I Just Learned My Mom Has a Secret Account With Plenty of Cash. What I Want to Do Next Isn’t Exactly “Fair.”

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Weedezign/Getty Images Plus. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, I was recently contacted by the relative of my mother’s good friend, “Candice.” Candice and my mom had a falling out a number of years ago. None of us are really sure what happened. Now Candice’s relative has reached out to tell me that Candice had passed away—and that she had a bank account with my mom. I knew nothing about the account, and my mom has dementia now. I have power of attorney, so I’m left trying to sort this out. Apparently there’s a sizable sum in the account (around $80,000). Here’s the issue: It’s clear that Candice’s relatives want me to give them some of the money in the account (potentially half). I know that, legally, it would all technically be my mom’s now that Candice has passed. I also know, realistically (given their respective financial positions), that Candice likely put the money in this account and my mom likely did not (but I don’t know that for certain). I feel for Candice’s relatives, and I want to acknowledge that I would not know about this account without them telling me. But my mom’s medical care just went up by $1,400 a month, so she needs this money. I’m having trouble balancing what’s fair to Candice’s relatives with my mom’s own needs. I want to give $25,000 to $30,000 to Candice’s estate and put the rest in an account for my mom. Is that fair? Is that too generous? —Stuck in the Middle Dear Stuck, This is a tough one because it’s not like you’re trying to spend the money on some expensive vacation for yourself, you’re stuck between two ethical choices. One being that you want to protect your mom, who depends on you and whose medical costs have gone up significantly. On the other hand, you want to do right by Candice’s family, too. Legally, you’re right—the money in a joint account usually belongs to the surviving account holder, which means the full amount is your mom’s. And with her dementia and rising care costs, of course you’d feel a responsibility to prioritize her needs. At the same time, you want to balance compassion with fairness, especially since it sounds like you wouldn’t have known about the account without Candice’s relatives reaching out. From an ethical standpoint, I think offering $25,000 to $30,000 to Candice’s family is a thoughtful middle ground that isn’t too generous but also also isn’t too stingy. It wouldn’t hurt to talk to an estate attorney, though. It’s not like they’re going to give you a clear cut moral answer, but they can confirm the legal status of the account and help you structure the transfer so it’s smooth, documented, and doesn’t create future conflict. Plus, they’ve probably seen many other situations like this and can maybe share some intel on how those situations were handled. —Kristin Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Classic Prudie In my husband’s family, it is a “tradition” to hand down baby items to the next pregnant family member. I am an only child and respect this to an extent, but most of the stuff isn’t valuable like a christening gown—it’s onesies, threadbare teddy bears, and beat-up strollers. A lot of the stuff isn’t safe to use. I caused a tiff because I refused to use my cousin-in-law’s car seat with my second child and offended the family by sending them all a copy of the recall notice for the car seat (they wouldn’t drop the subject until I did). Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Personal Finance