We Sold Our House and Are Looking for Our Next Home. Our Adult Daughter Has a Very Strong Request.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Siri Stafford/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My husband and I sold our house this past summer in preparation to retire and are now staying with relatives (with whom we can stay as long as we need) in the same town while we look for our next home. But we have a dilemma. Our daughter and son-in-law live would like us to move near them.They live two hours away and are self-employed and need to stay local for their business. We like the idea of living near them as we get along great, and if they have any children in the future (they are planning to), it would be fun to be 10 minutes away. But, we really like our current area, we have lived here for 12 years, have friends and other family nearby, and have found a potential place here that feels like “home” and meets most of our needs. We have looked in our daughter’s town, but nothing is quite what we are looking for in our price range. Our concern is that we are being selfish if we stay here and will hurt our daughter’s feelings. She is a mature adult and told us she wants us to be happy, but on a scale of one to ten, would be a seven for disappointment if we don’t move near her. We feel torn as to what to do: Stay here at “home” or move to a strange place to be near potential grandchildren. We feel either choice is wrong and are in limbo. —Homeless In Colorado Dear Homeless, It’s nice to have family nearby and if you lived across the country, I might tell you to consider it. But a two-hour drive away isn’t that far. And while she may be planning on having children, they are still hypothetical at this point. So while it would be a nice-to-have, it’s unfair to ask that of you. I’d stay put and buy your next home where you feel most comfortable. I’d also try to work on a plan for visiting each other more often. Maybe you can make the drive every other month and she does, too. By knowing she’ll start to see you more frequently, she may be less disappointed. If she does bring it up, let her know you’d be happy to help once, and if, there are children in the future. And who knows? You might reassess and decide you want to live closer then, too. —Athena Valentine From: I Thought Gifting Cars Was A Myth. Then I Met My Boyfriend’s Rich Family. (December 17th, 2022). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, My fiancée and I have both considerable debt, with low-paying jobs, and skyrocketing rent. We both work remotely but she goes into the office a lot. We rent a small studio. My father owns several properties and offered to let us “rent” his one-bedroom condo for what amounts to the cost of the fees and taxes. We would essentially be paying less than a third of the market rate. In three years, we could pay off most of our debts and maybe start saving for a wedding.The problem is a larger commute for my fiancée when she has to go into the office and she will have to drive it herself. Currently, one of her co-workers picks her up since they have the same shift. She hates driving. I understand that, but sometimes we all have to do something we hate. I did a spreadsheet including the cost of gas and wear and tear on the car and we still come out ahead financially. My fiancée also has the option to switch to working weekends, which is fully remote but longer hours. My fiancée and I fought. She feels like she is the one being forced to comprise anything and that my father is trying to “control” us by not selling one of his properties and giving us the money. It has been a thorn in her side that neither of my parents will offer to help with the wedding since they are both well off. Hers aren’t. My parents paid for both of their children’s education, car, and rent in our first apartment. After that, they told us we were adults and responsible for ourselves. They didn’t help with my brother’s wedding either. And for the record, we are both women. I feel like we are at an impasse that is impossible to pass. Our lease is up in mid-January. I love her so much and 90 percent of the time we never argue. Can you help us? —Great Divide Dear Great Divide, I think your fiancée really has to decide whether she wants to have a longer commute or longer hours in exchange for something that may benefit both of you but you don’t have to sacrifice for. If you don’t have to commute, you may forget (or not know, if you’ve never done it) how exhausting it can be, and asking her to work longer hours is effectively asking her to subsidize the potential savings because her time and energy are worth something, too—not to mention any career impacts on her job if she took the weekend shift. I doubt that’s included in your spreadsheet. Regardless, this should not be an impasse; it’s the kind of conflict you will encounter periodically when you get married. It’s great that your dad is offering you a way to save money on housing, but I also understand your fiancée’s suspicion of it given your dad’s stated position that you’re on your own, which he’s contradicting by giving you a very specific kind of help. At any rate, I think you have to learn to navigate conflicts where you’re unable to reach a perfect agreement. My general rule of thumb in a situation where one partner is being asked to give up something or make some kind of sacrifice, but the other is not, is that the partner being asked to make the sacrifice decides. Your partner doesn’t owe it to you to do something she hates because you like the longer-term financial prospects. If she chooses to because she loves you and thinks it’s best for both of you financially, that’s a different story. Unilaterally pressuring her to do it while you’re not making any sacrifices yourself is a recipe for resentment, even if she ultimately agrees to it. Also, I don’t think you believe this, but I want to be clear that your dad’s offer of a discount is not your contribution to the financial situation. It’s your dad’s, and your partner will view it as such because it doesn’t require anything of you. So do not be tempted to argue that yes, your partner has to commute more or work longer hours, but you bring the rent discount to the table. That is simply not true. Another thing to consider is that your father’s offered discount is not the only lever you have to save money and pay off debt, and it does not affect your income. Longer-term, better-paying jobs for both of you are important, as is the way you decide to set goals together, and what sort of choices you make that lead to bigger expenses (kids, home ownership, etc.). This is a good time to have a conversation about those topics together because the wedding will probably end up being the least important expense you’ll encounter at the beginning of your life together. —Elizabeth Spiers From: My Elderly Mother Was Taken Advantage Of By Campaign Donation Texts. (December 22th, 2022). Dear Pay Dirt, My husband and I both work full-time, and have never received any family help. We take financial responsibility seriously and follow a budget. We are both millennials so our pay is good, but not great, and we don’t have a lot of money left over for extras. This brings me to my question: My husband’s cousin Sally has consistently been asking the entire family, extended family included, for money. She is now asking us. She asked my husband for $50 a few times over the past year and he at first said no, then stopped answering. She has now moved on to asking me for money directly. The kicker is, Sally lives with my husband’s parent’s house in his childhood bedroom, rent free. She moved in over 6 months ago and still lives there despite promising to only need a few months to get on her feet and move out. She is in her late-30s and has a job. However, she bounces around from retail job to retail job so I understand that her pay is low. We technically could afford to pay her this $50 here and there. However, she has asked other family members for sums like this that ultimately ended up being hundreds of dollars that are never paid back. I plan to not send the $50. I feel like Sally is putting me in an unfair position to ask for money when she is already receiving financial help in the way of free room and board from my husband’s parents. Am I being overly harsh by not sending her the money? I don’t want to become her personal piggy bank when I have my own budget to follow. —Tough Position Dear Tough Position, As long as people enable her, she probably won’t change her behavior. I wouldn’t, if I had free rent and board. While it’s not any of your business what she does with her money or why she needs to borrow it in the first place, that doesn’t mean you need to continue the family tradition of being a personal piggy bank. You’re absolutely not being too harsh by not wanting to send her money. Also, $50 here and there adds up. Next time, be firm and straight to the point. Try saying, “Hey, I’d love to help, and thanks for feeling comfortable enough to ask me, but at this time, I’m not in a position to.” It’s short and sweet while still letting her know you heard her. If she asks again, you can say, “We have already discussed this, and my answer remains the same.” You can then join your husband in avoiding her texts. —A.V. From: My Husband Always Brags About How “Cheap” His Christmas Gifts To Me Are. (December 24th, 2022). More Money Advice From Slate So my marriage got annulled because my husband was a cheating pile of garbage who got two women pregnant while we were engaged. I found out after our honeymoon. I was very lucky I didn’t put the bastard on the deed to my house. I did return his mother’s engagement ring. My question is do I have to return his great aunt’s handmade quilt? She made it for both of us but use fabric from my late mother’s wedding dress among other personal items. And it is gorgeous. 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