Your Expert-Backed Guide on Making Lesbian Strap-On Sex Hotter

If you’ve never had lesbian strap-on sex before, the whole thing can seem a little intimidating. There’s the harness. There’s the dildo. There’s the minor logistical challenge of suddenly having several extra inches attached to your body and figuring out what, exactly, you’re supposed to do with them. But strap-on sex doesn’t have to be nearly as complicated—or as serious—as it might look.And while we’re clearing things up, let’s get one very tired misconception out of the way: Lesbian strap-on sex is not about trying to recreate heterosexual sex. “Penetration doesn’t belong to heterosexuality, and wearing a strap doesn’t automatically assign someone a ‘male’ role,” says Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT, relationship therapist and sexologist.So, if you’re strap-on curious, where the hell do you start? Ahead, sex experts explain how to choose a strap-on, what to know before putting it on (or receiving it), and how to make your first time a whole lot easier—and hotter.What Is Lesbian Strap-On Sex?Strap-on sex typically involves one partner wearing a harness that holds a dildo in place so it can be used for hands-free penetration, explains Angie Rowntree, ABS, founder and filmmaker behind the sex-positive adult site Sssh.com. Depending on what feels good to you and your partner, that might mean vaginal or anal penetration.One quick terminology note: Strap-on sex and pegging aren’t necessarily the same thing. Pegging generally refers specifically to anal penetration with a strap-on, while strap-on sex is the broader term and can include vaginal or anal penetration between partners of any gender.But putting on a strap doesn’t mean penetration suddenly has to become the main event. Dr. Joy points out that strap-on play can also involve grinding, teasing, external stimulation, power exchange, fantasy, or incorporating oral and manual pleasure. Some couples make strap-ons a regular part of their sex lives; others occasionally bring one into the mix; and plenty never use them at all.There also aren’t predetermined “giver” and “receiver” roles attached to wearing one. The person in the harness doesn’t automatically have to be dominant or control the action, and the person being penetrated doesn’t have to be passive. Like basically everything else about sex, you get to decide what the hell you want it to look like.Why Do People Like Strap-On Sex?There are plenty of reasons someone might be into strap-on sex, starting with the obvious: Some people really like the feeling of penetration, and some people really like being the one providing it. For the receiver, a strap-on can offer sensations like pressure, fullness, and internal stimulation. But the pleasure isn’t necessarily one-sided just because only one person is being penetrated.For the wearer, giving pleasure can be a turn-on all by itself. Dr. Joy describes wearing a strap-on as “wielding a tool of pleasure,” and says there can be something deeply erotic about deliberately putting one on because you want to create a particular experience with your partner.Of course, what makes strap-on sex hot isn’t necessarily just the physical sensation. Depending on the people involved, strap-on sex can tap into power dynamics, gender expression, fantasy, intimacy, or simply the excitement of trying something completely new together. As Rowntree puts it, strap-on play can be “playful, sexy, empowering, gender-affirming, kinky, romantic—or all of those things at once.”How to Choose a Strap-OnFirst things first: Do not choose your inaugural strap-on based on which one looks the most impressive. “Choose it based on the experience you and your partner actually want to have,” says Dr. Joy. Think about how you plan to use it, what kinds of stimulation the receiver already enjoys, and, perhaps most importantly, whether the person wearing the thing can actually move around comfortably in it.For the harness, Rowntree says fit, comfort, and security should be your priorities. You want something snug enough to keep the dildo where you want it without digging into your body or constantly shifting around. When choosing the dildo itself, she recommends beginners start smaller and slimmer rather than immediately reaching for the biggest option available—roughly 4 to 6 inches of insertable length with moderate girth is a good starting point. Look for a harness-compatible dildo with a flared base made from a nonporous, body-safe material like platinum-cure silicone.From there, you can get pickier about what actually sounds hot to you. Dildos come in different shapes, firmness levels, colors, and styles, and some offer extras like vibration or stimulation for the wearer. The FemmeFunn Thruster Baller and Turbo Shaft 2.0, for example, both have harness-compatible suction bases. Dr. Joy also recommends thinking about how you want to feel while wearing your strap-on. Ideally, you should be able to put it on, look down, and think, “Yes, this feels like me.”Okay, so you’ve picked out a strap-on. Now comes the part where you actually have to figure out how to use the thing. And if your first attempt feels slightly less like a seamless sex scene and slightly more like learning to operate a new piece of equipment, you’re in good company.The biggest thing both experts stress is taking the pressure off. “You don’t have to become a superstar at wielding a penis you acquired twenty minutes ago!” says Dr. Joy. Give yourselves time to figure out what feels good, communicate as you go, and remember that nobody gets bonus points for looking like they knew exactly what they were doing on the first try. Here’s where to start:Talk About What You Want BeforehandBefore anyone straps anything anywhere, talk about what you actually want from the experience. Dr. Joy recommends discussing what each person is hoping to explore, what’s off-limits, how intense you want things to get, and what words or signals you’ll use for “slow down,” “change something,” and “stop.”This is also a good time to ditch any assumptions about who’s going to be in charge. Wearing the strap-on doesn’t automatically make someone dominant, just as receiving penetration doesn’t make someone passive. Figure out what dynamic actually turns you both on rather than defaulting to what you think strap-on sex is supposed to look like.Practice Wearing the Strap-On FirstBefore debuting your brand-new appendage with a partner, Rowntree recommends taking it for a solo test drive. Put the harness on, move around in it, try a few positions, and get a sense of how the dildo moves when you move your hips. As she points out, “suddenly acquiring several extra inches changes your spatial awareness rather dramatically.”It’s also a good opportunity to make any harness adjustments before you’re in the middle of sex. You want it secure enough that the dildo stays where you need it without being so tight that all you can think about is how badly you want to take the damn thing off.Take Your Time With PenetrationWhen you’re ready to bring penetration into the mix, do not treat getting the dildo inside as a mission you need to accomplish ASAP. Give the receiver plenty of time to get aroused, use plenty of lube, and start slowly. If you’re new to penetrating your partner altogether, Dr. Joy suggests using your fingers first to get familiar with the angles, pressure, and rhythms they enjoy before trying to navigate those same preferences with a strap-on.And if penetration hurts, stop. “Surrender should be an invitation into pleasure, not an agreement to endure,” says Dr. Joy. The receiver can ask for less depth, a different angle, more lube, more warm-up, or to stop altogether. You never need to power through painful sex.Keep Communicating as You GoCommunication is especially important when you’re wearing a strap-on because the dildo isn’t giving the wearer the same sensory feedback a body part would. In other words, you can’t necessarily feel exactly how deep you’re going or whether an angle that seems great from your end actually feels good to your partner.Rowntree recommends checking in about speed, angle, and depth as you go while also paying attention to things like your partner’s breathing, movement, and tension. And receivers, speak up about what you want. You can guide the wearer, move your own body, ask them to stay still while you control the motion, or change course completely. Good strap-on sex is collaborative, not a guessing game.Try a Beginner-Friendly PositionFor your first few attempts, both experts recommend positions that keep your bodies supported and make it easy to communicate. Having the receiver on top can be especially beginner-friendly because they can control the depth, angle, and pace themselves. The wearer can lie back, sit on the edge of the bed, or sit in a sturdy chair while the receiver straddles them.Face-to-face positions are another solid option, especially with a sex pillow or wedge supporting the receiver’s hips, since you can easily talk and read each other’s reactions. Or try spooning or another side-lying position if you want something slower and lower-intensity.And maybe save the standing acrobatics for later. Rowntree notes that positions like standing or doggy-style can look deceptively easy but may be harder when you’re still figuring out how to maneuver a strap-on. Once you’ve both got the mechanics down, you can start getting more adventurous.Strap-On Sex Safety and CleaningFirst up: lube, lube, and more lube. Both experts recommend using plenty during strap-on sex and reapplying as needed to reduce uncomfortable friction. Water-based lube is compatible with most toys and barriers, while silicone-based lube may not play nicely with certain silicone toys, so check the manufacturer’s instructions before pairing the two.You’ll also want to clean your dildo and harness after use according to their individual care instructions. Different materials require different cleaning methods, and Rowntree notes that even harnesses can vary quite a bit—some fabric styles may be machine-washable, while leather requires its own specific care.If you’re sharing the dildo between partners or using it for both anal and vaginal penetration, barriers are your friend. Put a new condom on the dildo when switching between partners or orifices, and clean the toy appropriately between uses. Most importantly, never take a toy directly from the anus to the vagina without changing the barrier and/or thoroughly cleaning it first. The only thing you want your strap-on transferring between locations is a good time.What If Strap-On Sex Feels Awkward?Honestly? It might! Your first time wearing a strap-on may involve some fumbling with the harness, a missed angle, an unexpected noise, or a moment where you both have to stop and laugh. Rowntree says it’s completely normal for a first attempt to be short, clumsy, or even end with, “Um, let’s try again another night.”Instead of judging the experience by whether everything went perfectly, Dr. Joy recommends talking about it afterward. What felt really good? What surprised you? Was there an angle you loved or something you’d want to change next time? As she puts it, great sex is often something partners learn together, not something either person is magically supposed to know how to do.And if you ultimately decide strap-on sex just isn’t your thing? Also fine. There’s no lesbian sex checklist you need to complete, and using a strap-on doesn’t make anyone more or less queer. Maybe it becomes your new favorite toy, maybe you pull it out once in a while, or maybe it ends up banished to the back of your sex-toy drawer. The only version of strap-on sex worth having is one you both actually want.