Celebrity MasterChef is worryingly short of celebs – but wheeling out guest Paddy McGuinness might be show’s last straw

VERY occasionally, you can pinpoint the exact moment a television show is sunk by one of its own format twists. On Celebrity MasterChef it was hidden within host Grace Dent’s teasing introduction for week one’s “very special guest”, in the new Who’s Coming To Dinner? slot. Celebrity MasterChef is worryingly short of celebs – but wheeling out guest Paddy McGuinness might be show’s last straw Credit: BBC Paddy is television’s grim reaper, who’s already knackered two heritage shows, A Question Of Sport and Top Gear Credit: Alamy “He’s known for his straight talking.” Piers Morgan? “His sense of humour.” Not Piers Morgan. “And his unmistakable northern charm.” Peter Ka . . . “It’s Paddy McGuinness.” Oh. Television’s grim reaper, who’s already knackered two heritage shows, A Question Of Sport and Top Gear, so he shouldn’t have too much trouble killing off this old wreck, you might imagine. But I don’t actually believe in curses or even the destructive presenting powers of Paddy McGuinness. Well, not entirely. It’s the thought process that’s given the game away here and the fact someone’s actually looked at all the talent assembled for the 2026 run and said: “You know what this celebrity show really needs? A celebrity.” You can’t fault the logic either as, ten contestants into the latest run, the only one who’s fitted the description is comedian Joe Pasquale, who adds a layer of affection to any show (see also Celebrity Hunted), whether it deserves it or not. He was a reassuringly cheerful presence in week one as well, alongside someone off Love Island, singer Jay McGuiness, weightlifter Emily Campbell and the colossal ego of Jason Mohammad, who refers to himself, with some passion, as: “J-Mo.” The BBC Sports presenter wasn’t one to underplay the cookery challenges either, finishing one off with the claim: “I feel battered and bruised, as if I’d done 24 rounds with Muhammad Ali. “But I think I did Wales proud.” Wales? Too modest, J-Mo. You did the world proud with your lamb and leek pie. Say what you like about the principality’s latest cookery sensation, though, J-Mo’s vaulting conceit did at least give me something to cling on to in the first round. Week two has no such charms. All we’ve got in fact are: Retired ballet dancer Eric Underwood, Masood the postman from EastEnders (Nitin Ganatra), Gladiator Dynamite, YouTuber TommyInnit and actress Donna Preston, whose signature dish was a doner kebab: “Because that’s my name.” An offering, which I’m very glad to say, didn’t follow a precedent set by Dick Strawbridge. The only contestant who fitted the ‘celebrity’ description is comedian Joe Pasquale Credit: BBC Celebrity MasterChef has no superstars or special guests that are particularly special – it’s just got Zoe Ball Credit: BBC With so little to go on, though, India Fisher’s script is having to do more heavy lifting than Emily Campbell to get any mileage out of this lot. Not least with Donna herself who: “Lights up the screen with her larger-than-life comedic TV and film roles,” in such diverse roles as “Fat Grimsby Lass” in Grimsby and “Fat Pat” in Hard Cell. The production team realise the show’s limitations, though. So they’ve attempted to jazz up Celebrity MasterChef’s fixtures and fittings, starting with a decent new co-host, Giorgio Locatelli, who’s as close to a saving grace as they’re likely to get. There’s also a new MasterChef pin to be won, which gives contestants an advantage heading into the next round. None of it saves the day, though, because the process is so grindingly repetitive it would nullify the original Rat Pack to the point you’d be five minutes into the show, and India Fisher would still be saying: “All-round entertainer Frank Sinatra is hoping to impress the judges with dishes from his Sicilian heritage.” Unfortunately, Celebrity MasterChef has no superstars, or even special guests that are particularly special, no matter how much the contestants ooh and aah when they arrive. It’s just got Zoe Ball, who swaggered into the kitchen on Wednesday with this show-stopping demand: “I want the celebrities to make me the ultimate pudding.” Then ask ITV to let you host another series of Soapstar Superstar. That’ll do the trick Unexpected morons in the bagging area THE Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “In the animal kingdom, what W is a winged insect that lives in a nest known as a vespiary?” Jowita Przystal: “Lion.” Romesh: “In UK geography, the cities of Colchester, Chelmsford and Southend-on-Sea are in which English county?” Ruby Bhogal: “Lancashire.” The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Which Scottish city is referred to as the oil capital of Europe?” Anthony: “Glasgow.” Oh, Anthony. WEASEL WOKERY OF BEEB BBC1’s Sunday Morning Live host Sean Fletcher asked the question ‘Is the media racist?’ Credit: BBC THE most cowardly and self-serving question of the week was asked by BBC1’s Sunday Morning Live host Sean Fletcher, prior to a pointless studio discussion about the Jason Arday scandal. “Is the media racist?” Short answer, no. Long answer, still no. The print media was, in fact, the only institution in this whole sorry saga that did its job properly. It wouldn’t have had to ask all those awkward questions, though, if Cambridge University hadn’t been so pathetically eager to believe Arday’s fantasies and the BBC wasn’t so smitten with his “DEI poster boy” credentials they featured him on 11 programmes and even got him to guest edit the Today show. An astonishing right-on indulgence which meant that when his fairytale did inevitably fall apart it was a global humiliation rather than a localised disaster. In the wake of such a personal tragedy, a responsible broadcaster would probably re-examine its own values and political culture. The BBC, though, is so lost to the cult of woke it knows that if it pulls at the Diversity Equity and Inclusion thread the entire corporation will quickly unravel. So instead, like many equally culpable left-wing pressure groups, all of Auntie’s dumbest and most brainwashed programmes will now try to dig it out of a hole by pointing the finger at the “evil press” who did nothing but tell the truth and hold a mirror up to an establishment which is destroying not just individuals but the entire country with its deranged woke obsessions. Expect an EastEnders storyline presently. CELEBRITY MasterChef, Giorgio Locatelli: “I want to see something that looks like a super Spotted Dick.” Then check out the old YouTube videos of Stephen Hendry on Pot Black. Random TV irritations THE Sky Planner automatically lumbering us with a colossal, hand-flailing slaphead signing for the deaf on Ludwig downloads. Channel 5 pixelating all the scumbags on Fare Dodgers At War With The Law. The conveniently dramatic ending to Celebrity Hunted. And Sunday Morning Live host Sean Fletcher claiming “My experience of newsrooms is that they’re not particularly diverse.” Which is quite an irony given that, in all its 16 years, Sunday Morning Live hasn’t employed so much as one white male host. TV gold BBC masterpiece Ludwig has returned with David Mitchell Credit: PA THE return of BBC1 masterpiece Ludwig, with the perfectly cast David Mitchell. BBC1’s Ann Droid, which always stayed just the right side of schmaltzy. Ray Gelato livening up The Voice: UK no end. And C5’s fantastically cheesy Benidorm Is Murder featuring increasingly rare cut-away shots of British people looking happy. The week’s best show by some distance, though, was The Murder Detective, Channel 4’s stunning examination of Lyra McKee’s senseless murder. A three-part documentary that should be watched by everyone, but especially those people who, either through naivety or evil intent, trot out the lazy cliche about Northern Ireland: “One man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter.” Because they’re not. They’re all just cowardly, pathetic terrorists. Great sporting insights JAY BOTHROYD: “Some of the players are square holes in round pegs.”Kris Boyd: “Mbeumo gets that shot away with his right hand foot.” And Warren Barton: “Don’t just be in the Premier League to enjoy it. You could soon be back in the Championship. So go out there and enjoy it.” (Compiled by Graham Wray) Lookalike of the week This week’s winner is Christopher Lloyd’s version of Uncle Fester in The Addams Family and Andy Gray Credit: Supplied Sent in by David Nolan, Birmingham. GREAT TV lies and delusions of the month. Celebrity Hunted, Ray Howard: “We are not going to be outwitted by Gloria Hunniford.” (Guess what?) Good Morning Britain, Kate Garraway: “John Partridge, we know you’re totally adorable and everyone loves you.” Celebrity MasterChef, Grace Dent: “Celebrities, that round was truly unforgettable.” And involved a chilli con carne, or a tagliatelle, or possibly Donna Preston’s beef kebab. Truth be told, I forget. TV mysteries of the month. Why has EastEnders’ Ian Beale forgotten he’s a trained boxer in prison? How come Channel 4’s Hunted team never catch anyone at night? Why does This Morning’s Nicola Thorp always look so impossibly pleased with herself? And what are the chances of the fourth series of ITV’s Trigger Point finally featuring some Islamist terrorists? ’Cos my guess is zero. Just round up the usual “far right” suspects, Lana. It’ll save time. MEANWHILE, at the European Gymnastics Championships, it’s BBC2’s Craig Heap: “Look at Aleksei Usachev’s length. You wouldn’t deduct much on that, would you, Christine? He can put a half turn in it as well.” If you ask him nicely, Christine. AS well as being the Camera Trainee on C5’s Benidorm Is Murder, television’s name of the week is also the best children’s TV spin-off you’ll never see. Pepa Prats.