The biggest parents’ evening mistakes you can make – and what to ask

The timer is set, you now have five or 10 minutes to learn all you can about your child’s school life. Parents’ evening can feel like an amazing opportunity to learn more about your child; a chance to be surprised by skills which remain completely hidden at home, or it can become an oddly pressurised, awkward chat. So, we’ve asked teachers about the best, worst and frankly oddest questions they are asked, so parents and carers can get the most out of parents’ evening. At least hopefully it will prove an antidote to any children’s claims that they do “nothing” for the 30 hours a week they spend in school. Shorts Come prepared Parents’ evening isn’t just an update on how your child is getting on, Lynn Provoost, an assistant secondary school headteacher explains: “It’s a chance for you, your child and their teachers to work together to remove barriers, celebrate strengths and plan for future progress,” she says. If your child is in secondary school, prepare by asking them beforehand about what they’re learning. Provoost recommends finding out: “What do they enjoy about their favourite subjects? Which subjects do they find difficult? What do they think makes those subjects challenging? What are their hopes and aspirations for the future?” She says: “Understanding what helps your child to thrive in one subject can provide valuable clues [to teachers] about how they might overcome barriers in another subject,” she explains. “Do share what your child hopes to do in the future. “Teachers can then help them understand how knowledge and skills connect to their future goals and potential careers. Every child should know “why does what I’m learning matter?’ Teachers can help make these connections clear.” Is my child happy? Wellbeing is always the most important thing. Ruth Lue-Quee, educational consultant and former primary school deputy head, says: “I’d encourage parents to remember is that parents’ evenings shouldn’t just be about academic attainment. It is an opportunity to understand your child as a whole person: their happiness, confidence, friendships, independence and attitude towards learning. These things are just as worthy of conversation as their academic progress (if not more, as it underpins everything else).” Some of her favourite questions are “Is my child happy at school?”, which she says sounds simple but is important. “A child who feels safe, happy and connected is in a much better position to learn,” she says. Also ask: “Who does my child play with, and how do they interact with other children? “Friendships, social development and the ability to navigate relationships are incredibly important parts of childhood,” Lue-Quee explains. Are they kind? Advisory SEN teacher Allison Young*, who’s been working as a teacher for more than two decades, remembers one of her first parents’ evenings when she was a class teacher. “I was giving really detailed feedback about a year 6 girl to the family. She was very bright and flying with learning. At the end of the meeting the dad asked me, ‘Is she kind?’ He said that’s the only bit that mattered to him. I remember thinking she was a really exceptional student and maybe that was why. The dad definitely didn’t really care about the SATs info I was sharing.” What do they avoid or struggle with? Finding out how our children learn can help us support them. Rachael Dawson, class teacher and personal development primary school lead, suggests: “Ask questions around their ability to collaborate and to work independently. Those kinds of skills really matter.” I’d also encourage parents to ask whether their child is confident enough to ask for help, make mistakes and try new things. Lue-Quee suggests asking: “Is there anything my child finds difficult or avoids? This can reveal things that aren’t immediately obvious from homework or academic reports,” she says. This can be coupled with: “What does my child enjoy most about school? This helps parents understand their child’s interests and strengths, which can then be nurtured at home,” she explains. What can we be doing at home? All the teachers I spoke to emphasised that parents’ evening is a good time to nurture the partnership between school, parent and student. Lue-Quee recommends asking: “What is one thing we could do at home to support their development?” She says: “I particularly love this question because it creates a partnership between parents and teachers.” For secondary pupils, Provoost suggests asking: “What can we do at home to help them revise, retain what they have learned or prepare for future learning? What should my child be doing now to make progress towards their next steps? Where can I find information about the curriculum and enrichment opportunities? “The aim is to leave with a shared understanding and clear actions,” she says. “When students, parents and teachers are working together, children are much more likely to make progress.” Can I help more? Teachers appreciate offers of help. “Do volunteer to come into school to hear children read, support with art projects, talk about your culture, heritage or career, or to help out on school trips or residentials,” Dawson says. Her only caveat is to not be unrealistic and show goodwill when you have no capacity. “Only offer if you actually can!” she warns. Can we have another meeting? If you have a big issue or concern, whether it’s bullying, mental health, symptoms of a neurodevelopmental condition that you’d like to investigate such as chewing hands, dysregulation or emotional collapse when your child arrives home, or in fact anything that is worrying you that warrants more than a few minutes of chat, teachers suggest to book a separate time. “These things should be raised when they occur and appropriate time can be booked in to discuss,” Dawson says. “Often they are raised at parents’ evening and can cause a huge queue at the door when appointments run over time.” ‘It’s a chance for you, your child and their teachers to work together to remove barriers, celebrate strengths and plan for future progress,’ says Lynn Provoost, an assistant secondary school headteacher Can we chat to the Senco? If your child has special educational needs, Young suggests: “It’s useful to have a session with the Senco or for them to join with the class teacher. If your child has an EHCP then you might want a check in termly. Do bear in mind that some pupils who might be neurodivergent might not be on the SEN register – it depends how their needs are being met. Some schools put all children on but that’s not actually the guidance.” And the form tutor? For secondary school students, Provoost says: “Make sure you speak to your child’s form tutor [not just subject teachers]. They will see your child regularly and often have a broader understanding of how they are settling into school. She recommends asking: “What strategies are working well? How are they getting on socially and emotionally? Are they fully engaged in school life?” If your child is experiencing difficulties with friendship or settling in, raise this with their form tutor, she recommends. If concerns continue, then arrange a conversation with their head of year. Find out about extra-curricular opportunities A sense of belonging is hugely important. “Discovering what else the school offers at parents’ evening is a great opportunity to find out about enrichment activities, leadership opportunities, career support sessions, clubs, trips, awards and competitions,” Provoost says. “These can help your child develop confidence, discover new interests and importantly, the key message, feel that they belong.” Can we come separately? Some of the most awkward hours of my life were when my parents, recently split up, attempted to navigate GCSE options parents’ evening together with me in tow. As a self-conscious teenager, I remember ruling out one subject when my dad’s sense of humour landed badly as he suggested to one teacher that it mainly involved “colouring in”. While it might be preferable for all parents involved to attend together, it is not necessary. Your children are likely to value harmony more than an awkward show of turning up at the same time. Young is reassuring. “If it’s tricky then schools can accommodate that,” she says. Ask about your own child, not someone else’s It may sound obvious, but every parents’ evening teachers are asked about other children. “It’s a waste of time asking any specific questions relating to another child, whether it’s their behaviour or attainment as data protection laws means no details can be shared,” Rachael Dawson says. A surprising number of parents and carers want to find out about their children’s friends’ assessment scores. “I assume it’s competitiveness, but also because they might be considering getting tutoring if they perceive their child is falling behind,” she adds. Questions about age are never appropriate I’ve caught myself thinking that a teacher is young enough to be my child before. Do not let the internal monologue escape. Dawson says: “Please, never ask, ‘How old are you?’” And finally… be very cautious about flirting If you find yourself flirting at parents’ evening, remember firstly that it’s probably not the place, and secondly that your children might find out. Young remembers a parents’ evening when she was a newly qualified teacher. “A dad was very flirty – to be fair he was gorgeous! He sent me flowers the next day to school and his kid said, ‘Gosh, you’ve gone well red’ and asked who they were from. I replied, ‘Your dad’. The child was then brighter red and quiet all afternoon!”