We just learned how weird Pete Hegseth gets when his back is against the wall

“I’ll get right to it,” said Pete Hegseth this morning, as he took to the lectern at the Pentagon briefing room the morning after impeachment articles were introduced against him by a member of his own party. And then he very much did not get right to it.What Pete did get right to, however, was certainly interesting. In a speech that lasted just over a half hour (including a couple of questions) — and to which he actually arrived on time, an unusual feat — he claimed that the impeachment is being driven by one madman, except it’s also being done by the Democrats who hate the country, except it also only happened because of the evil commie media. It’s all about the noble defenders of the republic, who just so happen to be him and Donald Trump and nobody else besides perhaps Marco Rubio (because screw JD Vance), except actually it’s about the service members who Democrats hate and want to put in prison. Oh, and he’s extremely anxious about the idea of having the funding cut off for his continuing war, which, anyway he already won.It was a weave of extraordinary proportions.The impeachment effort driven by Republican Thomas Massie is “a personal manifesto driven by ego,” he began. Except it’s all in the service of a Democratic “show trial.” By the way, “we’ve seen this show before” when “they” — the Democrats — “impeached President Trump over a perfect phone call.” And if he’s forced to stand alongside President Trump in that regard, Hegseth added, with a self-satisfied little smile, “I’ll take that company any day of the week.”‘This is not patriotism — this is sabotage,’ said Hegseth from the Pentago Tuesday as he railed against the move to impeach him brought by a member of his own party (Reuters)Believe us, Pete, we know you would. But regardless of what you’d take, I think the republic might be a little tired of the norm-flouting duo of Creatine Pete and Lame-Duck Donald. Presumably conscious that the American public did just vote as though Trump was on the ballot and did so by abandoning him entirely, Hegseth quickly pivoted to a new idea: that this isn’t about him anyway. It’s an effort by the U.S. Congress “to punish its own warriors.”“This is not patriotism — this is sabotage,” continued Pete, sounding suspiciously like he used ChatGPT to write his speech. And how unfair, right after Biden’s “wokeness and weakness,” right after War Daddy had instituted his world-shattering effort to ensure “peace through strength, not as a slogan but as a way of war.” Ah, yes, peace as a way of war. I doubt many would argue that that is the only way Hegseth understands peace, but it’s a spectacularly unpopular way of defining the thing, isn’t it? Those pesky polls showed us that, and even JD Vance admitted it. So what now?The Iran war “was only made possible by a courageous commander-in-chief,” Hegseth continued, and yes, we already know a new war only happened because of Trump. “History will judge the Iran war quite differently than conventional wisdom does right now,” he added, and by “conventional wisdom” he obviously meant the entire American voting public. To underline the fact that he really doesn’t care what ordinary Americans think, he added of fearless leader Trump — with another AI-coded flourish — “He did not kick the can, he kicked their teeth in.” And by the way, he added, Vietnam and the Korean War went on longer, and so has Ukraine! “This — Epic Fury — has never been that!” Well, give it time, Pete; give it time.“The media can just never admit the military success because they — you — hate the president more than our country or our troops,” he added, seemingly forgetting that it was not “the media” who had any ability to impeach him.More suspiciously ChatGPT-like constructions followed as he listed off his apparent achievements (Nicolas Maduro “was not kidnapped, he was brought to justice by America’s best”; America’s allies are paying more toward NATO now because it’s “out with being a burden, in with burden-sharing”.) He finished off this aside by declaring “victory” in Iran for about the zillionth time, while still very much being at war with no end in sight.“Make no mistake about what’s happening,” he continued, licking his lips. “This is not about me.” Oh no, the impeachment articles specifically written about Pete are definitely not about him. They are, in fact, about “the sailors in the boats” who will go down for war crimes! “Put the secretary on trial today and the men and women who carried out those orders tomorrow,” he threatened. But don’t worry — in this completely imagined scenario, “if they want to come for the warriors, they’re going to have to come through me.”What a time for Petey to find love for the warriors, eh? Just five minutes ago, they were beardoes and weirdos, they were fat and disgusting, and they were being insulted and yelled at and purged and told to fly across continents to march for President Trump’s birthday party. But now, now! Now they can cower behind Big Daddy Pete, who is their last defender in this fine republic, while the cruel and terrible voters try to end a war and one meanie Republican says he also thinks the man who started the war should step down. Don’t worry, my beloved beardoes! I will lay down my life to ensure that you can continue to lay down your lives in service of this forever war! ‘Make no mistake about what’s happening,’ Hegseth said, licking his lips. ‘This is not about me’ (Reuters)“They will criminalize the war fighters who execute lawful orders,” Hegseth added, stretching the logic right to its limit and beyond. And “like the president, I will defend them with every fiber of my being, every single day.” Having worked himself up into a lather about this fantasy, he then addressed the troops directly: “Don’t blink! Never Hesitate!” he said, eyes wide. “This is all politics. You do real things. Stay the course.” All of this would’ve been much more convincing if “the troops” faced any credible threat except the threat of his continued leadership.“We will stand, we will fight, and we will defend this republic against all enemies, foreign and domestic,” Hegseth added, which really should’ve been quite an out-there thing to say for a Secretary of Defense, but it’s not 2015 so we don’t expect basic normalcy from anyone in charge anymore.Questions came next, and although Petey was more tightlipped as he answered them, what he did say betrayed some intriguing things about what’s happening inside the administration. How does he feel about new Trump chief of staff Stephen Miller? Miller is “an incredible patriot,” Hegseth boomed, and “we’ve got no better friend at the Department of War”. He’s particularly impressed, he added, by Miller’s supposed achievements at the southern border.JD Vance said the Iran war is why Republicans lost both houses of Congress, he was asked — do you agree? “I respect the vice president greatly,” said Hegseth, steely eyed. “Thankfully, politics is not really my thing.” But he agrees with the president and Marco Rubio, he added: “It’s not necessarily popular, but it was necessary.” He’s aligning himself and Trump with the Rubio 2028 effort, then, which is also the ‘oligarchical decisions over democracy’ effort. Few surprises there.Have you been making calls to shore up support for yourself in Congress over this impeachment effort, he was then asked? Having just claimed that politics isn’t his thing, Hegseth then launched into a long answer claiming that “what people don’t understand is the depth of partnership” he has with all the Republicans in Congress.He is actually constantly involved with politics, he added, and “something that gets misconstrued often is that we’re cut off from Capitol Hill.” Right now, “we’re flooding the zone because this lame-duck period is critical for funding our department,” he added, immediately revealing too much. Rather than worrying just about “the circus one congressman is trying to unleash,” he’s also worried about how to “get the funding we need.” Because of course, in January, when Democrats take control of Congress, they will have control of the purse — and that means potentially cutting off Hegseth’s ability to continue his little Iran incursion.So what do we know now? War Daddy is scared and he’s desperate for support. He will now lay down his life politically for those beautiful fat slobs he previously railed against. He is standing shoulder-to-shoulder with two of the most unpopular men in America, Donald Trump and Stephen Miller. And he thinks the writing is on the wall for Iran.Having just been so accidentally candid about the funding issue, he ended the press conference and walked away without ceremony. And gosh, wasn’t it a delight to hear him so scared; to have skipped over the performative outrage and to instead see his eyes flickering around the crowd as he quickly delivered the badly written remarks he’d clearly practiced in the mirror earlier that morning? Because Pete’s back is against the wall now, and he can’t even decide on one coherent narrative. And as he looks ahead to January, you can see just a flicker of a desire not to be in the job any longer when the Democrats take control and really start to hold his department to account.