Your friend has committed sexual violence. What do you do now?

It’s hard to know what to do if you find out a friend has violently harmed another person (Picture: Getty Images) Imagine you’re told that your best friend has committed sexual assault. Do you confront them? Stand by them? Cut ties? Stay out of it altogether? When the person accused is someone you know and love, it can be incredibly difficult to reconcile the allegation with the person you care deeply about. They may have supported you through heartbreak, helped you move house or looked after your children, but the stark reality is that sexual violence is often much closer to home than many people realise. One in four women and one in 18 men in England and Wales experience rape or sexual assault after the age of 16. Six in seven rapes against women are committed by someone they know, and many offences are never reported to police. Ask Metro Use AI to go deeper into the stories you care about – powered by Metro and trusted publications. ‘Recognising that a friend has behaved – or may have behaved – abusively takes courage,’ Ciara Bergman, CEO of Rape Crisis England & Wales, tells Metro. ‘It can bring up a lot of different feelings. You might want to avoid conflict, make excuses for them, or hope someone else will step in.’ Why it’s so hard to believe Many perpetrators do not fit the stereotype people imagine. ‘They’re often charming and well-liked,’ explains psychotherapist Dr Skylar Collé, who treats both victims and perpetrators of sexual violence. She adds that many are also well-integrated into families, workplaces and friendship groups. ‘Most men who have committed acts that legally constitute sexual violence do not call it that. There’s this profound capacity for self-deception, for reframing, for minimising. They’ve constructed narratives that protect their self-image.’ In other words, perpetrators may convince themselves that what happened was simply ‘mixed signals’, a ‘drunken mistake’ or ‘not a big deal’, rather than acknowledging the harm caused. That disconnect can leave friends questioning not only the allegation, but themselves. Does this say something about my judgement? Did I miss warning signs? Many people who commit sexual violence do not fit the stereotype people imagine, says psychotherapist Dr Skylar Collé (Picture: Getty Images) As former Senior Crown Prosecutor Tricia O’Sullivan tells Metro, friends rarely see how someone behaves in intimate or sexual situations. ‘There is nothing that family members or friends would necessarily notice because they’re simply not in that context,’ she says. ‘It’s like saying someone can’t be a thief because they haven’t stolen everything they’ve ever come across.’ ‘Someone can have been genuinely kind to you and still have caused serious harm to somebody else’ Quote Quote Should you believe the allegation? Research consistently shows deliberately false reports of rape are uncommon, accounting for around 2-4% of cases. If someone discloses that your friend has committed sexual violence, experts say it’s important to take what they are saying seriously. That doesn’t mean you have to know exactly what to think. But it does mean resisting the instinct to dismiss the allegation simply because it doesn’t fit with your experience of the person and the discomfort you may feel with that. ‘Someone can have been genuinely kind to you and still have caused serious harm to somebody else,’ says Dr Collé. ‘Both of those things can be true.’ It’s also important not to judge what happened based on assumptions about how a survivor ‘should’ behave. Sexual violence often takes place in private, meaning there may not be witnesses or physical evidence. Some people may remain in contact with the person who harmed them, particularly while trying to process trauma or regain a sense of normality. What should you do? If you decide you believe the allegation, you are not obliged to maintain the friendship, nor do you have to confront your friend if doing so would feel unsafe or overwhelming. However, if you do choose to speak to them, Dr Collé advises against seeking an explanation that eases your discomfort. Instead, be honest about the harm caused and acknowledge that these actions have consequences: ‘I know what you did, and I’m not going to pretend otherwise.’ Bergman says friends can play an important role in challenging abusive behaviour. ‘When nobody says anything, it can start to look like it’s being accepted, even when people privately disagree,’ she explains. ‘Saying something helps make it clear that it’s not OK. ‘These are important conversations for friends to have with one another and challenging early could help prevent further harm and reinforce that respect and consent are everyone’s responsibility.’ Sexual violence is not always obvious, though. It can include pressuring someone into sexual activity, pushing their boundaries, targeting someone who is too intoxicated to consent, sharing intimate images without permission or making unwanted sexual comments or advances. Even if you haven’t witnessed anything yourself, it’s worth pushing back against concerning attitudes if they don’t sit right with you. Should you report them? In most circumstances, you are not legally required to report an allegation of sexual violence to police if someone confides in you. Different safeguarding obligations may apply where children or vulnerable people are involved. You might worry that you missed ‘warning signs’ – but that isn’t the case (Picture: Getty Images) Where possible, experts say decisions about reporting should remain with the person who experienced the harm. You can support them by helping them understand their options, whether that means reporting to police, contacting a local Rape Crisis service or seeking other specialist support. If they decide not to report but are comfortable with you making police aware yourself, O’Sullivan says this may still help create a record. While the authorities are unlikely to investigate without the survivor’s involvement, any information could become relevant if further allegations are made. Should you still be friends? Whether or not you choose to remain friends, you can still encourage them to take meaningful steps toward accountability. If it feels safe to do so, recommend that they seek professional help, such as therapy, and, where appropriate, to self-report to the authorities. Only you can decide whether to continue the friendship. However, O’Sullivan says it’s important to weigh your own safety. ‘For the purposes of keeping yourself safe [especially] as a woman, it’s not a good idea to ignore that [and remain friends].’ Learning that someone close to you may have committed sexual violence is deeply unsettling. But how you respond matters. ‘Where it’s safe to do so, letting your friend know that their behaviour isn’t OK could help stop the abuse and make sure the person they’ve harmed can get support,’ says Bergman. ‘It may be that your friend initially denies what happened or becomes defensive. But challenging harmful behaviour can help prevent further abuse – and make it clear that respect and consent are everyone’s responsibility.’ Visit Rape Crisis England and Wales for guidance on issues around sexual violence, or call their free 24/7 Support Line on 0808 500 222, or chat online at 247sexualabusesupport.org.uk. Arrow MORE: Wife found dead with husband in remote cottage ‘murder-suicide’ Arrow MORE: Streeting and Mahmood’s jokes about early release are an insult to victims like me Arrow MORE: ‘I helped my mum and sister escape our controlling dad – then he murdered them’