I’m Cutting My Brother Off Over His Elaborate Halloween Decor

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Isha Bahl/Getty Images Plus. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My brother and his wife have struggled financially since their employer closed down several years ago. (They weren’t doing the best even before then, for various reasons, some they could have controlled, others that were unexpected.) My wife and I had been helping them out financially with utility bills for the past several years, and this has been a point of contention between us. Finally, we compromised and agreed that we would put them on our cellphone plan and that would be the limit of our financial help. (My brother was very upset with the news and asked how we, in good conscience, could afford to buy a newer car and take multiple trips by air to see my wife’s family, while they are barely keeping the lights on and food on the table.) But then things were OK—until we drove by their house last weekend and were VERY surprised to see a huge Halloween display, including including multiple animated inflatables, lights, and yard displays. We stopped by and asked how they could afford what is probably close to $1,000 of Halloween decorations. We were told they had been “saving up” for it. My wife was incensed. After we left, she said to me, “If they can afford to save up for fun stuff like Halloween decorations, then they can save up and pay their own cellphone bills.” I agreed and texted my brother and told him that obviously with the money he spent on decorations he isn’t that bad off financially, and he and his wife would need to get their own cellphone plans by the 1st of the year, because we were done paying for it. He went into a whole spiel about “why isn’t he allowed to have fun,” said I’m “punishing them for being poor,” that my wife and I are “just greedy bastards,” and other comments. Then he got our mom involved (who isn’t that well off financially either) and she took his side and basically said “we don’t treat family that way” without listening to my side of the story. She said we should ”forget about coming over for the holidays if we don’t start thinking straight.” My wife and I are doing OK moneywise, but we could (should) be putting the money we are giving my brother and his wife into building our own emergency fund. Do I just ignore my brother? Send him a list of opportunities to make money, like a second job, or ways to not spend money, like on unnecessary holiday decorations? Or is my mom correct and I need to start “thinking straight”? I am not too worried about Thanksgiving, as we will just have a four-day visit with my wife’s family instead of three, but at Christmas, I would miss seeing my mom, brother, and other members of my extended family. —Done Being Financial Crutch Dear Done, Some serious boundaries are in order here. Your family trips should be none of your brother’s business; his Halloween decor should be none of yours. It’s noble that you and your wife wanted to help them out by paying their cellphone bill, but when that happened, you should have set parameters around the arrangement. It sounds like that ship has sailed, but next time you decide to offer financial help to a family member—although, to be fair, it sounds less like you offered and more like your brother guilted you into it—try to think of it more as a no-strings-attached gift, in which you are not tempted or pressured to confront them about their spending habits. This might seem to go against common sense (if you’re lending someone money, shouldn’t you be privy to how they’re spending it?) but this kind of rule is designed to avoid exactly these kinds of situations. When it’s a gift, you don’t have to spend your time fretting about their financial choices, which takes up a lot of mental space and builds resentment. Plus, when you start thinking you can comment on your sibling’s financial choices, you open the door for them to comment on yours, which is what is happening now. And this is where the boundaries come in. Don’t bother sending your brother any unsolicited tips or advice on how to find a job or save on Halloween decor. First of all, it doesn’t sound like he’s in any kind of headspace to take your advice right now. But second, it’s hard enough to manage your own finances, much less someone else’s. It’s not your responsibility, and if your emergency fund or retirement savings aren’t fully funded, you and your wife should absolutely be prioritizing that. Instead, I would approach this conversation with an acknowledgement, a boundary, and a path forward. Something like, “I should not have commented on your Halloween spending, and you should not be commenting on my family’s spending, either. I will not be discussing my financial situation with you, and I will not comment on your financial situation unless you ask for my input. Name-calling is also unacceptable. We are OK with continuing to help you with the cellphone bill if you can agree to respect these boundaries.” Or, if you decide you no longer want to foot the bill for them (which, after being called a ‘greedy bastards,’ I totally wouldn’t blame you), replace that last line with something like, “Unfortunately, we need to prioritize some savings goals at the moment so we can no longer keep you on our plan.” I get that you don’t want to be your brother’s financial crutch, and if that’s the case, you might choose to cut them off entirely. But it’s also OK to help out your family—they just need to keep their nose out of your finances if you do. Either way, if your mother chooses to disinvite you from the holidays over a cellphone bill, that one is on her. All you can do is set some ground rules, be civil about it, and hope your family comes to their senses. —Kristin Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. More Money Advice From Slate I purchased term life insurance (expiring in 20 years) back when my now ex-husband and I thought we were ready to build a family. We’ve since divorced and I’ve decided it’s highly, highly unlikely I’ll have children after all. With no planned dependents to give my policy to, should I just get rid of it? Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Personal Finance Real Estate