I Need a Certain Kind of Sex a Few Times a Year. I’m Done Hiding This Part of Myself.

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Artem_Furman/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear How to Do It, I am a man who is mostly straight. I want a long-term relationship with a woman. I can only see myself kissing a woman and waking up next to one. I can only see myself spending life with a woman. However, there is a part of me that I mostly have to keep suppressed. I am very masculine and mostly dominant in bed as a man, but I occasionally enjoy having sex with well-endowed men as a bottom and being very submissive in that situation. It is a need that is occasional, like two to three times a year, but it is a need that I am done trying to get rid of. All of the women in my life have either ignored it or tried to force me to get it counseled out of me. I want to meet a woman who can love me for all of me and who actually gets turned on by me. I would prefer that she is also bisexual, or leans in that direction. Any thoughts on how and where to meet a woman like that? —Biannual Bottom Dear Biannual Bottom, Congrats on your resolve to have no shame for your bi-/triannual stuffing. No really, that’s huge. (That’s what you said.) You may want to look into bisexual apps/sites like BiCupid (this isn’t an endorsement—as a nonbisexual I have no experience with it). Feeld is another one you might want to look into as it skews toward the polyamorous and ethically nonmonogamous. Otherwise, you’re just going to have to shop around. I find it horrifying that women in your past have suggested counseling regarding your completely fine sexuality. Good for you that you ignored them. The optimist in me hopes that they represented unlucky matches—I understand that bisexuality in men remains too often misunderstood and stigmatized by their would-be women partners, but I have to believe that the world is changing enough that these attitudes are becoming rarer. If all else fails, you could move to a coast and try out the dating scene there? —Rich Juzwiak From: I Need a Particular Kind of Sex Just Twice a Year—but Women Can’t Seem to Stand It. (August 8th, 2021). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, I’m a woman in my 30s. My husband and I have been together for eight years. I absolutely always enjoy having sex with him once we’re doing it—and I’m one of those lucky ones who can orgasm very easily from penetrative sex alone—but I struggle to actually feel physically aroused before we’re in the middle of the act. It’s like the system only comes online once we’re mid-coitus. There are occasional exceptions, including when he’s being a bit more dominant, but we’re both a little less into that these days. And with a young baby, we don’t exactly have a ton of time for foreplay. (This problem predates my pregnancy, though.) I don’t know if this is a libido issue, per se: I’m genuinely interested in having sex with him, my body is just a few steps behind my brain. I do have a history of being more easily aroused at the start of a relationship and then substantially less so as time goes on, but I’m not interested in novelty or nonmonogamy. I just want my physical interest in sex with my husband to match how I mentally and emotionally feel about the prospect of getting it on with him. One thing that does reliably make me feel, um, “tingly,” is alcohol. I rarely drink, but a glass of champagne will have me ready to rip his clothes off. But I don’t want to have to drink to get that feeling!I’m not willing to use anything hormonal due to an elevated cancer risk, and I’d rather not waste a ton of cash chasing this feeling. Is there anything —like a topical cream or something?—that might help jump start things in a similar way to the rush I get from knocking back a drink? A casual Google search turns up hundreds of options, but a lot of them look cheesy as hell and just scream “novelty item.” Something out there has to be legit, though, right? —Late to the Game Dear Late, I think you have responsive sexual desire. Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are is a great explanation of the concept. To summarize, many people experience sexual excitement in response to stimuli, while others experience spontaneous desire. You may simply need stimulation to get in the mood, whether that’s the act of penetration or a dominant look. This is 100 percent OK, functional, and not something I know how to change. Give Nagoski’s book a read and see if anything feels familiar. You also might consider a marijuana-based lubricant. I’ve heard from people who’ve had good experiences with it, and find it gives me an extra tingle myself. Apothecanna is a brand I’ve tried and liked. I’m glad to hear that you’re cautious of creams that look like novelty items. Vaginal canals are delicate ecosystems, and you should be wary of disrupting your natural balance. —Jessica Stoya From: My New Guy Won’t Do What I Actually Want During Sex. I Know a Real Man Would. (November 30th, 2021). Dear How to Do It, My boyfriend loves watching double penetration porn and has trouble reaching climax without talking about his fantasies in bed. We use sex toys from time to time, and the love-making is great and long. But he can’t stop talking about wanting to have a male-female-male threesome during intercourse. I don’t mind his fantasies, but as much as they sound interesting, I don’t wish to make them a reality. I have talked to him about this many times, and it’s really frustrating. Using sex toys is where I draw the line. Do you have any advice? —Three’s a Crowd Dear Crowd, I’m unclear on whether you want your boyfriend to stop talking about his double penetration fantasies in an abstract way during sex, or if he’s pressuring you to make them a reality and you want to end that conversation (or both). If you want his fantasy expression to cease, you’re looking at a sexual mismatch. MFM threesomes are his thing. Some people need very specific physical stimulation. Some people take a very long time. Some people need to speak about their fantasies at length during the act. If his way of enjoying sex is necessary to him yet irritating to you, it might be time to move on. If the situation isn’t that extreme—you’re fine or even happy to engage in his preferred manner half the time—then taking turns being catered to seems like a good solution. He can have days where the focus is on his MFM desires, and you can have days where there’s none of that and the focus is on your preferences. If your boyfriend is pressuring you to escalate from toys to live humans, that’s a whole different story. Presuming you’ve stated your limits as clearly as you did here, there may be a large communication issue occurring between the two of you, or he may simply not care. The latter in particular is an enormous red flag, and I encourage you to move on if that’s the case. —J.S. From: I Ended a Mind-Blowing Affair. Now I No Longer Want to Have Sex With My Husband. (June 22nd, 2021). More Sex Advice From Slate I am a 38-year-old female who has recently undergone an IVF cycle after an infertility diagnosis. It was a horrible experience: The daily injections made me nauseous and extremely swollen, I had to wake up at 6 a.m. to do transvaginal sonograms and blood tests every morning before going to work for two weeks, and the surgery left me in so much pain that I still have difficulty sitting and standing. I have sacrificed so much, and, because of the medicine and surgery, I also cannot have sex for over a month. My husband only had to give his “sample” in a cup. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Sex