I regret bankrolling my boyfriend. He spent my money on Peronis and cocaine

The idea of the man being the main breadwinner in a relationship is shifting. According to research by the Centre for Social Justice, young women aged 16 to 24 in full-time work now earn an average of £2,200 more per year than men in the same age group, with women earning an average salary of £26,500, compared with £24,300 for young men. The change is playing out online, too. A viral essay by The Cut, and videos on TikTok, suggest that more women are “bankrolling” their boyfriends, and in some videos, young men are referring to their girlfriends as their “mummies” or calling themselves “sugar babies”. While much of the content may be a joke, it’s sparked a wider conversation about whether more Gen Z women are becoming the financial providers in their relationships. One woman tells me that she felt like the mother of her ex boyfriend, who was in his thirties. “I was hardly earning loads, but he’d spend all his money on pints, and then get me to lend him a tenner to get the train. He regularly asked me for a bit of money for this, a bit for this. He was trying to make it as a writer, but also didn’t do much writing. He mostly went out and got hammered, and also high. He did have a day job, but the money just disappeared,” she says. He’d also get into “existential melt-downs” that she’d regularly support him through. “For the next two years, I felt increasingly taken advantage of. I felt a lot of the time like he needed me to survive emotionally and financially, but also didn’t really treat me that well, and lied a lot. Somehow I felt sorry for him, and like I was responsible for him as a mum would be. A mum who loves her son unconditionally… except he was not my son, and it certainly wasn’t unconditional. Shorts “I believe wholeheartedly that in a partnership you should support each other through the bad times, and there are compromises to be had. You might even support them finanacially through a career change, or when one of you is struggling. But bankrolling a boyfriend is different – especially one who is spending your hard-earned money on Peronis and cocaine.” Looking at my own past relationship, and those of friends in their twenties, I realise this dynamic isn’t uncommon. Despite earning less than a previous partner, I paid a larger share of the bills and picked up the day-to-day expenses, that quite honestly I couldn’t really afford. It started as me thinking I was simply pulling my weight but gradually it became me carrying all of the financial load. While he always seemed to have money for designer clothes, nights out and holidays, I was left counting pennies to cover the bills. One of us was enjoying their disposable income, while the other was routinely emptying every pay cheque just to keep our lives ticking over. At the same time, I became his emotional sounding board. Every bad day, frustration and complaint landed with me because he rarely spoke to his friends about what was on his mind. Conversations that should have lasted minutes often stretched into hours every evening, yet, when I needed support it was very rarely reciprocated. When I was talking to a friend recently, she reluctantly admitted that she had been regularly sending her boyfriend five to £10 every few days for him to buy energy drinks, as he’d spent his wage (rightly) on his share of the bills, and then spunked the rest on alcohol or video games – which meant he was struggling to stay awake during the day. Another lent her boyfriend money to clear his debt that she hasn’t yet received back. I also see echoes of traditional gender roles in many relationships around me. The women I know still tend to take on most of the cooking, cleaning and emotional labour, while some are now also contributing more financially. Instead of replacing traditional expectations, it can feel as though new responsibilities have been added to the old ones. Of course, relationships are about supporting one another, whether that’s financially, emotionally or in other ways. There will always be times when one person carries more than the other because that’s what partnership is. But there’s a difference between supporting someone through a difficult period and quietly becoming responsible for their finances, their emotional wellbeing and the running of their life. That’s not an equal partnership, it’s just more women becoming the parents of manchildren.