When Does Flirting Become 'Microcheating'?

We often think of cheating as this big act of infidelity that involves sex with someone that isn’t your partner. But sometimes, even things that don’t feel like that big of a deal—liking someone’s Instagram posts consistently, sending a flirty text and then deleting the message off your phone, getting a phone number while you’re out—can break trust between a couple. This is because betrayal and infidelity can only really be defined by two people in a relationship. And sometimes, your partner would call what you’re doing secretly “microcheating.”Therapist Debra Feinberg, LCSW explains that microcheating consists of “small, often secretive behaviors that cross an emotional line without being a full affair.” Depending on the couple, this can look like anything.“There is no universal definition and no checklist of behaviors that automatically tell you someone is cheating and what to do next,” clinical psychologist Dr. Paulette Didia tells Cosmopolitan.Microcheating can lead to difficult discussions and sometimes even a breakup. It essentially becomes up to you and your partner to figure out what boundaries exist in the relationship, what loyalty looks like to you, and how you move forward (or don’t) when trust is broken—no matter what the scale.Being Flirty vs. MicrocheatingFlirting is fun! Exchanging a hot glance with a stranger or acting coy with a coworker—fun, fun, fun. But there’s a point where—if you’re in a relationship—flirting can cross the line into a form of microcheating. And oftentimes, you’re very aware of where that line is.“The line isn’t the act, it’s secrecy and impact,” therapist and matchmaker Kristen Anthis says. “A useful test is whether you’d do it if your partner were watching, and whether it’s moving emotional energy out of the relationship.”You may not think what you’re doing is a big deal, but if you know that it’s something your partner would feel betrayed by, that’s a pretty good indicator that they might consider it microcheating. Regardless, the best thing to do is to have a conversation about what you and your partner expect of each other when it comes to interacting with people outside of your relationship.How to Talk About MicrocheatingLicensed Marriage and Family Therapist Cheryl Groskopf explains that couples often face roadblocks around discussions of infidelity because they just assume that “loyalty” means the same thing to them as it does to their partner. The reality is that we’re all very different and think differently about what cheating is.“Maybe you grew up watching your dad flirt with every waitress while your mom laughed it off, so to you flirting is just being friendly,” she says. “But your partner grew up watching a parent have an affair, so those same interactions feel threatening.”This is why talking about what “respect” looks like in the relationship is important, even if you swear it’s obvious—because the reality is that it’s not.Anthis suggests making the boundaries you draw specific and mutual—not guesses. What does microcheating look like to each of you? Now, what your partner thinks is microcheating will likely look a little (or a lot) different from your definition. You might personally think liking certain photos of other people is harmless. But once you hear your partner out and why they feel disrespected, what do you gain by continuing the action? If it really won’t affect your life and it will make your partner feel secure, there is a simple solution there.But sometimes, the request may not be reasonable at all. Your partner may think texting a friend or interacting with someone outside of the relationship is totally unacceptable. It’s fair to disagree with this. A situation like this is when you should aim to understand whether you and your partner can see eye to eye or not.“I think people get so focused on what their partner should or shouldn't be allowed to do that they forget to ask themselves what they actually need in a relationship,” Groskopf says. Maybe you're perfectly comfortable with certain interactions but draw the line somewhere else. The key is to just say it straightforward and address what feelings come up for both of you.“Your partner still gets to make their own choices, and you get to decide whether those choices work for the kind of relationship you want.”Sometimes you’ll find you can move forward—and other times you’ll learn that you and your partner aren’t really compatible.Life After MicrocheatingThe “micro” in microcheating doesn’t necessarily mean that you can just easily move on once a betrayal has taken place. Like with anything important in a relationship, it’s going to take a lot of communication.If you feel like your partner’s actions reflect microcheating, Groskopf suggests understanding the behaviors before jumping into accusations. “Are they enjoying being desired? Are they sharing things with this person that they're having trouble sharing with you?” she asks.“I think it's just as important to talk about what that behavior brought up for the hurt partner because sometimes it's activating something much deeper around trust, rejection, or feeling replaceable.”When the person microcheating approaches the conversation with curiosity about their own behavior instead of jumping to just defend themselves, repair is definitely possible. As long as they understand how their behavior affected their partner and how to change it, the relationship can move forward with trust and respect.“I'd pay very close attention to how someone responds when you tell them they've hurt you,” Groskopf says. A healthy relationship is one where both people take responsibility for their actions—and especially how they affect the other person. But if there is a pattern of disregard and disrespect, that might be an indicator that the microcheating is just the beginning of your problems.Don’t let the name fool you: Nothing about “micro” cheating is small or irrelevant. Even the most seemingly harmless acts can cause huge rifts in a relationship. And at the end of the day “cheating” is still part of an equation—and no relationship where someone is betraying the other is in a good place. So you can either discuss (and uphold) boundaries, or watch your microcheating become a major problem.