‘I’m a man having an affair with a married man – but I’m beginning to want more’

Dear Roe,I’m a man in my 50s who has been seeing another man for some time. He’s slightly younger and married with children. We were work friends and then had an encounter one night while drunk. He instigated and I went with it because I’m attracted to him. He later told me he loved his wife but sex had always been focused on them trying to conceive children. He always gives the impression that he likes his wife a lot and they are a happy family regardless. There’s never been talk of them splitting up. Over the past year he has continued to initiate sex with me in private and I’ve permitted this. I don’t know what has changed but I’m starting to feel unsure. We always spend lunch together. This is in the middle of the day so nothing physical happens. I can feel myself getting more attached to him, even though I know it’s not a real relationship. It’s been hard for me in the past to accept my sexuality. I’ve never really had a long-term relationship before this, it just felt impossible for a long time. I’ve always had “down days” since I was young but in the past few months I’ve been trying to work on myself and be more present in the gay community. I know quite a few men (and women) come out later in life but I’m pretty sure my friend won’t ever do this. Do you think I’m being foolish? Sometimes I get angry with him because he gets to have everything his way. But at the same time, when he initiates sex or even just affection it’s like my chance to be close to him is more important than how I’ll feel about it later.Do you know what’s interesting about your letter? You spend a lot of time describing the situation of this man, his family situation, what you think he may or may not do in the future – and at no point do you state what you actually want. What do you want? From life, from love? When you think about your ideal vision of romance, relationships, community, what does it look like? You say that you think this man “gets everything his way”, and I doubt that’s true – I don’t think anyone wants to be cheating on their partner and hiding parts of their sexuality and living with the fear of what happens if his cheating is ever discovered. But to me, the more interesting question is what would it look like for you to have everything your way? Or to even imagine what that would look like?You say you’ve never had a long-term relationship and that you’re only beginning to become more present in the gay community. This is not at all uncommon, and I think it’s so beautiful and wonderful that you’ve reaching out to the community more for connection, friendship and understanding. I also think it’s absolutely understandable that you have become attached to a man who is offering you attention, the friendship you share at work, as well as sexual connection, and the recognition of your sexuality. After going without romance or a form of long-term connection, having this connection for a while has understandably met a need that you’ve been yearning for for a long time.READ MORE[ ‘My partner and I have a near-perfect relationship but we are at odds on the question of living together’Opens in new window ]But what I think is happening now is that you’re realising that what this man is offering you is not enough. You write that “I don’t know what has changed but I’m starting to feel unsure about what I’m doing”, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that you are beginning to question your arrangement with this man as you have started to make more of a connection with the community. As you begin to socialise and attend LGBTQ+ events and see other gay people out in the world, making connections, enjoying their friendships and relationships, it’s highlighting for you all the joy and connection and possibility that is available in the world – and it’s highlighting for you how constrained, small and limited your interactions with this man are; defined by and organised around his desire for secrecy and his inability to fully commit to you.I don’t want to defend this man’s actions – it’s awful when people don’t feel able to openly express and experience their sexuality, but it’s also an awful thing for his family to be lied to and cheated on – but I think it’s obvious that for you, this connection has been important. It has helped you shape an idea of what you want, what you deserve, and now it’s also helping you shape your idea of what isn’t enough for you, and what you don’t want to settle for. Now that the high of that initial connection has waned, you’re becoming more clear-eyed about the limits of what this man is offering you – and the demands that would be implicitly placed on you if you stayed with him.If you stay with this man, you’re giving up on the possibility of enjoying a shared social life, of enjoying the community you’re feeling increasingly connected to together. You’re giving up on the possibility of a partner who is fully committed to you and who is offering you a shared life together. And if you stay entangled with this man, your life and sense of romance, love, connection and sex will remain defined by his family, his wishes, his life – and his lies. Your life will be defined by the very secrecy and shame that you are increasingly trying to move away from, and trying to expand your life beyond.[ ‘I’ve fallen for a man at work, but he might still be married’Opens in new window ]I think you’re at the point of transformation – because you are ready to grow beyond what this man is offering. You are ready for something real, honest, open and full-hearted. You are ready to start moving through the world differently, embracing openness and joy and vulnerability and risk and all the authenticity and reward and fulfilment that come with that. You’re ready to be more connected with the community, and be open-hearted and ready for whatever may come from that – friendships, social opportunities, and yes, maybe even romance and love. And all of that requires leaving this man’s small orbit. Because he will never let you grow. He will instead demand that you shrink yourself to fit inside of his world.You can appreciate the connection you had with this man while giving yourself permission to want more. You can understand his circumstances while refusing to let them define your life.There are two quotes I’d like you to think about, one by Anaïs Nin and another mistakenly attributed to her. Nin wrote that, “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage”. And though commonly attributed to Nin, it was the poet Elizabeth Appell who wrote a short poem, Risk, in 1979 that simply reads, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”I think you’ve been trapped in a small bud for a long time, and the uncertainty and doubt you’re feeling about your attachment to this man are all signs that it’s time to blossom. It’s time to grow beyond him, and see what beauty awaits you. Be brave. And watch your world expand beyond what you ever imagined.