After 25 Years, My Husband and I Finally Found a Way to Make Our Sex Life Work. There’s Just One Problem.

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Jacob Wackerhausen/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear How to Do It, Six months ago, my husband and I (25 years married) found a framework for our sex life that has allowed us to be, if not on the same page, then at least in the same story, sex-wise. I have come out as asexual, and he has realized that he has a special fetish (about which he previously has felt some shame). We have been able to follow the advice we found online and have certain interactions that are not sexual for me, but due to his fetish, very erotic for him. This is great, especially for him! We find one time per week for this non-sex sex, plus from time to time, I cuddle him while he masturbates. But there’s still one issue. In between, however, he talks a lot about sex, how attractive he finds me, how sexy it is if i do this or wear that, etc. I find this relentless focus on sex and on me disturbing and unsettling. I want to go about my business at home without having to relate to all this. I don’t want to wear certain things because he likes them and gets excited—except during our weekly session—and I don’t want to be praised if I happen to wear or do something he finds exciting or sexy. He feels he can’t be himself if he can’t talk about these things. He has agreed to try to control himself, but then he slips up and says them anyway. This goes for our non-sex sex sessions as well, by the way, where his “impulses” get the better of him and he does something that we have agreed he will not do (like “coincidentally” graze a body part). The conversations we have about this are very difficult and negative. I see that he is having more sex now than in the past many years, plus cuddling and attention and a general upswing in our relationship. He feels “constrained” and “jailed” (his words) and says I’m all boundaries and it’s so hard and he slips up because I have so many rules. He gets sad and depressed, and I feel that it is my fault even as I don’t know how we can proceed—or talk about these issues—without him feeling bad. He talks to a therapist but doesn’t want to go together. Can you help us with a perspective or angle that is more constructive? —Too Many Rules Dear TMR, More constructive seems to be exactly what you’re missing. I reached out to Aubri Lancaster, a sex educator with a focus on asexuality and aromanticism, and she says you two “seem to be focused on what he wants more of and what she wants less of, which is not uncommon when a sexuality like ace is defined by what we don’t want.” So the first thing to know is that you’re not alone. An important question is whether your husband gives you platonic intimacy or if your intimacy together always has a sexual feeling to it. One thing you can do is think about what you do want—what does intimacy look like for you, and how can he give that to you. I think some balance in that area will be helpful, and asking for things feels more positive than a list of what you don’t want. Lancaster also has thoughts on the difference between a boundary and a rule. She suggested a boundary is something an individual sets for themselves, and a rule is something set for other people. I don’t like your husband construing your boundaries—healthy, important limits we set to protect ourselves—as rules that limit him. You seem to want to stay in the relationship, so I’ll respect that, and suggest that you read her book recommendation Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab. You might mark passages that feel useful to share with your husband, and ideally he’d read it himself and share sections with you as well. You don’t mention a possibility of opening the relationship up, but even while remaining monogamous, your husband could talk to someone else—a trusted friend perhaps, or a support group—about his sexuality as an outlet to take some of the pressure off of you. He has a right to his desires, but he must find another outlet for them for your marriage to work. We’re still undoing the idea that everybody wants sex, and that sex needs to be a part of every long-term partnership. Your boundaries, no matter how much your husband resents and invades them, are valid. —Jessica Stoya From: My New Guy Won’t Do What I Actually Want During Sex. I Know a Real Man Would. (November 30th, 2021). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, My boyfriend and I have been together three-plus years. The sex has been and still is amazing. What’s impressed me most is that there’s been zero fluctuation in the frequency of our having sex. He’s able to keep up with my insatiable drive. Recently, in the past six months or so, I’ve began to notice that while having sex, I feel as though I’m going to have a bowel movement. It’s never actually happened, but the sudden feeling makes me flinch or abruptly stop intercourse. He feels like he’s doing something wrong, the mood changes, and it’s difficult for either of us to continue. I’ve tried different positions, and me on top of him seems to be the only position that either immediately causes the feeling or after a short time will bring it on. It happens less frequently in any other position. The only thing I can possibly attribute it to is that we used to have anal sex much more frequently than we do now. It seems like once we stopped including it in our regular “rotation,” the feeling has developed. We typically had anal two or three times out of the five or six times a week we’d have sex. That’s changed to once, if at all, each week. I would really like to figure out what’s causing this and if it’s something we’ll have to deal with forever. Was there some sort of damage or scarring done from frequent anal sex that’s permanent now? —Butt No! Dear Butt No!, It’s possible that you’ve done some damage. Your pre-anal routine might be the cause. “Many people overdouche—large volumes and/or doing it too many times—and use liquids that aren’t actually designed for anal douching,” says Dr. Evan Goldstein, an anal surgeon in New York City. “The anal and vaginal cavities are super thin, and they share a common wall. When you combine overdouching with anal and/or vaginal sex, there’s the possibility of making this shared wall even thinner.” It’s also possible that the position where you most strongly experience this feeling allows your boyfriend’s penis to put pressure on your body in a way that signals a need to defecate. “Vaginal penetration can strike a nerve—literally—by stimulating and triggering the bowel movement sensations that you mentioned,” Goldstein says. “Switching up the positions can place more (or less) strain on the system that reflexively triggers that unpleasant response.” You and your boyfriend might have a data-gathering session, taking note of which positions are most enjoyable for both of you and relying on those moving forward. I also think you should pay a visit to your primary physician—the doctor you would see for a regular checkup—and go from there. They might send you to a specialist. At some point you’ll have a physical exam, and you’ll be more likely to get some answers about what’s going on with your body. —J.S. From: I Ended a Mind-Blowing Affair. Now I No Longer Want to Have Sex With My Husband. (June 22nd, 2021). Dear How to Do It, I am a 40-year-old man married to a woman around the same age. We are very much in love. We have great sex, but it’s mostly vanilla with somewhat mild variations. I’m happy with it, and I’ve never cheated on her, and would never be willing to do that. I also know there is absolutely zero chance my wife would be willing to agree to make any changes to our understanding of monogamy, and I respect that. The problem is my fantasy life is getting progressively further and further out there. While temptation is there, I have no problem resisting the temptation, and it’s not intrusive to the rest of my life. When I was a teenager, my fantasies were pretty typical: beautiful women in French maid outfits, threeways, that sort of thing. Then, other things started making their way into the list, like BDSM, sex in public, things like that. When I was in my late 20s, I tried some of these things, and with few exceptions, I never actually enjoyed them (especially not BDSM), but I still fantasized about them anyway even after finding out I didn’t enjoy it. Now, my fantasies are even further out there: I find myself deeply drawn toward things I’m relatively confident I wouldn’t be into if I tried them, like being topped by a transwoman. If I masturbate, it’s almost always to either that, impregnation role play, barely legal dominatrixes, prostate massages from prostitutes, furries, vomit porn, or other things like that. I’m completely heterosexual. I have been with men twice—wasn’t into it at all, and we tried most stuff. I would never go outside the monogamous bounds of my marriage for any reason, but I have a stronger and stronger feeling like I’m missing out and that there are experiences I will never have, and that’s making me enjoy the relatively vanilla sex my wife and I have less. Sometimes, but not always, I find that I’m not in the mood unless I fantasize about those things. I am confident she would not be into any of these things, even as role play. Is this unhealthy, because it’s unwanted and I can’t seem to slow it down, or is it fine because it isn’t impacting any part of my life other than what I think about when I masturbate, and I’m not and never have been in any way tempted to cheat, commit crimes, or any other risky behavior to satisfy the fantasies? How do I avoid feeling like there are all these experiences I’ll never have? —In My Head Dear In My Head, I will answer your questions in order because I believe you deserve the same level of organization that you put forth. The first thing I’d like you to think about is just how “unwanted” these fantasies actually are. It sounds to me that when you are aroused, they are extremely wanted, but you have a sense of regret and/or shame after you orgasm. This is common—the disgust response tends to erode during states of sexual excitation. I don’t think you have anything to worry about regarding that incongruity. You may want to pick up Jesse Bering’s book Perv, which examines the disgust response thoroughly. I would say that you are fine. It’s OK to have a vivid fantasy life—it can be extremely useful, even. You suggest that your fantasies are becoming more necessary for your sexual activity, and you may be surprised to learn that many experts don’t regard this as a problem. A recent conversation I had for this column with psychologist Justin Lehmiller, who has written a book about sexual fantasies, explored the benefits of fantasizing—even when it involves scenarios that we would prefer not to think about in nonsexual contexts. Additionally, a 1995 review of literature on sexual fantasies in the Psychological Bulletin by psychologists Harold Leitenberg and Kris Henning found that research on the topic suggested that “more frequent fantasy contributes to greater sexual desire, orgasm during intercourse, greater arousability, fewer sexual problems, and perhaps greater sexual satisfaction in general.” Again, you’re fine! You’re so fine you’d make Jennifer Aniston jealous. How do you avoid feeling like there are experiences you’ll never have? You can try to build up your mind muscle via meditation to help manage your thoughts, but otherwise this is something you have to live with. You are actively choosing to stay with a woman that you reasonably assume has no interest in breaking your monogamous arrangement. You can’t have everything; this is your trade-off. Fantasies are as good as it’s going to get for you unless you want to break up your happy marriage. And it doesn’t seem like you want to, so you shouldn’t. This is the life you are choosing. Think about it positively, or choose a different path that will allow you to do that more easily. —Rich Juzwiak From: I Need a Particular Kind of Sex Just Twice a Year—but Women Can’t Seem to Stand It. (August 8th, 2021). More Sex Advice From Slate I’m a 46-year-old male, very happily married. This is a second marriage for both of us, and we are compatible in every way imaginable. We have a tremendous sex life. We’re both adventurous in bed and are into exploring new and different ways to experience pleasure. Because we were both sex-starved in our respective first marriages, we have chosen to make sex a priority in our lives. So we read a lot about sex and relationships, talk a lot about sex, and have a lot of sex. A while back, we started talking about a threesome, which is something I wanted to try since I was in my mid-20s. Brenda said she would, “Never say no to anything,” and if the opportunity presented itself, she could, “See herself getting into it.” However, in subsequent conversations, it became clear that she was not interested in having sex with another woman. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Sex