Woman’s Boyfriend Took A First Class Upgrade And Left Her In Coach—Says A “Real Man” Would Have Swapped

A woman says her boyfriend’s first class upgrade was “the beginning of the end” of their relationship. He took the better seat, left her in coach, and waved back while enjoying a beer. She says a “real man” would’ve given her the upgrade. I think he should have offered. But she should have then declined it: why shouldn’t she care enough about him to want him to have it, too? Madeleine McAdam says she and her now-ex were flying to visit his family. He traveled frequently for work and had airline status, while she didn’t. His upgrade cleared. She expected him to suggest switching seats but he didn’t. She says they were the same height and if anything her legs are longer. He settled into the better seat, had a beer, made friends with his seatmate, and kept looking back and waving. “Not my husband. Not my husband. My husband would force me to sit in that first class seat.” She didn’t ask her boyfriend for the seat. Her complaint is that he didn’t offer it in the first place. Her rule is: “It’s not about the seat. It’s not about the seat. It’s the principle. A real man is going to switch with you.” @madeleinemcadam a hill I will d*e on ♬ original sound – Madeleine McAdam I understand wanting your partner to think of you first. They’re on a trip to see his family. He gets upgrades regularly. Offering her a treat she doesn’t usually get would’ve been thoughtful. “My status, my seat” isn’t generous. But her test only runs in one direction. If caring about your partner means wanting them to have the better seat, that applies to her as well. If she loves him shouldn’t she want him to fly in first class, too? I’ve been writing about this for years. When an airline offers one upgrade, someone should take it. First class is better than coach! There’s no reason to wish coach on your partner when one of you can have more room. You’ll spend time together at the destination. You can read, work, watch a movie or sleep in different rows for a few hours without it becoming a referendum on the relationship. If you both actually prefer sitting together, fine, but “I can’t have the better seat, so you shouldn’t either” is a lousy reason to turn it down. And I’ve made the same argument when the woman gets upgraded and the husband stays behind. He should be happy for her, too. It’s the Gift of the Magi problem – each person wants the other to have something nice, even at a cost to themselves. He offers her the seat. She tells him to enjoy it. They’re each trying to give the other the upgrade. She doesn’t have to decline a sincere offer, since he might get more pleasure out of treating her than he would out of the seat himself. Saying “thank you” and accepting is fine. The problem is treating his sacrifice as mandatory, while assuming hers would be absurd. On an Austin–Las Vegas trip with my wife and daughter, I confirmed upgrades for the two of them when two seats were available. My own upgrade never cleared. They sat up front and I sat in an exit row in coach with an empty middle seat. I was fine! On the return we were all up front, and my daughter wanted me to sit with her since my wife had done so on the outbound. A honeymoon is different, I get that. My wife and I were separated in first class on the final leg home of ours by an air marshal, and much of the cabin was made up of a member of the House Republican leadership and her entourage who didn’t want to move. For the ordinary one-upgrade situation, offer it. Mean the offer. Consider who needs the space or rest, who rarely gets to sit up front, or whose turn it is. Agree before boarding if this comes up regularly. If you’re going to make a relationship test out of an airline upgrade, you’re actually revealing important information not only about what you expect but who you are. Topics on this page