Dressing for Joy Helped Carry Me Through the Hardest Chapter of My Life

Courtesy of Ruby Ford-DunkerThe sun poured into my room as I lay buried in bed, wailing at the ceiling. My thoughts screamed lies until they started to sound like the truth, sucking the saturation out of my once technicolored life. I was convinced the worst was yet to come: my heart pounded, my hands shook, and my breathing quickened. I was having a nervous breakdown.Struggling with my mental health was nothing new. I began therapy at 11 years old and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder a couple of years later, when stress-induced vomiting and fainting became a regular part of my schedule. As the years slipped by, panic attacks became as routine as breathing, and I baked therapy and medication into my daily life—but this was different.My mind was under attack, contorting reality, turning my thoughts into my worst enemy, and asking repeated questions until I felt sick. I had found myself in the hands of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)—a mental health condition that can appear in many different ways. In my case, it latched onto recurring intrusive thoughts followed by a slew of repetitive behaviors meant to ease the anxiety caused by the feared outcome.Days of this turned into months, making a simple shower difficult to get through. While I was taking steps towards healing—like going to therapy, continuing on medication, and leaning on my faith—I still felt gray, unable to shake the feeling of dread. But it was after slipping on a black T-shirt that something clicked.My wardrobe had always consisted of timeless separates, but in my soul-weary state, the black tee read as further proof of the darkness in my life. I ached for vibrance, pining for any bit of joy I could capture—and the dark tee wasn’t it. So, I decided to use fashion as a form of rebellion.Courtesy of Ruby Ford-DunkerI fished a butter-yellow blouse, flowing maxi skirt, and pink jelly flats out of my closet like my life depended on it (and in a way, it did). I felt like a fraud wearing the whimsical look as I stared myself down in the mirror; I was still struggling and heavy-laden after all. Was I simply playing a game of dress-up to pretend I was okay? No. When I thought back to who I was at my core—before OCD, anxiety, and depression robbed me of my inner glow—the outfit reflected exactly who I was running back to. Even though my circumstances felt dull, there was still color, life, and hope ahead.When I later described that morning to Aliza Shapiro, LCSW, a licensed psychotherapist and founder of Therapy In The City, she pointed to behavioral activation, a therapy approach to treating depression, to explain what I’d just experienced. “The idea is that we do not always wait until we feel better to take action; rather, we take actions that create an environment where feeling better becomes possible,” she told me of fashion’s ability to impact our inner worlds. “Behavior comes first; the emotion follows.”This ties directly into enclothed cognition, a psychological theory that “suggests clothing influences how we think, feel, and behave,” said Shapiro. “Clothing can act as a cue for identity, especially during times when our mental health has us questioning who we are.” As it turns out, every bow-adorned dress, gingham set, and citrus-colored co-ord I threw on served as a reminder of who I was.Courtesy of Ruby Ford-DunkerI soon began to experience the benefits of both therapeutic approaches Shapiro discussed—without initially knowing there was clinical research to back up my actions. Sure, my circumstances were virtually the same, but one look in the mirror provided the slightest glimmer of optimism where there was only defeat.Clothing can act as a cue for identity, especially during times when our mental health has us questioning who we are. —Aliza Shapiro, LCSWAnd I’m not alone in using fashion as a form of resilience: when I asked around, friends and colleagues opened up about their own experiences. “I spent nearly a month in bed after quitting my job and ending my relationship…,” Christina Dagmar Summers, founder of Dagmar Consultancy, shared with me. “Fashion didn't erase my grief, but it helped me breathe again.”Saanya Ali, writer and founder of SaanSerif, went through a string of health concerns last year, wanting to “spend weeks on end in the same pair of sweats from high school.” Instead, she shimmied into intentional outfits before doctor’s appointments, MRI scans, and pharmacy visits. “Dressing for the things that scared me… became a kind of armor,” she said.Communications consultant Sam Gauchier said that after leaving the company she’d spent seven years with, choosing colorful, expressive pieces reminded her she “still existed beyond [her] title and was worthy even on the days no one was asking [her] to prove it.” Brand marketing consultant and creator Colette Killworth even found fashion as a way to prioritize herself during pregnancy. “Not only did it help me stay connected to my identity outside of growing a human, but it also kept me creatively stimulated and helped me find joy in navigating a changing body,” she said. “The moment I let that slip, I noticed it reflected in my mental state.”Courtesy of Ruby Ford-DunkerBut dressing in vibrant colors and exciting prints shouldn’t be misconstrued as escapism. In my situation, the adversity was still palpable. I wasn’t slipping on lively silhouettes to suppress the pain, but claiming one intentional space for restoration. Because when you’re being pulled under, you must ruthlessly search for hope and joy anywhere you can—even when it feels impossible. In Shapiro’s words, “It is about giving yourself a physical and symbolic reminder that difficult feelings are allowed to be here, but they are not your entire identity.”When you're being pulled under, you must ruthlessly search for hope and joy anywhere you can—even when it feels impossible.Wearing pretty pastels and lace dresses didn’t fix everything. Five months out from the original onset of OCD symptoms, I’m still recovering and continuing with treatment in pursuit of full healing. However, dressing for joy before I felt it allowed me to tap into a renewed outlook. It provided a space for me to reclaim my identity—not one marked by adversity, but one defined by possibility and belief.If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, help is available. Visit FindTreatment.gov to find care, or call 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) for free support and mental health resource referrals. If you need immediate help, call or text 988 or chat online at 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.Ruby Ford-Dunker (McAuliffe) is a fashion and lifestyle journalist featured in Vogue, InStyle, Elle, Who What Wear, Marie Claire, Brides, the New York Post, Business Insider, and more. When she’s not reporting on her latest fashion obsession, she can be found listening to Taylor Swift, hunting for the best vanilla latte, playing with her cats, or smiling her way through a dance workout. Email Ruby at therubybrand@gmail.com, and keep up with her on Instagram @rubyymcauliffe and Substack via Style Note.