Why the Worst Relationship You Know of Wants to Be Validated

Everything I have learned about Kristen Bell and her husband Dax Shepard’s relationship has been against my will. Now Kristen—as an individual—I love. Veronica Mars? Frozen? Nobody Wants This? The OG Gossip Girl? Iconic all around. But as soon as she starts talking about her relationship with her husband, I tune her out for my own mental health. And I promise it’s not because I’m a hater. It’s because every time she speaks about her relationship, it reminds me of everything I don’t want out of my love life. Nobody wants this, Kristen.During the press tour for the latest season of Nobody Wants This, Kristen opened up about how Dax “flirts with her.” It’s not through giving her a certain look or complimenting her—no, it’s when he compliments someone else in front of her. What?“We’ll be at dinner and like he’ll say to the waiter or waitress, he’ll go, ‘Wow, you have incredible eyelashes, gorgeous eyes. Great, great job,’” Kristen said on Dax’s Armchair Expert podcast (yes, he is a man with a podcast—another red flag).For some people, watching their partner flirt with others in front of them is a turn on—typically one that should be discussed beforehand. But this is not the first time Kristen has said something about her relationship that’s raised some eyebrows—which makes this fact feel less like a shared sexual kink and more like Kristen being brainwashed into thinking her husband is doing something sweet when he’s really just being disrespectful.In the past, Dax has publicly admitted that he didn’t initially want to marry Kristen, Kristen has said she uses her daughter to spy on Dax while she’s away, and in her latest anniversary Instagram post, Kristen told the internet that Dax made a joke about not killing her. The Instagram caption said, “Happy 12th wedding anniversary to the man who, after an episode of Dateline, once said to me: ‘I would never kill you. A lot of men have killed their wives at a certain point. Even though I’m heavily incentivized to kill you, I never would.’”I’m sure Kristen is aware of how the internet views her relationship. She limits comments on certain Instagram posts (like the anniversary one), and yet continues to overshare with details that no one wants to hear. And she’s not the only one.Social media is filled with people (usually women) who will post something about their partner using weaponized incompetence, being legitimately stupid, or even just very obviously cruel, and play it off as a joke or even a lovable quirk. Then, they’ll get shocked when the post goes viral and suddenly hundreds of strangers on the internet are telling them to break up with or even divorce them. Of course, they don’t. And yet, they continue to share things about their partner—and it makes me (and seemingly, the rest of the internet as well) want to rip their hair out.Scroll through the comments on these videos and you’ll even start to feel preemptive apathy from people, like, “Girl, if you’re not going to get a divorce, don’t tell us about it.”I’m not going to pretend like I know the intimate details about Kristen and Dax’s relationship (and trust me, I don’t want to), but from what they have chosen to put in the public eye, it’s hard to understand why they keep on doing this despite the backlash they get.Relationship therapists and experts have some thoughts.“Sharing a difficult relationship moment and making it funny might help people process it without facing how much pain they actually carry around that event,” Chloë Bean, LMFT tells Cosmopolitan. “Humor can be used to minimize serious issues...”Claudia Johnson—LMFT and certified sex and relationship therapist—adds that sometimes couples who have been through a lot of hardship feel like they need to turn these trials and tribulations into proof of love.“When someone has invested years of emotional energy into a relationship, framing those struggles as meaningful can help them make sense of what they've experienced,” she says.And sometimes when they do this, they might even be confusing their emotional endurance with relationship success. “Longevity is often celebrated as the ultimate measure of a successful relationship,” Johnson says. “But staying together and having a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship aren't necessarily the same thing.”She adds that people who do this may even be attempting to seek validation through public disclosure. They think they’re connecting with others, showing how authentic they are, or just being goofy. They’re turning to the public expecting acclaim for whatever the latest story is. Or maybe, even other people with partners who may relate. I’m here to say this is not what’s happening. But when you tell a couple like Kristen and Dax this, they typically double down.“When someone's relationship becomes central to their identity or public narrative, criticism may feel like an attack on their judgment, their partner, or the life they've built,” Johnson says. “Defending the relationship can become a way of defending themselves, particularly when they've already shared that story publicly.”I think it’s important to add that people should share the awful things their partners do. This way, other people can tell them that their partners are awful and they can take actions to repair their relationship or—better yet—end it. I’m not trying to normalize people in shitty relationships isolating with the shitty person. But as much as I’d love to save Kristen from whatever fresh gaslighting hell Dax has inflicted on her, she hears the criticism and chooses to not only stay in the relationship but also share more about it.Realistically, I don’t think that anyone is going to take the internet’s opinion on whether or not they should stay in their relationship. At the end of the day, we’re all strangers who don’t know the inner workings of their connection. And perhaps, to Kristen, she is in a happy, loving relationship where she is supported and loved. To that, I say, I’m happy for you Kristen. Just please stop telling us about it.