We cared for my dying mother-in-law – now I feel short-changed by her will

My wife and I cared for her mother during her last years of life. We live close to her and would visit daily, helping and spending time together – my wife cut down her work days to do so (and was pleased to) because they had a lovely relationship. Sadly, recently her mother died at 79. Her mother left everything to her two daughters, my wife and her sister, split 50/50. The two of them have always been close but her younger sister lives in a very different world, working extremely hard with a successful career. She only visits a couple of times a year. While my wife is always kind, even dutiful, her sister thinks more of herself. I suggested that my wife chat to her sister about whether she might have a little more of the inheritance because she has done so much caring over the past two years (and her sister earns a lot more). She did this and her sister reacted very badly and hasn’t been in touch since. My wife is upset and wishes she hadn’t said anything, while I feel responsible. I also feel her sister is unreasonable to simply stop communicating. We’re all grieving. She’s my wife’s closest remaining family. Just to add: we aren’t talking huge sums of money, my mother-in-law wasn’t wealthy, but a small amount of money makes a big difference to us. What do you think? JR, 56 Shorts Dear JR, The first thing I want to remind you of is the context of this row. Grief is hard. It’s exhausting, emotional and very individual: none of us know how grief will affect us until we’re within it. I know many gentle people who’ve been surprised by the rage they’ve experienced after they’ve lost someone they loved. I say that to encourage you to be your most compassionate self when it comes to your sister-in-law, because on the face of it: of course this is a reasonable subject to bring up. Your wife has lost earnings through caring duties and has probably saved the family money by providing care which would otherwise be paid for, thereby reducing the inheritance available to hand out. There’s a logic to your suggestion. It might also be reasonable for your sister-in-law to conclude that she’d rather stick to the 50/50 divide, particularly as this was their mother’s wish, but to act like it’s unreasonable to broach the subject and then “punish” your wife with silent treatment is a huge reaction. But when it comes to inheritance, we’re rarely in a simply rational mindset. It’s also emotional, financial and historical. Your sister-in-law may be experiencing a complexity to her grief in that it might be tinged with regret. She didn’t have the same amount of time with her mum as your wife, and indeed you did, in her latter years. She may have regrets that she wasn’t visiting her mum more. This conversation might have felt to her like pouring salt on wounds. Her strong reaction might also have been one that stems from childhood. Perhaps the sense of “it’s not fair” ran strong in her upbringing; perhaps she felt like your wife was the favourite and that the suggestion was that funds be re-distributed to reflect this. Or maybe when they were children your wife was more caring and sharing, while her sister was more used to having things her own way – and she has reacted to your wife’s challenge to the status quo. I noticed that you say that this isn’t about finances. Your assumption may well be right but I’d caution against judging other people’s financial situation. It’s easy to presume that people are affluent, but your sister-in-law’s higher earnings may well have opened herself up to bigger debts. Even though your mother-in-law had very little to leave, it might be helping her. I’d be very interested to know whether this silent treatment is something that has happened before: whether they are good at resolving arguments or whether one resorts to going silent and then moving on as if nothing has happened? In different circumstances I would also be curious whether one sister tends to be the one who reaches out with an olive branch and perhaps encourage your wife to wait (if she is the one who rushes to make amends) and see what her sister does. But, at this time when gentle compassion is the kindest response and especially given this is proving distressing for your wife, I’d recommend she considers getting in touch. Not to apologise, but to ask how her sister is doing; to share how she’s feeling and; to come together in what is a very difficult period. The safer your sister-in-law feels, the more likely she is to be able to share how she is feeling. How would you feel if your wife admitted that it was your idea to suggest that she got more? Hopefully this will lead to a conversation where they can both explore the subject with empathy. This is sometimes easier said than done: a large number of families fall out over inheritance, an estimated 10 per cent according to Step, the professional body for specialists in inheritance and succession planning. But more often this is when someone is left out in a will and I have high hopes that the emotion that your sister felt wasn’t really aimed at her but, however unfair, was an expression of grief.