What a break up REALLY does to your mind and body: Expert reveals the 5 distinct stages of grief when a relationship ends - and how to get through them

When Lily Allen released her no-holds-barred West End Girl album last year, sharing all the gory details of her breakup with Stranger Things star David Harbour, social media set alight with support from women who high-fived her very public revenge on a cheating ex.And even now, 31 years after Jagged Little Pill was released, Alannis Morrisette rouses crowds of thousands as she sings her break-up anthems to arenas across the globe.Break-up emotions are nothing new. We go from crying into a pillow to screaming about his inadequacies in public – ‘it’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy, and it IS a big deal!’. There’s still many a woman who wishes she could shout the same words to her ex as Rachel did to Ross back in the Friends heyday. Famous break-up scenes from Friends But while we may cringe with embarrassment as we reflect on our behaviour after a split, experts say we shouldn’t. It’s a natural part of the grieving process. Grieving for the relationship that has been lost.Rage, grief, despair, revenge, they are all rite of passage emotions that follow a messy break up. So certified relationship consultant Mila Smith. Relationship expert Mila SmithBecause while society rightly treats bereavement with sympathy, research reveals that romantic break-ups can also trigger a form of grief with severe impacts on human health, prompting the question of why break-up grief isn’t taken more seriously.Smith says, ‘Heartbreak is one of the most difficult human experiences. We take bereavement seriously, but when it comes to a break-up, it’s easy to dismiss it as something frivolous. However, research shows there's a very real cost in terms of human wellness because heartbreak is a form of bereavement.‘Studies using fMRI scans show that the brain of someone who has recently experienced heartbreak looks remarkably similar to that of someone going through drug withdrawal’.According to relationship researchers, romantic rejection triggers five distinct, evolutionarily driven phases - ranging from initial protest to eventual recovery - as the body and mind process the dissolution of a partnership.The five key stages after a break-up:1. Protest ‘If someone has been rejected, the first stage is usually denial and protest, during which they work hard to regain their abandoning partner’s affection. Stress can intensify activity in the dopamine-related reward system, heightening feelings of love.‘From an evolutionary perspective, this response is likely to have evolved to motivate people to win their partner back and resume the partnership, whenever possible.’2. Frustration and aggression.Smith says, ‘The above can be interchanged with, or followed by, anger when attempts at reconciliation fail. Rejected lovers experience “abandonment rage” which can coexist with love - and many crimes of passion have been committed during this phase.‘Lily Allen made headlines earlier this year with her “ranty” West End Girl album, written as her marriage fell apart. She admitted the album was “really angry”, and for good reasons.‘This stage may help increase distance, estrangement and final separation because anger is not attractive.’ Lily Allen and David Harbour before their split.3. Resignation and despair.‘Following acceptance, signs of despondency and depression appear as all hope vanishes. Some broken-hearted lovers even die from heart attacks or strokes caused by their depression, others may take their own life.‘This sends a clear signal and a cry for help to family and friends. Nicole Kidman recently opened up about her divorce from Keith Urban and admitted: “There was a point where I was very fearful and deeply vulnerable…”’4. Transition phase‘Eventually, reality sets in and the transition phase begins. This often overlaps with the previous phase. People reflect and obsessively review their past relationship, and sometimes all past relationships, comparing their partners. 'Eventually, they grow desensitised and indifferent, but without support, this can last for years, especially when they keep going back and forth to their object of desire, like a yo-yo.’5. Recovery phase‘Freedom returns, although readiness for a new relationship doesn't follow a prescribed timeline, which is individual. Katy Perry is a good example of someone who spoke about rediscovering her purpose, recognising her resilience following her break-up – and more recently finding happiness again with Justin Trudeau.’ Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau But once the stages have been worked through, how do we recover and move on? Smith says, ‘There’s no magic wand to bypass the process, but you can make it more bearable and support healthy healing with the right tools.‘Creative expression is a powerful way to process emotional pain. Writing a letter to your ex can be especially effective but make sure it is for your eyes only - never send it to your ex! Write a new one every week and re-read the previous ones. You’ll notice your negative emotions dissipating over time.‘And don’t hesitate to get in touch with your friends when times are tough even if you feel you have burdened them enough. At worst, they may quietly roll their eyes when you go over the details of your break-up for the umpteenth time, but they will still listen and care.’Smith also says that removing triggers is an essential part of the healing process. ‘Reducing exposure to emotional triggers is important,’ she says. ‘This includes removing photos, gifts and other reminders from your home and messages from your devices. Sleeping in your ex’s shirt might feel comforting, but in reality, you’re just “getting a fix,” like an addict, which only delays your recovery.’