I am torn between affair with my son’s teacher or whether to reunite with his dad

DEAR DEIDRE: THE school run has taken an unexpected turn as a man I had a steamy one-night stand with is my son’s new teacher. The first pick-up was so embarrassing as he made it very clear that he remembered me. At the time we hooked up, I didn’t realise this gorgeous man was a teacher. I really fancied him but because I’d recently split from my son’s father, I wasn’t interested in anything serious. I remember being quite tipsy and saying, “I only want you for your body”. He laughed and said that was fine with him. Now I see him every morning and feel a mixture of excitement and embarrassment. He’s so lovely and my son adores him. I find myself fantasising about him all the time and am tempted to see if he’d be interested in meeting for another date. WhatsApp and Contact Dear Deidre WhatsApp, DM, or email our experienced counsellors for a free, comprehensive response. WhatsApp and Contact Dear Deidre WhatsApp, DM, or email our experienced counsellors for a free, comprehensive response. But it’s complicated because I’ve started to get close to my son’s dad again, too. He’s stayed over a couple of times and we’ve been having sex again. We split up after 11 years together because he’d completely given up making an effort with me, our son and our home. He works long hours as a taxi driver but seemed to think that because I work part-time, I should do absolutely everything at home. I’m 39, he’s 41 and our son is nine. We were having massive rows all the time. After a particularly nasty argument, he stormed out and moved in with his brother. That was six months ago. We’ve recently started sleeping together again. But now I’m so tempted to see if there is anything worth pursuing with my son’s teacher. I’ve never been attracted to anyone like this before. DEIDRE SAYS: You’re getting plenty of attention from your son’s teacher so it’s no wonder your head has been turned. However, there is a lot more than sexual chemistry at risk here. Think about how difficult it would be for your son if you dated his teacher. Before you even consider pursuing the teacher, slow down and look at the opportunity to strengthen your family. You clearly still have a strong connection with your ex but to ensure a more stable relationship, you must talk openly about how you felt taken for granted and how you would like to see him get more involved with your son. Ask what a happy home life looks like to him and what adjustments he’d want to make in order to strengthen your relationship. But whatever you do, don’t simply slip back into old habits again. Only think about moving on when you have properly explored what could be with your ex. SHALL I TELL PAL HIS WIFE IS A CHEAT? DEAR DEIDRE: WATCHING my best mate’s wife lean in and kiss another of our good friends was like a punch to the stomach. Last summer I was making a food delivery to a festival 60 miles away from the town where we all live. I couldn’t believe it when I saw my friend’s wife and this other guy draped over each other, acting as if they were a bona fide item in the entrance queue. I was genuinely horrified. I was tempted to storm up to them then but simply continued with my delivery in shock. We’re all in our late twenties. We grew up together and I thought we knew everything about each other. I don’t know what to do with this information and feel sick whenever I see any of them and have to pretend everything is as it was. My wife says I’ve got to tell my best mate the truth – she’s insistent that it’s the only option. But they have got two young children and I don’t want to be the person responsible for breaking up their family. I love those kids. It’s been five weeks since I saw the two of them together and my wife is fed up hearing me agonise about what I should do. She’s started to say that if I don’t tell my best friend, then she will. I’ve started avoiding catching up with both friends and I know they are wondering what is going on with me. What is the right thing to do? DEIDRE SAYS: It’s clear that this knowledge, this secret, is really weighing you down and causing you great stress. You could try talking to your best mate’s wife, or the other pal and explain you know about their affair. Suggest they come clean with your best friend – otherwise they will leave you with no option but to tell him yourself. You can also state that the news will be much better coming from them than from you. Let them know they have put you in an impossible situation and they need to start facing up to reality. Please don’t take on any blame for any fallout. You are not responsible for what happens to your best friend’s family. His wife and your other friend have to take full ownership of that. You can pass on my support packs, Cheating – Can You Get Over It? and When Parents Fall Out, which will help them consider whether they can rebuild their marriage and how best to protect their children. BOYFRIEND WON'T HAVE SEX WITH ME DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend of two years won’t have full sex with me but is always complimenting other women. I feel overlooked and undervalued, but he says I’m being too sensitive. How can it be normal to critique other women’s bodies in front of me? He is always talking about how good other women look and even goes into detail about what he’d like to do to them. I’m 31 and he’s 34. He isn’t interested in penetrative sex – all he wants is oral and he rarely reciprocates. When I ask if he still loves me, he says, “I’m still here, aren’t I?” DEIDRE SAYS: I really am struggling to see one positive here. Your boyfriend doesn’t seem capable of a respectful and loving relationship. He knows his comments about other women upset you and yet he dismisses you, rather than adjusting his behaviour. Even your sex life is all on his terms. Please think about ending it and finding someone who knows how to treat a partner well. My support pack, Moving On, will help. UNWANTED ADVANCES DEAR DEIDRE: CHATTING to a woman in the gym hot tub has landed me in hot water. I kept bumping into her every week and we’d have a nice catch up. I thought we got on and she was single so I decided to take the bull by the horns and ask her out. But the next time I went to the gym, the manager pulled me aside to tell me she had reported me for inappropriate behaviour. Was I acting out of line? All I did was ask if she fancied a coffee. I’m 53 and got divorced two years ago. I think this woman is two or three years younger than me. Initially, I convinced myself I didn’t need anyone but I’ve been lonely and would like a relationship. I feel so out of my depth here, though. Did I do something wrong? DEIDRE SAYS: If you asked her out in the Jacuzzi, she may have felt uncomfortable if she was only wearing a swimming costume. In future, focus on friendship and a relation-ship may follow. My support pack, How To Date Successfully, will help. FAMILY FORUM DEAR DEIDRE: I’M horrified by the way my daughter and son-in-law parent their two sons. They are cruel and heavy handed and I’m so worried about the damage they are doing to the children. I didn’t realise how bad it was until I moved in with them after my husband died. My daughter thought it would be a good idea so that I could help with my grandchildren who are nine and seven. I’m 69 and my daughter and son-in-law are in their mid 30s. My grandsons are good kids but my daughter has zero patience for them and their father is nasty. My youngest grandson has ADHD and he is very impulsive, chaotic and messy but they simply yell at him. My son-in-law sees them as an inconvenience and isn’t interested in spending time with them. If they don’t do what he says immediately or they make a mistake in his eyes he’ll bawl at them or wallop them. Every bedtime ends in tears. I’m genuinely worried for them. I spend as much time as I can with them and we three have a great relationship. I feel like I’m letting them down as I haven’t stepped in or said anything to my daughter or son-in-law. I’m worried that if it all blows up, I’ll have nowhere to go and would see my grandchildren even less. DEIDRE SAYS: You are in a very difficult situation and don’t want to fall out as it could leave you without a roof over your head and it would mean you would see less of your grandsons. Your relationship with them is clearly very positive. Try to talk to your daughter and ask if you can do anything to help as you see its very demanding having two young children. Opening the conversation can give you the chance to offer kinder coping strategies. You can get more advice from nspcc.org.uk (0808 800 5000) and can contact them anonymously. My support pack Worried A Child’s At Risk? has a lot more information. If you have any financial share in the house but things get worse and you have to leave, contact citizensadvice.org.uk for free legal advice.