What, Exactly, Is a Yellow Flag in Dating?

A partner who respects your boundaries gets an automatic green flag. A partner who’s rude to waitstaff? That’s a red flag. But what about a partner who isn’t interested in your hobbies, wants to hang out all the time, or takes forever to text you back? It sounds like you’ve found the ever-so-confusing yellow flag.Just as a stoplight suggests, when yellow flags arise, you need to take a beat and stop before proceeding. Yellow flags are not a neutral in-between like a beige flag, but more so, when certain traits and behaviors of your partner give you the ick, but you can’t quite put your finger on whether it’s simply a character flaw or a subtle warning sign. Basically, a yellow flag is a concern, but not always an end all-be all.“Yellow flags are the behaviors that make you pause. They're not necessarily dealbreakers, but they raise questions that deserve a little more attention before you rush into a relationship,” says Michael Kaye, Head of Communications & Narratives at Match Group’s E&E brands.Since yellow flags are so often misleading and confusing, we asked the experts for a little cheat sheet to guide us through the most common scenarios in spotting them.How to Spot a Yellow Flag, According to Experts:Listen to how they talk about their past partners.Listening to your partner talk about their other partners was once considered taboo, but it can be a telling sign in how they respond to conflict and disagreement. Are all of their exes “crazy,” or do they accept some form of responsibility?“One of the biggest yellow flags is speaking poorly of a past relationship,” says Jenny Hart, a matchmaker and dating coach. “While we weren't there and don't know the full story of what happened, it's a warning sign of how they will speak of you, should your relationship not work out.”That’s not to say you and your partner should write off discussing past relationships entirely. Instead, observe the tone and context in which your partner speaks of their exes.“A yellow flag would be someone blaming their past partners for a breakup without sharing or acknowledging their own part in the relationship,” says Jess Dopheide, licensed mental health counselor, and owner of Blue Moon Counseling. “A green flag could look like the individual discussing how the past relationship ended placing accountability on both parties.”Look out for inconsistent communication.I’m a fast texter. My friends joke that they always know it’s me when I’m texting because their phone buzzes about 30 times in a row within the span of seconds. That’s not to say I would never date someone who sends minutes-long voice recordings or only date people who send a series of impulsive texts. But I’m not sure I could never get down with a “K” type of response from a partner, and there’s a good chance a “K” type of responder would find my style annoying. Would our differentiating texting styles really be an ultimate dealbreaker?“The person who only texts twice a day may not be emotionally unavailable. They may simply hate living on their phone,” Laurel House, a relationship expert at eHarmony says. Instead of looking at the frequency of texts, she tells me a yellow flag is when someone “has a very different communication style than you do, or moves faster or slower than your comfort level.”What matters, perhaps most, is keeping a consistent communication style, and committing to the bit.“Maybe someone is incredibly responsive one week and then disappears for days without explanation the next,” says Kaye. “[This doesn’t] automatically mean the relationship won't work, but it invites a deeper conversation to understand whether you're truly compatible.”Add Cosmopolitan as a preferred source in your Google search results.Use your Google account to add this to your settings.Inconsistent communication doesn’t just show up in texting, either. ”A yellow flag is someone canceling a date because work exploded. A red flag is someone repeatedly canceling, offering no effort to reschedule, and expecting you to simply wait around,” says House.Kaye adds on, “If someone tells you they definitely want children but keeps making comments suggesting they're not actually sure, that's worth exploring.”Listen to your friends and look at their other platonic relationships for clues.“All of my girlfriends roll their eyes, and tell me to take it slow this time,” Olivia Rodrigo sings in the pre-chorus of her song “u + me = <3.” And really, is there anything more relatable? It’s so annoying when our friends tell us they know what’s best for us despite our protests, but as we know from how her new album You Seem Pretty Sad for a Girl So in Love ends, it sounds like they might’ve been onto something.“Sometimes the people outside the relationship can spot unhealthy patterns more clearly than the person in it,” Kaye weighs in.If you find yourself complaining over the same problems, or if, like Olivia, your friends are constantly rolling their eyes, it’s probably worth evaluating those cyclic concerns. But it’s not just your friends you have to consider—it’s your partner’s friends, too. While you don’t have to become besties with their besties, how their friends treat you (and how your partner reacts, if it’s not up to par) are telling signs.In some cases, your partner might not have a lot of long-term friendships or a tight-knit community. While many would automatically write this off as a red flag, sometimes, there’s a lot more context underneath.“I've worked with clients who did not grow up with strong ties to others in youth or in adulthood because of factors like geography, culture and religion, socio-economic differences with their peers, and their careers,” Sophie Kaemmerlé, founder, matchmaker, and dating coach at Toi & Moi Matchmaking tells us.The Difference Between Beige and Yellow FlagsThere’s another “in-between” colored flag to look out for that might also give you the ick from time to time: the beige flag. All of our experts across the board agreed that beige flags are simply quirks.“Maybe your partner alphabetizes their spice rack, has a very niche hobby, or always orders the exact same thing at every restaurant. Those traits might be funny, endearing, or mildly annoying, but they don't usually affect the health of the relationship,” Kaye says. “Yellow flags are different because they have the potential to become bigger issues if they're ignored.”Kaemmerlé weighs in with a pop culture point of reference: “A great example of a beige flag is Sex and the City's Harry Goldenblatt leaving used tea bags all over Charlotte's house—maybe a little annoying, a little gross, but overall harmless,” she says.The Difference Between Yellow and Red FlagsWhen all else fails, you’ll want to, at the very least, know how to recognize a red flag hiding in a yellow flag’s clothing. That way, you’re not found months later on a couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s saying, “I should have seen the signs.”Some are obvious—being mean to your pet, constantly lying about their whereabouts, and negatively commenting on your body instead of uplifting you and making you feel like the beautiful human that you are. But some are much trickier to outright call a red flag.“The biggest difference is that yellow flags invite curiosity, while red flags demand action,” says Kaye.