How to be more likeable: 6 science-backed conversation habits for success

When we think about successful people, we often focus on competency — degrees, scores and credentials. Of course, those are important, but no one believes in competence without warmth. This is where being likeable is key to your success.The good news is that being likeable isn’t simply a personality trait; it’s a skill that you can learn. In my new book, Conversation, I dig into the research behind what makes someone brilliant company. And it starts with the very first question that you ask.Take “Been busy lately?” It might be the single worst thing that you can enquire at the beginning of a conversation. The word “busy” sends most people hunting back through their week for stress.Talking about your own busyness backfires, too. Jessica Rodell at the University of Georgia found that people who brag about how stressed they are come across as less warm and less competent, and colleagues are less willing to help them. Ask instead: “What was the best part of your weekend?” Or my favourite, the simplest of all: “Tell me something good.”Become an expert conversationalist with these tipsPexelsConnection also depends on how you tell your stories. When I analysed Howard Stern’s interviews, I noticed that he rarely starts a story cold. He decorates it first: “Want to know the horrible truth?” or “Let me ask you a crazy question.” I call this conversational confetti. It works because of what the behavioural economist George Loewenstein called an “information gap”: once we sense there’s something we don’t know yet, we want to fill it.Before telling your best story at dinner, try “The weirdest thing happened to me last week…” or “Have I got a story for you!” Of course, only use these on stories and anecdotes that actually deserve it!How to be more likeableStop talking after 30 secondsOne of the quickest routes to likeability feels counterintuitive: asking for advice. Most of us avoid it because we worry it makes us look clueless. Other people don’t see it that way. Researchers at the University of Mannheim found that when we picture ourselves asking for help, we zero in on how weak it will make us look. But when we picture someone else doing it, we judge them more kindly. They call it the beautiful mess effect.Asking for someone’s advice also tells them that you value what they think. Try “You always find the best restaurants. Where should I go for my anniversary?” or “You’re so good at this. What would you do?” And if it works, go back and tell them “You were right.” Everyone loves hearing that.Good conversation should feel like a game of catch, not a TED talkBrilliant company also knows when to pass the conversation back. If you’ve ever left a great conversation knowing almost nothing about the other person, you might be overtalking. Good conversation should feel like a game of catch, not a TED talk. You don’t need to talk less, you just need to toss the ball more often.Research finds that most turns are 15 to 30 seconds. Past 45 seconds it starts to feel like a mini-monologue. I’ve had thousands of students practise with a 30-second timer. Extroverts feel it’s way, way too short. Introverts feel it lasts forever and get upset with me and my timer! Keep this phrase handy: “And how about you?” If you catch yourself rambling, say, “Wow, that was a longer story than expected, let me give you a turn.”How you react to others matters just as much as what you say. My daughter Sienna once held up her latest invention, a peanut butter sandwich rolled in yoghurt, and said, “Isn’t this the best thing EVER?!” Without thinking, I said, “Ew. Gross.” She looked down and quietly said, “Well… I like it.” Cue instant mom guilt. If a friend says they’re starting a cactus garden and you reply, “That’s weird!”, they’re less likely to open up to you next time. So don’t yuck their yum. Instead of “Ew”, try “Huh! What made you try that?” Instead of a sceptical “Really?” try “That’s so you.” And instead of “I don’t get it”, try “Who got you into that? Tell me what you love about it!”Your last 10 words matterThe same goes when someone shares something bigger. Never leave them with vulnerability regret: that awful feeling when you share something personal and instantly wish you hadn’t. It usually follows a reply like “Dude, that was years ago! You gotta let that go.” So when someone opens up, reward them. If it’s good news, get excited with them: “Oooh, how great. Tell me more?” If it’s hard news, slow down: “Oh, no, that must have been so hard.” And show your presence with your body, too: nod and raise your eyebrows while they talk. These are non-verbal cues of interest.PixabayFinally, brilliant company knows how to leave on a high note. We’ve all been stuck in a conversation that’s clearly over, but nobody knows how to end it. That’s not you being bad at goodbyes. Neither of you wants to be the rude one who leaves first. A team led by Harvard researchers studied 932 conversations and found that they almost never ended when both people wanted them to. And people had little idea when the other person was ready to go. So don’t wait for the awkward fade-out. Your last 10 words matter as much as your first 10. When the conversation hits a high point, pair a compliment with your exit: “It’s been wonderful talking with you. I see the host over there, I’m going to say hi.” Or “Wow, time flew by! Want to grab another drink soon?”Read MorePick one idea and try it this week. And if someone still doesn’t warm to you after all this, you haven’t failed, you’ve found a filter. And you’re not here to please everyone.