Why Is It So Hard to Call Out Your Buddy?

Getty7 min readI joined three men for drinks recently, two of whom I am close with, one a casual acquaintance. A couple of hours into the evening, once our French fries were soggy and the Modelos had done their work, the acquaintance told us about an argument he had with his girlfriend a few months back. It got physical, he said, leaning back in his chair. The fight ended with her in the hospital. He told the story like a man pleading his case before a jury, his eyes full of defiance and indignation but also fear. He rejected responsibility for her injuries and was desperate to be told he had done nothing wrong.“There is just a lot of passion in our relationship,” he said. “If it was a big deal, she would have left me then.”I watched him across the dark wooden table, my face as blank as I could manage. He looked to the other men as he spoke. I do not remember all of his excuses, only that they tumbled from his lips like a flood. I do remember that my two friends said nothing.I know these two as good men. They are courageous and righteous in their hearts. Both would come running to stop an injustice. Neither abides a bully or petty authority. They have rescued adults from floods and picked up teenage daughters too afraid to drive home. But that night, faced with a buddy looking for forgiveness for something unforgivable over a beer, they could not muster a weak rebuke.Later, I asked them why. Neither had a clear answer, both seeming troubled by their silence.“If he had said all that about his dog instead of his girlfriend,” I told them, “I know you would have spoken up.”They would have, they agreed. Immediately. Forcefully. Without hesitation.These men do not value women less than dogs (though, in my opinion, valuing dogs very highly is a sign of good character). Yet they do not know why they missed this opportunity for bravery.That decision is more significant than it seems in the moment. It is the kind of behavior that, at its extreme, can lead to situations such as the sexual assault scandal at Cornell University. What makes that case so chilling is not just what Jane Doe alleges seven men did to her. It is that the story came with a glimpse into the fraternity’s culture through their group chats. There, we witnessed these men offer up Jane Doe like a party favor. And no one—not a single one of these promising young men at this Ivy League university who pledged this fraternity—had either the inclination or the courage to speak up against it.This kind of behavior is a symptom of what is termed “precarious manhood” by social psychologists and researchers like me. And it’s not only harmful to women but to men, too.Precarious manhood does not mean that men themselves are fragile. Rather, that their social status as a “real man” is.Manhood is precarious in a way womanhood is not. Womanhood is seen as a natural process; it is biological. A girl develops physically and is deemed “a woman.” She may behave in myriad ways that are not considered feminine, but rarely is she declared “not a real woman.” Masculinity, on the other hand, is hard won yet easily lost. It is constructed and conditional. Men have to prove it over and over through acts and attitudes—get strong, fight back, run fast, dominate—not through biology.As President Barack Obama said in 2021 on the “Renegades” podcast, “So much of popular culture tells [young men] that the only clear defining thing about being a man, being masculine, is you excel in sports and sexual conquest and violence.”As boys learn early, the smallest transgression—cross your legs the wrong way, walk with the wrong gait, or cry in public—can lead to an accusation that you are “not a real man” or “girly.” To be weak and harmless is bad; to be womanlike is even worse. Even the insults used to humiliate men—you know the ones—are often descriptions that liken them to women.Whenever another man behaves out of line, make it muscle memory to say, “What the fuck?”When men try to prove that they fit into this standard of masculinity, other men are expected to acknowledge it. When you object to that performance, it is a challenge to the other man's behavior and, importantly, to his masculinity. That makes the objection more aggressive. It’s no longer just peer pressure trying to get you to go along with the group. Refusing to join in is a masculine threat. It signals that you are not fully aligned on the manly ideal, which means your own manhood can be questioned.To measure the prevalence of precarious manhood, researchers have asked tens of thousands of men around the world to take a survey that, on a seven-point scale, asks how much they agree with statements like the following:“The title of ‘manhood’ needs to be reserved for those who deserve it.”“A man needs to prove his masculinity.”“A male’s status as a real man sometimes depends on how other people view him.”Countries that exhibit higher levels of precarious manhood are less happy, with lower life expectancy, gross domestic product, institutional trust, and social support. Men in these countries engage in riskier behavior and have higher rates of risk-related health problems, like cirrhosis of the liver and early death. Women, of course, also suffer. Heightened prevalence of precarious manhood predicts higher rates of violence against women, including sexual assault and domestic violence, as well as fewer legal protections for them.The U.S. falls around the middle.The link between violence and misogyny can be seen clearly among those insecure in their manhood. Take the incel community as an extreme example. This dark corner of the manosphere is occupied by men who have trouble with women and blame them for their failures. Since these men are not sexually successful, and they see that as a challenge to their manhood, they ramp up their misogyny and violence. Incels have committed dozens of violent crimes, including mass shootings, to express their rage.In 2025, I wrote about one self-described incel, who spent hours filming himself sexually harassing women in public and posting the videos online. Eventually, when the women rejected him, he pepper sprayed them. The videos were wildly popular on incel discussion boards, and the perpetrator was considered a hero among them. His misogyny and violence helped increase his social standing.Research has revealed how distressingly deep misogyny is entrenched in these perceptions of masculinity. In one study, men were confronted about either racist or sexist remarks. When they were challenged about racism, they tended to be apologetic. When they were confronted about sexism, they were amused. This tells us that, on average, these men see misogyny as not worth correcting.Precarious manhood does not mean that men themselves are fragile. Rather, that their social status as a “real man” is.When women confronted men about sexist comments, the men tended to think the women were overreacting. When they were confronted by other men, however, they took the corrections more seriously. Because participants tended to be generally less concerned about sexist remarks, the researchers mused that men may be less likely to intervene, believing it wouldn't make a difference. That, in turn, creates a culture of passive acceptance.If men have the strength to stand up, though, research also shows that it makes a difference. When people are confronted about biased statements, they are more likely to change their behavior going forward. Further research has shown that group norms can influence and explain men's misogynistic behavior. When men are with other men who are less tolerant of sexism, even if they have just met, the group is less likely to use sexist behavior as a way to prove their masculinity. But when men are in a group where sexist behavior is common, they are more likely to sexually objectify and disrespect women. They do this explicitly to gain social status—exactly as precarious manhood would suggest. These same men are also less likely to step in and help a woman who is in a sexually uncomfortable situation, like what we've seen with the Cornell case.There is a better model for masculinity. “Expansive masculinity” describes a vision of manhood that values flexibility as a strength, leadership through connection and empathy, and the bravery in vulnerability. This model rejects that masculinity must be earned through dominance or proved constantly. It allows men to define themselves by their values and relationships rather than by their conformity to a narrow standard.Such a model shifts masculinity from something that is externally validated to something embodied in personal integrity. It finds strength not in stoicism and domination, but in the capacity for empathy, understanding, and connection with others. When other men behave badly, expansive masculinity calls for men to object, to stand up for their personal values, and to protect their communities.My two friends have taken steps toward expansive masculinity. One of them was approached by a colleague who was accused of sexually harassing women at work. Like our acquaintance at the bar, that colleague was brimming with excuses and confrontation, looking for absolution. He wanted my friend to tell him it was okay, or to tell him the women overreacted.Instead, my friend told him: “You have made serious mistakes in the way you treat young women.” The colleague argued, but my friend held firm. “It’s more than one incident,” he said. “And just one is unacceptable.”Meanwhile, my other friend came up with a simple practice: Whenever another man behaves out of line, make it muscle memory to say, “What the fuck?”When bad behavior spreads in barrooms and chat rooms and locker rooms, it infects boys and young men. Promoting a healthier side of masculinity, one that sees care, protection, empathy, and vulnerability as strong character traits, and misogyny as unacceptable, offers an alternative path. That leadership, strength of conviction, and commitment to others is ultimately what makes someone a good man.