I Had a Great Date With a Promising Man. Then I Found the Things He’d Written Online.

How to Do It Well, this is doomed. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Olga Yastremska/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I went on a date with a beautiful man from an app. He was up for sex right away, which was tempting and flattering, but I wanted to wait a little. Mostly because I have been ghosted after hooking up with someone before and wanted to make sure he wanted more. I would have insisted on condoms until/unless we became exclusive, but we never actually got to that point. He took it well and gave me his socials so we could talk. Then I found something he wrote about being bisexual and never using condoms, even when just hooking up with new people. None of this was in his profile, and he never mentioned it. Being bi would not be a problem, but being that laid-back about STIs would. Should I say anything to him about this or just ghost? —Sad Stupid Girl Dear Sad Stupid Girl, If your reason to say something is based on wanting to communicate your concerns about this man’s lifestyle for the sake of shifting his safety standards, it isn’t worth it. He may be on both types of pre-exposure prophylaxis, or under some illusion that undergoing regular testing himself will protect him from acquiring STIs (as opposed to what regular testing actually does, which is give people the opportunity to detect and treat infections early). Regardless, a conversation from someone he went on one date with is unlikely to prompt a change, and that’s assuming a change is even actually warranted. Chalk it up to lifestyle differences and move on. If you’re hoping he likes you enough to change that lifestyle to fit your requirements, by all means make the request but brace yourself for a response somewhere between a gentle “no, thank you” and a full-throated defense of how he lives his sexual life. If your motivation is more about wanting to avoid being a ghoster, let’s think a bit about what ghosting means. Ghosting is frustrating for some folks because it leaves them hanging, wondering what happened, or pining over a person they aren’t hearing from. It ties into rejection and leaves them feeling like they’re being deprived of the clarity that they need. The thing is, while we absolutely do have to keep the needs of more sensitive folks in mind when we’re dating around and interacting with people we don’t know very well, this clarity is far from necessary for everyone. Some are even irritated by what feels like getting an unnecessary performance review when someone’s on their way out. Regardless of sexual orientation or safer sex practices, people who have lots of first-date hook-ups tend to be more relaxed, and experience silence from a person they went on one date with less like ghosting than guessing the two of you weren’t a good fit. If the two of you had a lead-up of long conversations, or had expressed long-term intent and some amount of emotional investment before or during the date, I’d encourage you to send a short message letting him know you aren’t interested in going further. Otherwise, I think you’re free to say nothing unless he reaches out to you. If he does reach out, let him know then. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, This is more of a curiosity question than anything. For some background, I am 20, nonbinary, and on the asexual spectrum. I am a virgin, and I am also autistic. I don’t think I will ever want to experience vaginal penetrative sex, and this was kind of extra solidified for me after I went to the gynecologist two years ago to get an IUD birth control (mainly to lighten my periods). It was definitely an uncomfortable experience, though not sharply painful, to have something put up my vagina. (I think they did use anaesthetic, but I don’t remember.) It was a clinical environment, so maybe sex with a living person would be different. However, any time I stick my finger up there, it isn’t pleasurable in any way, really. Both for that reason and also to keep my sheets clean (and also this is how I have always done it), when I want to get off, I mostly just stimulate myself (clothed) with the back of my palm in a prone position. Separately from this, the idea of sharing bodily fluids with someone grosses me out, but if that were not an issue for me, then do the above things indicate that I would find vaginal penetration uncomfortable, or at least, not especially pleasurable? Or does it feel very different from your own finger or a speculum? Do most people with vaginas who are virgins (or who haven’t given birth) feel this way, or does this indicate a medical issue? —Curiosity Hopefully Enlightens Me About the Cat Dear Curiosity Hopefully Enlightens Me About the Cat, Most people with vaginas, regardless of virginity or having given birth, find the vaginal examination part of a basic gynecologist visit something to tolerate, if not outright uncomfortable. Personally, barring a rough pap smear sampling or extended poking of my cervix, it’s a “do what you gotta do, and try not to pinch with the speculum, while I stare at the ceiling and take slow exhales because lying still for this long is inherently annoying” sort of experience. I’ve had conversations with people who have given birth, did not work in porn, and show absolutely no indication of any sensory “differences” much less those common in autism spectrum disorders or ADHD, have no general fear of doctors, and have experienced no or very little sexual assault, and find the speculum itself or the fact of a standard exam so stressful that they prefer to take an anxiolyitic (anti-anxiety) medication beforehand or bring a friend to hold their hand. Never in my life have I met a person who said they enjoy these exams. IUD insertion is a whole other level. Again, the most positive experience I’ve heard is more along the lines of “it was fine,” and some insertions are significantly painful. Factoring how an IUD insertion felt into a calculation of how vaginal penetration by a partner might feel is including data so irrelevant that it invalidates the conclusion—penetration of the cervix is so far outside of standard sexual practices (for very good reason) that I’ve also never heard of that being done recreationally. So far (and remember, I’m an advice columnist, not a doctor), I’m not hearing anything that flags a medical issue to me. That said, if you can describe what you mean by “definitely uncomfortable” in more detail, specifically what areas of your vagina felt uncomfortable, what was going on when you were feeling that discomfort, and what the qualities of that discomfort were, you can bring this question to your gynecologist at your next visit. If they take your question seriously and understand what you’re asking before responding, you can consider that answer to be a useful medical opinion. It’s difficult, though, because concepts like pain, discomfort, and the degrees of each are subjective. That’s why bringing the nuances of what you felt is helpful. As for the potential for pleasure, penetration by a partner almost always feels very different from a medical exam (if it feels like a medical exam, unless that’s the person’s kink, it’s best to stop and talk about how to reapproach the activity). Fingers, whether they’re yours or someone else’s, by virtue of having bones close to the surface and nails, can be more firm or sharp than desired. Penises, and various textures or consistencies of dildos, do feel different. The angle of insertion can be a factor as well—the angles you can achieve with your own hand might not be to your taste, but the angles another person can use may be more interesting. There’s also the context of arousal, which is complex. Sensations that feel really incredible when we’re turned on can feel boring, or even irritating or revolting, when we aren’t. There is no way for me, or anyone, to predict what you might enjoy under which circumstances. As long as you’re satisfied with your body and experience of it, keep doing what you’re doing. If you get curious about trying something in practice, go for it with the knowledge that sex and sexual desires are different for everyone. And, often inexplicably, things that previously left us cold, or felt really great, start feeling good or feeling lackluster. If you pursue partnered sex, choose partners you can communicate openly with, and remember that all parties have the right to call for a stop to a certain activity or the entire act of sex at any time. Share Your Story With How to Do It! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us! Dear How to Do It, When hosting a sex party, is it a bad idea to incorporate BDSM when you don’t know if all the attendees are into it? —To BDSM or Not to BDSM Dear to BDSM or Not to BDSM, Depending on how set you are on the guest list, ask people or give them a notice that BDSM will be happening. BDSM can mean a whole lot of things, so state whether it’s an anything-goes scenario (and be prepared for folks to really take you up on that) or which broad categories and degrees of intensity will be allowed and invited. As long as you’re clear, guests can come prepared or opt to change their RSVP to a no. —Jessica More Advice From Slate I got married in my 20s to a great person whom I met in my late teens. i’ve basically been monogamous for 20 years aside from the few times I’ve cheated because I got married following society’s rules (regrettably not really my choice—there was a lot of traditional and familial pressure), and was too young to know about open relationships. I feel very old school… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Sex