We Keep Having CPS Called on Us. The Reason Why Is Chilling.

Dear Prudence Prudie chats with Lizzie O’Leary, host of What Next: TBD, about parents being pushed to the edge. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by LSOphoto/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here. Dear Prudence, My husband and I—both men—live in a formerly purple but increasingly red state and want to have children of our own. To that end, we’ve been licensed foster parents for five years and have had three long-term placements, each of which ended when other relatives of the kiddos came forward later and asked the court for kinship custody. During this time, CPS has been called on us four times, all but one anonymously. In each of the four complaints, homophobic remarks were made about my husband and me, and the complaints themselves were so over-the-top and easily disproven that the investigators were able to close each case after a short visit with the kids. (The recent issue Pete Buttigieg had with CPS prompted me to write in.) Think of the worst stuff a person could do to a child, but then somehow the kids are happy, healthy, and completely injury-free. Even though three complaints were anonymous, the investigators said they pretty much knew who made them for various reasons (names, dates, information mentioned, etc.) and that they believe the motive is that these are religious people who don’t believe gay men should be raising children. Even though we were never separated from our charges overnight, the entire thing has been very stressful, as has, honestly, the entire experience of foster care. So, my question is a big one, and I’m not asking for a “ruling,” just an outside opinion: Is it ethical and reasonable to explore surrogacy as an option? We decided to grow our family via foster care because we saw a need, both of us work with children professionally, and we genuinely wanted to help. Also, surrogacy really turned both of our stomachs, as it seems like renting an organ neither of us have, a process that feels exploitative no matter how frequently agencies hold up the idea of the nice, middle-class woman with kids of her own who just wants to help someone else. Most surrogates we’ve read about do seem to need the money. But, at this point, the idea of another foster care placement seems beyond exhausting, and in our state, the option of surrogacy may not be an option for much longer, given the way the political winds are blowing. —Running Out of Time Jenée Desmond-Harris: If I had to answer in one sentence I would say: I know surrogacy is very complicated and fraught, but you sound like great people and you should have a child, so go for it. I appreciate the thought you’re giving to this. But honestly, is it ethical for anyone to have a biological child instead of giving a home to a child in need? These things are more complicated than that. Lizzie O’Leary: Yes! Absolutely. You both sound like wonderful parents who have given this a lot of thought and energy, and it sounds like any child would be lucky to have you as parents. Look, parenthood is filled with all kinds of ethical quandaries, and we could debate them endlessly—is it ethical to add a child to a warming world? etc. etc. But I think if you want kids, and you are capable of providing them a warm and loving home, which you clearly are, then go for it. Also, I know it’s not helpful, but damn I am mad at those neighbors! Jenée: I should add that I’m so sorry about what this couple has been through, and maybe that’s part of why I want them to be easy on themselves where they can. I do think it’s worth looking for a surrogacy arrangement that feels as non-exploitive as possible. At the end of the day, you will still be paying someone to do something with their body, but as you suggest in the letter, some candidates will be much less vulnerable than others. It would even be interesting to speak to the women about your complicated feelings about the matter and see what they have to say. I’ll echo Lizzie and say parenthood is full of opportunities to wonder whether you’re doing the wrong thing. Except you have to wonder while simultaneously stopping someone from putting small items in their mouth or running away in the parking lot. The most peaceful parents I know are the ones who seem to have real clarity about what they value and what they can tune out. Like those moms who post on social media explaining why they skip all birthday parties because they’ve decided family time is most important, and that they always go outside for fresh air within 10 minutes of waking up, but they don’t care about whether their kids learn to read before age 8. Or the ones who invite the whole neighborhood for dinner in a dirty house every Thursday because they’re decided that community is top priority and dishes in the sink don’t matter. Or whatever. Parents who are extremely confident and unaffected by all the noise about what they should value seem to have a lot of peace. I’m not among them. But if I could start all over, I might draft some kind of a mission statement or set of principles to guide which decisions I’d take really seriously and which ones I’d shrug over. Just a thought, because you seem especially prone to being tied up in knots over the many decisions you’ll have to make for your kid’s whole life. Lizzie: Oh man, that is really good advice! And I think, frankly, a lot of queer couples I know have spent more time thinking about what it means to be a good parent than many straight couples—just because the barrier to becoming one is higher. RE: the surrogacy question, I also think that finding a way to do it that feels right to you—whether that is through an agency, a friend, etc., is obviously paramount. One small thing we have done in my own marriage is read/listen to the same parenting book, for example, so that we have a jumping off point for common conversation. You have probably already had some of these experiences given your time as foster parents, but I have found them to be immensely helpful, since we all carry so much from our own childhoods that we don’t always clock. Jenée: Great idea. So, bottom line: Go for it. Have a baby. And start deciding now about things like whether you’re going to force yourself to use cloth diapers. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dear Prudence