I kept tiger balm and lube by my bed – he reached for the wrong one

I don’t think either of us expected this moment – but it definitely wasn’t one we were going to forget (Picture: Getty Images/Connect Images) A scream pierced the stunned silence in my bedroom. Theo* was holding his penis in one hand and a small tub in the other, his head thrown back as he continued to yelp in pain. I smelled the problem before I saw it. A spicy menthol odor filled my nose and my eyes began to water. ‘Uh oh,’ I grimaced, as the seriousness of the situation hit me. I looked over at my bedside table at the untouched tub of lube looking innocently back at me, and then my eyes went to the tub in Theo’s hand. Ask Metro Use AI to go deeper into the stories you care about – powered by Metro and trusted publications. ‘That’s my tiger balm,’ I half-whispered, half-confessed, as Theo jumped up and started prancing naked around my room crying. Theo had woken up ready to have sex with me in the middle of the night – but Instead of grabbing the lube, he’d accidentally applied tiger balm, which contains menthol and camphor, on his erect penis. The result? Searing, piercing pain. I don’t think either of us expected this moment – but it definitely wasn’t one we were going to forget. It went from regular sex for about six months, to ‘every now and then’, until we eventually reached: practically never (Picture: Getty Images) I had been with Theo for around a year at that point, and we were very much falling in love. And while we started hot and heavy – we were having sex at least once a day for the first few months of our relationship – things had begun to take a turn. It went from regular sex for about six months, to ‘every now and then’, until we eventually reached: practically never. I hadn’t had sex with him in one whole month at that point and was absolutely gagging. We didn’t stop having sex out of choice – life very much got in the way. I started a job that involved a longer commute, which meant I would wake up earlier, come back later and be miserable until I fell asleep. I would then cram my weekends with social activities to try and make up for being so busy during the week. We tried to come up with some solutions (Picture: Getty Images) And Theo started experiencing side-effects to his anti-depressants; meaning, when we did have time for sex, we were sometimes physically unable. I never blamed him, and we didn’t have a bad relationship – we were just going through a lot. A little sex would have helped relieve the stress, is all. So, we tried to come up with some solutions. At first, I made an effort to come home, shower and make a move on Theo. One night I even slipped into a sexy chainmail number that I knew he liked, but as soon as I approached him, I remembered I had to finish a presentation for work and annoyance flashed across my face. ‘Wait, what did I do?’ asked Theo, confused. ‘Nothing…yet.’ I tried to say it sexily, but it came out clumsy. I was distracted by work. Theo pushed my body away from his as I approached him in the kitchen, and opened the camera on his phone to show me the face I was pulling. Staring back at me was the angriest woman I had seen in a long time. While it caused us to erupt in laughter and broke the tension, we didn’t get down and dirty. In fact, I quickly manoeuvred towards my laptop and finished my work in a slinky chainmail number. Another night of no sex. Next, I looked into buying fun toys to spice things up. Handcuffs were my first choice – kitschy but easy. I could tie him up, or he could tie me up; whatever he preferred. That weekend, I cancelled my plans and dangled the fluffy leopard print handcuffs I had bought in front of him, as he watched morning TV. His smile said it all – he jumped up, lifted me off the ground and carried me to bed. After throwing me down on the bed, he grabbed my arm and excitedly yanked it towards the bedframe to tie me up. As we slipped away into dreamland, Theo had one thing in his mind – having sex (Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto) This was my turn to scream – I had an old injury in my shoulder that decided to flare up at that moment. We’d been so close; but now I had pain in my shoulder and frustration in my vagina. Things were not looking good. That evening, we brought tiger balm, with its soothing properties, up to the bedroom so he could massage my shoulder before bed. As we slipped away into dreamland, Theo had one thing in his mind – having sex – and I was awoken by the poke of his erect penis into my back. ‘Wake up,’ he whispered into my ear, ‘I’m ready’. Smiling, I turned over – I was ready, too. In fact, I couldn’t wait. But having just woken up, my body wasn’t technically as ready as I needed it to be, and I couldn’t let him eagerly penetrate me without lubing me up. ‘Get the lube’, I whispered, pointing to my bedside table. I watched him fumble in the dark, opening a tub and rubbing it all over his cock. Not once did I imagine he picked up the wrong tub. I suggested calling an ambulance or taking him to A&E, but through the sobs, he refused any help (Picture: Epicurean/Getty Images) That’s when the smell hit me and he screamed in pain. When I jumped up and turned on the light, he was looking down at his bright red dick and crying. I felt awful. I suggested calling an ambulance or taking him to A&E, but through the sobs, he refused any help. I asked if he cared more about his dick or his pride, and I watched as he stood in pained silence, trying to choose between two impossible options. Eventually the pain went, and his penis was fine. When he finally reached out to his friend the next day who was a doctor, he was told: ‘Stop putting tiger balm on your dick you idiot’. Excellent advice. Luckily, a week later, we had sex. And the tiger balm lived in the little cupboard downstairs, never to find its way in the bedroom ever again. Deals of the Day Parents can save up to 30% on Kickers school shoes ahead of the new term The back-to-school hack that's helping parents avoid queues and sold-out sizes Could your hair be wavy rather than straight? This brand thinks so Could your star sign improve your skincare routine? This new beauty launch thinks so Best skincare for menopausal skin? This dermatologist-created treatment is tailored to you *Name has been changed Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing izzie.price@metro.co.uk. Share your views in the comments below. 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