We’re Officially Empty Nesters. Now My Wife Has an Absurd Idea for Our Future.

Care and Feeding I don’t want to be that kind of parent. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Yellow Dog Productions/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My wife, “Tessa,” and I have three kids, and our youngest, “Amelia,” left for college in August. I was looking forward to traveling and having more time for activities now that we are officially empty nesters, but my wife has been talking seriously about moving to the city where Amelia’s college is located. Tessa’s assertion is that our daughter would benefit from having us there in case she needs support. My sister lives in that city (if Amelia needs family support), but in any case, our daughter seems to be adjusting well and is enjoying her new independence. In addition, our home here is paid off, I like our neighbors and community, and what Tessa is advocating for would involve a move to another state. I have no desire to become one of those parents who moves wherever their adult children go. What can I do to get my wife to scrap this ridiculous idea? —No to the Nomadic Life Dear No, I’ll cut to the chase: This is a very, very bad idea. But please don’t call it ridiculous when you talk to your wife about it. In fact, focus on Amelia herself, not on your wife’s suggestion. Ask Tessa if she thinks Amelia wants or needs you two to live nearby. If she says yes, ask her why she thinks so. Mention what you’ve noticed: the ways it seems to you that your youngest daughter is adjusting to and enjoying her new life (and it’s only been one month). Don’t argue with Tessa about this. Just tell her you disagree that this move is a good idea. I’d focus on Amelia’s well-being and the importance of her gaining independence—I don’t think it’ll serve your cause to remind your wife that your house is paid off or that you’ve been looking forward to travel, etc. Since Tessa is claiming (and may well have convinced herself) that she wants to do this for Amelia’s sake, your response should reflect that. What is best for Amelia? For the record, I have a handy rule of thumb about moving to be near adult children. You should never move to where your adult child lives unless: Your adult child has asked you to, and you’ve had an in-depth conversation about it.There’s a very good reason for you to move there (for example: you have grandchildren, and your child would like your help caring for them or otherwise have you be an ongoing part of your grandchildren’s daily lives; or you or your spouse are embarking on something big together with your child—a new business or other endeavor that requires such a move).And finally, you (and your spouse, if you have one) want to live in the place you’ll be moving to. A “yes” to one of these is insufficient—yesses to all three are necessary—and, in your family’s case, there appear to be zero yesses. Full disclosure: My husband and I are in the process of moving to be near our only daughter and her husband, who just had a baby. This is a move we’ve all talked about for years, and there are multiple good reasons for it, not the least of which is the help I’ll be able to, and am very glad to, provide, as needed. (No doubt my perspective as a grandmother will make its way into this column in the days—and months and years—to come. Stay tuned.) Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, I’m expecting a baby. My husband and I felt very solid in our marriage and confident about how much we wanted parenthood. But as I get closer to the due date, I’m terrified. What frightens me is that I’ll neglect either my husband or our child. He keeps reassuring me, telling me it won’t happen, but I need an active plan. My parents were happily married: They were wildly in love. They were like two halves of a whole, completely wrapped up in each other. They weren’t like the parents of my friends. My parents seemed to have no emotional room for a child. They themselves admitted as much in my teens. While I can admire their devotion to each other when I think about it now, it was very lonely for me as a kid. I was pretty self-sufficient and spent as much time as I could with neighbors/friends. I wish I could talk to my parents about this now, but I can’t. When I was 25, my mom died unexpectedly; my dad committed suicide before we even made funeral arrangements for her. He literally couldn’t live without her. How do I make sure I don’t pass this legacy on to our children? I hear so many horror stories of people neglecting their marriages for parenting, and I’m scared of going too far in either direction: the “typical” one or the one my parents modeled. —Tightrope Mom Dear Tightrope, I’m very sorry your parents were so bound up with each other that they didn’t have sufficient room in their hearts for you. I’m also deeply sorry you lost them both when you were still so young. Both of these break my heart for you. But I’ll tell you what unbreaks it: I am certain you’ll do right by your child. The fact that you are so conscious of what you were missing—what your parents did not give you, what you needed and deserved (as every child does)—and of the danger of leaning too far in the other direction is what gives me this confidence. If I, as a new mother, had been as aware and thoughtful as you are, I would have been much better able to navigate the challenges of parenthood. (Just today, my daughter and I were talking about this as we passed her darling month-old baby back and forth between us. She has long been very much aware that it was my fear and dread of her experiencing what I had as a child—not giving her enough of me—that drove me to give her too much, and that it had never crossed my mind that I might be overcorrecting until after the damage was done. She is acutely conscious of the perils of overcorrecting my mistakes and failures. Already I can see how she is in balance, in a way I wasn’t able to be for a long time.) Along with awareness of the nature of one’s particular parenting challenges, given one’s own history, being a good parent requires being cognizant at all times that your child is not you. This sounds simple. But it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking of raising a child as a chance to get a redo. It isn’t. It’s the chance to shepherd an entirely new, unique person into their life. The question I was eventually taught to ask, by a therapist who helped us both enormously to get to the other side of a crisis—Whose need is this? Yours, or your daughter’s?—was what helped me, time and again, to see this clearly. The other piece of this challenge, inevitably, is confusing oneself with one’s parents. This is what you’re doing when you find yourself fearful that you’ll neglect your child in favor of your husband. It’s not an “active plan” you need; it’s this reminder: Your past does not dictate your future, or your child’s future. Your parents being unable or unwilling to love you as much as they loved each other does not mean you will be unable to love both your husband and your child with all your heart. Indeed, your letter suggests to me that you are not at risk of repeating the past—that you would never do anything to make your child feel unloved, or leave that child lonely—and that your eyes are too wide open to the possibility of leaning so far toward your child that you’ll lose sight of the husband you love for that to happen either. One last word: “Terrified” is something most people feel at some point in their pregnancy. Your life is about to change forever. But I can tell you, as someone who’s been in the trenches, that being a parent can make your life infinitely better than you ever imagined it could be. And that even when it’s hard, and even when you make mistakes—and everybody makes some!—it’s an awesome, miraculous, and gorgeous adventure. You’ll see. Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources? Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, My family and I are friends with another family whose kids are similar in age to ours (5 years old and 1 year old) as well as the same genders. The older girls consider each other best friends. Recently, my friend has been complaining that her daughter has trouble with their evening routine. I asked some questions and learned that her 5-year-old is either in child care, school, or an extracurricular activity from 6:30 a.m. until 6 p.m. To me, this is crazy! No wonder she’s having trouble in the evenings. She’s probably exhausted, and just being around other humans is difficult for her. I suggested that her daughter may need some downtime throughout her day. My friend disagreed; she thinks this schedule is the best thing for her active daughter. For what it’s worth, I agree that her daughter is a particularly active kid. I’ve also noticed she has a hard time transitioning away from things and gets easily frustrated when things don’t go her way. I wouldn’t say she requires intervention, but her behavior seems out of the norm for the average 5-year-old I’m familiar with. I can’t help wondering if her routine is contributing to her behavior. My kids are also quite rambunctious. We’ve been privileged enough to adjust our schedules to give them more downtime, and to adjust our parenting techniques when we think our kids’ behavior needs to be curtailed. And we’ve seen improvements in their behavior when we incorporate a little boredom and downtime into their daily lives. I recognize that work schedules play a huge role in this sort of thing. That said, both of our families are thankfully privileged enough to make changes in our routines if we choose to do so. I don’t mean to overstep, but I feel for this child (and her brother, whom I assume has a similar schedule). Is there anything else I can say to convince her? Or should I mind my own business? —Miss Scheduled Dear Miss, You should absolutely mind your own business. And—I’m sorry—you have already overstepped. Don’t take one step farther. Now, if your friend had asked you if you had any advice, you might have told her what worked for you with your own kids (adding that you of course don’t know if it would work for others, that every child is different, and that you’re aware that organizing her daughter’s life in the way you’ve chosen to organize your daughter’s may not be possible for her). It would not have been appropriate to tell her, as you have told me, that she is “privileged enough” to be able to follow your lead for the sake of her kids. But leaving aside the fact that it is only your opinion that your daughter’s best friend’s resistance to her nighttime routine is a reaction to her busy day, and other assumptions you’re making about this child, your friend didn’t ask for your advice. She merely vented to you (which I suspect, chastened, she never will again). And when you offered your unasked-for advice, she made it clear that she disagreed. Do not follow up with further explanation of why your advice is good advice. Back off. Look, I get it. I like to give advice too. (It’s why I took this job.) But I am committed to what I consider an excellent rule for advice-giving (this is Rule of Thumb Day), which is never to offer advice you haven’t been asked for. (Another useful rule to live by: Don’t make assumptions about other people’s kids and what their needs—or problems—might be. Nothing good can come of that.) —Michelle More Advice From Slate I am a third-grade teacher who works at a school where we are truly a family: Everyone is warm, supportive, and close with each other, but always professional. It is a fantastic place to learn and grow, both for students and teachers! This year, one of my most challenging students is also the son of one of our cafeteria workers. I’ve worked hard to develop a trusting relationship with her so that her son knows we are a team… Advice Family Kids Parenting