Worse than infidelity: Can money secrets destroy relationships?

Emily ChantriSeptember 2, 2026 — 5:00amCan money secrets destroy a relationship? For Simon* this was the case. The digital marketing manager of a travel agency, Simon said that it wasn’t about the money he gave his girlfriend but the lies that hurt the most.“I wouldn’t necessarily say money secrets are worse than infidelity but, depending on the amount of money involved, the extent of the secrecy and how long it has been kept from a partner, I think the breach of trust can be just as serious.”Victims feel they are financially betrayed and economically abused.Simon LetchSimon’s now ex-girlfriend Erica* had a substantial debt from a failed entrepreneurship she had with her business partner. Erica told Simon the business partner had scammed her, and all the debt from this failed business went to her.The problem was, she told Simon about this late in the relationship.“At the time I found it odd that, instead of wanting flowers or gifts, she asked me for money. It wasn’t a lot but little by little she was asking for more. She told me I could spoil her by giving her money; effectively I was paying into a small part of her debt.”Simon said he wasn’t mad about giving her money, and wonders whether the story of the scam was true.“I was mad about the lies, and if she had told me this from the beginning I wouldn’t have been mad at all. This had a huge impact on our relationship. She is my ex now.”One in four Aussies have money secretsA 2025 Finder survey of 1017 respondents, 591 of whom are in a relationship, found more than one in four, or 27 per cent, are secretly racking up debt, opening bank accounts and even gambling money – all without their partner’s knowledge.The research found one in 10 partners has secretly accumulated debt via a credit card or personal loan, while 9 per cent open bank accounts or credit cards in their name only.Strike at the coreCarmella Acciarito, principal lawyer of DFV Lawyers, said financial deception, abuse and secrets rupture, then destroy any intimate relationship and the chance of any possible reconciliation because they strike at the core of trust.‘I was mad about the lies, and if she had told me this from the beginning I wouldn’t have been mad at all.’Victims feel they are financially betrayed and economically abused.“Financial abuse, such as secrets in change of passwords, change of bank contact details, debts or secret accounts, create the same emotions of infidelity – shock, humiliation and a collapse of trust and connection – leading to relationship disintegrations.”Further, she adds, when a partner conceals financial misbehaviour they are not just hiding money for their own personal greed but a way out.“They’re hiding the reality soon of a future divorce. And once that veil is lifted, the relationship cannot be repaired and [is] often impossible to return to what it was.”Protect yourselfAcciarito’s advice is always to protect yourself and prepare yourself for that “rainy day” and have a separate bank account.Importantly, know the details of your combined accounts, accounting documents and legal documents.“Have copies and make sure you secure your account with a two-way factorisation, obtain copies of all financial records including tax returns, check your credit file, and get credit checks about any existing liabilities. Be financially literate, not impaired,” she says.“Many people don’t realise they can be responsible for debt incurred in their name, even if they didn’t know about it. In coercive controlled relationships often, a partner may feel pressured to ‘sign here’, not fulling knowing the context.”She provides an example with a client.Recently, the client discovered her husband shifted nearly $800,000 from their combined business account while she recovered from a procedure. The client was locked out of all business accounts, passwords were changed, bank details were changed.The husband had been quietly withdrawing amounts of $100,000 from their joint account over a month, then he informed their accountant to change the directorship of their business into his name.“Our client’s devastation mirrored what I see in clients who uncover romance cheating: the betrayal was not the money; it was the deception.”Finally, she adds that financial abuse destroys relationships because it undermines trust, autonomy and financial safety, and in many cases its impact is every bit as damaging as infidelity.*Names have been changed to protect individual’s privacy.Emily Chantiri is a Sydney journalist, bestselling author and regular contributor to Business, Money and Career sections.Advice given in this article is general in nature and is not intended to influence readers’ decisions about investing or financial products. They should always seek their own professional advice that takes into account their own personal circumstances before making any financial decisions.Expert tips on how to save, invest and make the most of your money delivered to your inbox every Sunday. Sign up for our Real Money newsletter.More:Money & relationshipsMoney psychologyHousehold debtFrom our partners