfully shy, deeply insecure, and had virtually no self-esteem. Dating was never a significant part of my life. Boys weren’t interested in me, so I rarely went on dates and certainly never imagined myself as someone others would find desirable. Looking back, I realize how emotionally damaged I was, although I didn’t recognize it at the time. After high school, I joined the Navy to escape my parents’ home. While I was there, I had a few sexual experiences and was genuinely amazed that anyone wanted to be intimate with me. That awakening was brief. One of those encounters resulted in an unexpected pregnancy. I chose to have my son, and it remains one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I devoted myself to raising him, and romantic relationships simply disappeared from my life. Today, my son is an incredible man, and we share a very close relationship. Now, at 65, I find myself thinking about sex far more than I ever have before. It feels as though my body has awakened decades later than everyone else’s, and I’m not quite sure what to do with these feelings. I’ve even wondered whether I should see a therapist, but I don’t know how to find someone who specializes in this kind of issue. In every other area of my life, I feel confident and fulfilled. I’m an attorney with a successful solo practice, and I like the person I’ve become. Yet this unexpected surge in sexual desire has completely caught me off guard. I’ve always been a passionate person, and perhaps this is simply another expression of that passion finally emerging after years of putting everyone else first. So, is what I’m experiencing unusual? Is it worth seeking therapy to better understand these feelings, or should I simply embrace this new chapter and begin exploring dating and intimacy for the first time in many years? And if I do decide to seek help, what kind of therapist should I be looking for? —Late Bloomer Dear Late Bloomer, While the combination of experiences and choices that is your life history is unique to you, and some are remarkable, the broad strokes aren’t unusual. I reached out to two therapists for their thoughts on your letter. Rae Gross, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), commented, “As human beings, we can have spiritual, emotional, and even sexual awakenings at any age. What you are experiencing is not inherently unusual or concerning. There is a myth that as we get older, we stop evolving or learning. But the truth is, we can continue discovering new things about ourselves well past middle age.” Savannah Fine, LMFT and sex therapist, concurred, and said, “Nothing about [the letter] immediately strikes me as concerning or pathological. In many ways, it sounds like she’s entering a new developmental stage—a kind of second puberty. Not in the biological sense, but psychologically and sexually. She’s finally arriving at a point in her life where she has the emotional safety, confidence, and freedom to ask, ‘What do I actually want?’ That opportunity simply didn’t exist for much of her life.” Gross, who works with people recovering from religious trauma, often sees “clients learning about themselves well into their 60s. They sometimes describe the period after leaving their religious community as a second adolescence, when they begin exploring their values, beliefs, bodies, and desires.” Fine continued, “For decades, survival came first. She grew up in an abusive home, then devoted herself to raising her son. It makes perfect sense that sexuality wasn’t something she had the bandwidth to explore. Desire often flourishes when people finally feel safe enough to experience it. Sometimes our sexuality develops on a timeline that has much more to do with our life experiences than our chronological age.” I can add, from my own experiences with coaching clients and simply talking to folks over the years, that there are many reasons a person may arrive at a desire to explore sexuality only once they’re well past puberty, and it’s very common to start with a genuine interest but otherwise being uncertain what types of sex or types of relationships they might want. It’s perfectly reasonable to let people know that your experience in something is currently small and seek out more opportunities to learn what you like and don’t like before coming to firm conclusions. That exploration is what Fine thinks makes this an exciting moment: “She gets to approach sexuality with curiosity rather than pressure. She has the opportunity to discover what feels pleasurable, what excites her, what kinds of relationships she wants, what her boundaries are, and what intimacy means to her—perhaps for the very first time. There can be something incredibly joyful about giving yourself permission to explore without feeling like you’re ‘behind.’ There really isn’t a deadline for discovering yourself sexually.” Gross and Fine agree that therapy isn’t necessary, but may be a useful support. According to Gross, “A therapist could offer a supportive space to explore what you want and how you would like to approach dating and intimacy. I would recommend looking for a certified sex therapist or a therapist who identifies as sex-positive. You might also seek someone who specializes in working with older adults.” Fine also noted: I would frame it as a resource rather than a treatment. Working with a sex therapist—or even a general therapist who is sex-positive and comfortable discussing intimacy—could give her a space to process her history, build confidence in dating, navigate vulnerability, explore desire, and unpack any fears or beliefs that may still linger from earlier in life. Therapy can be a place to better understand herself, not because I’m worried about her, but because self-exploration can be incredibly enriching during a transition like this. At the same time, if she feels emotionally ready, I wouldn’t want therapy to become something she believes she has to complete before she’s “allowed” to date. I would encourage her to begin exploring this new chapter if that feels exciting to her. She can learn a tremendous amount through real-life experiences, curiosity, and paying attention to what feels authentic…One thing I do make a point of discussing with clients who are entering the dating world later in life is sexual health. We often assume sexually transmitted infections are primarily a concern for younger adults, but STIs are actually quite prevalent among adults over 60. Many people in older generations didn’t receive comprehensive sex education, may no longer be thinking about pregnancy prevention, or simply don’t perceive themselves to be at risk. Because of that, I think conversations about condoms, STI testing, consent, communication, and safer sex practices are incredibly important. I see that education as empowering rather than fear-based—it allows people to explore with greater confidence and peace of mind. This kind of education is something that you can glean yourself from books and online resources (the skills that got you through law school and helped you build your practice will be a boon here), or that most sex therapists, many sex coaches, and any sex educator can provide. In closing, Fine had one last suggestion for you: “Rather than asking, ‘Why is this happening now?’ I might invite her to ask, ‘What do I get to learn about myself now that I finally have the freedom to explore?’ That shift moves the experience from something that feels strange or delayed to something that feels hopeful, exciting, and deeply human.” —Jessica More Advice From Slate I have been dating an amazing man for about six months. After a long line of hookups and failed dates I was getting jaded when I swiped right on my man and we hit it off. Safe to say we are in the puppy-love phase. Before him, I would have said big dick was a necessity. Deep and intense penetration was hot and essential to me. The term “size queen” comes to mind. Advice Sex