What your child actually needs from you during exam season

Is a young person in your life facing exams at the moment? It can be a really tough time not just for them, but for the whole family. It isn’t always a sprint, but rather a marathon, with some exams going on for up to seven weeks in total. There is a huge amount of pressure on young people with worries about results and further opportunities, on top of a background of news headlines that highlight challenges around job prospects, housing and the sustainability of certain careers with AI looming. A little bit of stress is no bad thing, when kept in check; physiologically, cortisol and adrenaline can motivate us, make us more focused and perform better. However, when it gets out of balance, exam stress can cause anxiety and overwhelm, resulting in an inability to perform. It can cause problems sleeping, changes in appetite, withdrawing from being social or being irritable in mood. Difficulty in concentrating, fatigue, avoiding revising or conversely becoming obsessive about work can all be the result of worrying. The bottom line, is that unless we support the young people in our lives who are facing exam stress, their mental, physical and emotional wellbeing are at risk. With some exams having already started, you and that young person facing that exam may be tempted to think that what will be will be, and that it is too late to do anything materially to change the outcome. But you would both be wrong. It is never too late. So, even if things have been left late, what can you as a parent or carer do for that young person in your life during this period? Exams can be a lot of pressure for teens but it’s never too late to try and change the outcome (Photo: Maskot/Getty/Maskot) The night before the exam You need to find balance as a parent or carer of supporting the young person in your life in a positive and helpful way, versus being a helicopter parent. Let them direct you as to what they need support with – that might be working out their timetable, what to do with those four to five hours before they sleep, which areas of the exam they feel comfortable with and what they are worried about. Is it a particular format of the exam, such as a spoken language exam or listening? Can you talk them through strategies of how best to work through that specific worry, or how to handle the exam paper – will they do the questions they can do first and come back to others, for example? Be calm in your approach, make sure you don’t make any judgements about how much they have worked or what you think they “should” have done, and get practical in helping them get any equipment they might need ready so they feel prepared when they wake up. Finally, make sure you encourage them to stop working a few hours before they sleep, get out for some fresh air or a walk, and try to do something that is relaxing. Encourage them to have some space away from their phones and devices so they don’t engage with any perceived “scary” chat or gossip about who has worked hard, who hasn’t and what the exam paper might contain. A good night’s sleep is one of the most vital things they can get before they face an exam the next day. The morning of the exam Make sure when you wake up that you manage your emotions; as a parent or carer, we often don’t realise that we are stressed ourselves. Wake up a bit earlier so you are not in a rush. If you can go for a short walk, sort out your diary or schedule at work so you feel more in control before you project any worries onto your child or teenager. Be calm, encourage them to have a good breakfast and help them to be in good time for arriving at school. It may be worth talking through with them which one of their friends they will stand with or chat to before going into the exam hall, and help them identify who will make them feel the calmest. You could even practise some calming breathing exercises, such as box breathing, or belly breathing. They may also find some grounding exercises useful, such as the 54321 technique (five things they can see, four things they can feel, three things they can hear, two things they can smell and one thing they can taste) as a way to bring them into the present moment and stop their mind spinning into worries.Sometimes even a simple affirmation or statement they can repeat if they panic during the exam can be helpful, such as: “I am doing my best, that is all I can do and that is more than enough.” Remind them you are proud of them, no matter what – that whatever grade they get, there are always opportunities and ways around problems, and that in the grand scheme of things, these exams are important but not the end of the world. Let them know you are always on the end of a phone if they need you. Talk through how the exams went but be sure to check your own nerves so you’re not projecting (Photo: Abstract Aerial Art/Getty/Digital Vision) The evening after the exam Make sure you clear some space in your schedule to allow them to decompress afterwards. They will likely want to compare notes with their friends, but letting them be truly honest with you about their feelings about how it went, what they are worried about, and how they think they have done, is so important. Talk it through, but try not to allow that experience and that one exam frame the rest of the exams moving forward; remind them that every exam matters, so not to give up on the other ones purely because they never know how they have done until it is over. Congratulate them on getting through it, allow them to have a bit of rest and to relax, and then try to support them on focusing their minds on the next one. Talk to them throughout about how they will celebrate after they are all over, and the things they have to look forward to over the summer to help them stay motivated right until the end of the exam season.