I came home from a party with my husband & walked out on our ‘perfect’ marriage… I’d lived a shameful secret for months

FROM the outside, Annalie Howling, 45, from South London, and her husband must have looked incredibly happy. They lived in a cosy home with an SUV on the drive, had a great social life and a beautiful daughter. But here, Annalie explains while everything appeared perfect, it wasn’t – and she had been keeping a shameful secret… Annalie Howling knows she made the right decision to get out of her marriage Credit: Lorna Roach Annalie with her new man, tech investor Alex Credit: Supplied She says: Behind closed doors there was a massive lack of communication and I felt more and more emotionally detached. We hadn’t had sex in months. I’ll never forget the moment I knew we were over. It was when I was at a friend’s party, looking around at the other happy couples, realising I was about to make a life-changing decision — and I did. I went home, paid the babysitter and I walked away after ten years. I could no longer live with my secret shame — that I was in a marriage without intimacy. That we were like room mates, nothing more. Things couldn’t have contrasted more with the start of our relationship. When I met my husband at the horse races, in 2010, there was an instant attraction. It was like meeting my Prince Charming. We got chatting and were going to kiss and exchange numbers but then a fight broke out and I was pulled away by a friend. Fortunately he tracked me down on Facebook. Coincidentally, we both lived in Clapham, South West London. I was working in property, while he was in a leadership role in the same industry. We even shared friendship groups. Early dates were brilliant. We’d go for coffees, nice long lunches and walk around the common area. We had adventurous dates too, like zorbing followed by fish and chips. He would always be on time. He always did the things he said he was going to do. He never messed me around. Everything felt so romantic. So when we decided to move in together after ten months of dating, it felt really natural. In December 2011 we bought a house together. Two years later, in 2013, he proposed during a special trip to Finland I’d organised for his birthday. We even had a fairytale castle wedding the next year. It was like something straight out of a movie. Now, though, reflecting back, I remember noticing little things that got to me on that day. Like his speech about me, which felt impersonal. He was a very ‘proper’ person, which doesn’t make him a bad guy. He did all the things you should do, like thanking the bridesmaids and guests, but it didn’t feel like an emotional connection. That lack of connection continued. During our honeymoon, a big trip around Asia, I noticed how stressed out he was in his everyday life. I put that down to his work, but also the huge life events of moving house and planning a wedding, but I could see it was affecting him. Things started to get worse when I was pregnant with our daughter in 2015. Work became something he felt he could no longer talk to me about, and our lack of communication started to put pressure on our marriage. When I had our daughter, Ellie, the following year, he was a great dad. He was loving and protective to her. But his work stress continued. I was engrossed in our baby and trying to protect him from any additional stress by not bothering him with anything troubling me. We just seemed to communicate less. Maybe I should have insisted that he found ways to manage the work stress. I feel very ashamed about that as I was, and still am, in that coaching field, too. I knew that we needed to get some help and I should have insisted, rather than thinking everything will just work out fine, as most of us do. I became resentful towards him because he went out to work and I was at home with our baby. We stopped feeling like a team. Soon we were no longer doing things together. Then tragedy struck. His friend was diagnosed with a brain tumour and sadly passed away — it was a huge shock. My husband was upset but it spurred him to get his own health checked.I thought this could be a turning point — that if he was able to manage his stress then he would feel happier and so would I. But it didn’t work out like that. The distance between us seemed bigger than ever and it became more normal not to have sex. I tried to spice up our marriage. I went to Ibiza with friends and I sent him a sexy picture of me all dressed up, but I got nothing back. I was 38. I felt so unwanted. I even went on a female sexual empowerment course with other strangers hoping it might bring our sex life back. Annalie, pictured with her ex, said: ‘Everything appeared perfect… except it wasn’t. There was a massive lack of communication. We hadn’t had sex in months’ Credit: Andrew Lockey Annalie says: ‘It was the right thing to get out. That was the best decision I ever made for both of us and our daughter’ Credit: Lorna Roach I learnt about sensuality and touch. You blindfold each other, you are naked, and stroke each other. I was doing that with the view of bringing that back to my marriage and hoping that would change everything. But rather than revive our sex life, it raised questions about our compatibility. We went to couples’ counselling about four times in the end. It helped maintain positive co-parenting but it didn’t help us. The final straw came at my friend’s party, at a bar in December 2019. Seeing everyone so in love just made me realise it was the end for us. I knew in my heart I had to end our marriage — it was the only way we could both be happy again. Looking back, I realise I was far from alone in my choice. Last year, more than 100,000 divorces were granted in England and Wales, and around 63 per cent of those petitions were filed by wives.In decades gone by, women might have only initiated a divorce due to infidelity or a major betrayal. But I was part of a huge cultural shift — we are becoming ‘walkaway wives’ who refuse to settle for a life without love. At first I was worried about the timing. It was near Christmas and we had a holiday booked. But I knew I was just stalling and there would never be the right time. So, in the car on the way home, I turned to him and said: “I’m not prepared to hate you.” When we got home, I paid the babysitter and then that was it. I told him our marriage was over and there was just a stunned silence. It was only numbness. There was no fight left in either of us. We were both emotionally exhausted, and we slept in separate rooms that night. A few days later he told me I was brave to have done what I had. He agreed it hadn’t been working and that it was the right decision. But he would never have been the one to call a day on it and would have buried his head in the sand. In January, we were all supposed to be going on holiday as a family. Instead, we agreed it was best for me to just go with my daughter so that my husband could move out. I was on fight or flight mode the whole time.Our divorce officially came in December 2022. Research has revealed that nearly 56 per cent of us would end a marriage simply because they felt unhappy. A quarter of the 2,000 women surveyed cited falling out of love as the reason for their marriage breakdown, and 55 per cent said there was no longer a stigma attached to walking out. Annalie says: ‘I knew in my heart I had to end our marriage — it was the only way we could both be happy again’ Credit: Lorna Roach Annalie says: ‘Looking back, I realise I was far from alone in my choice’ Credit: Lorna Roach This has given me so much reassurance to know I wasn’t crazy or selfish. It wasn’t until 2020, post lockdown, that I felt able to date again. It wasn’t plain sailing at first. I assumed that guys in their forties and fifties would have already dealt with any life issues. I was shocked that the ones I met really hadn’t. I then downloaded a dating app, only to find my ex-husband on there. But this reassured me that the right kind of guys were on there, as he was a good guy and we did have so much right as well. It gave me the courage to keep going. I found a match and now I’ve been with Alex, 54, for more than three years. He’s a former city executive turned tech investor. We have an unbelievable and satisfying sex life — it is mind-blowing. I’m 45 now and I feel totally desired by him. Our communication is open and he makes me feel safe. I don’t blame my husband for the breakdown of our marriage. It ultimately took two to tango, but I knew I was unhappy. It was the right thing to get out. That was the best decision I ever made for both of us and our daughter. Daughter’s name has been changed. Head to Annalie Howling’s YouTube Happy After Podcast where this week she will be talking to her divorce lawyer.