We Accidentally Formed a Kids’ Sports League in Our Backyard. It’s Gotten Out of Hand.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Photology1971/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, A little under two years ago, I wrote to the column as Don’t Want a Rift and got a very helpful response in this article. I wanted to write with an update and ask for some new help as things have developed. Pegging access to the swords (under supervision) to behavioral benchmarks worked amazingly well. The tantrums stopped almost immediately; “Matthew” was more thoughtful about them, and my husband and son started talking about them more in depth, and he got some very limited access to them as the year went by. Earlier this spring, after some discussion, my husband commissioned from a guy he knows through his historical European martial arts club to make a (blunt) sword for Matthew, something scaled down to his size, and got a padded jacket for some practice. Them practicing historical fencing in the yard drew some attention, mostly in the form of other children in the neighborhood who were curious and some wanted in on it. A few parents got involved, some more blunt swords were commissioned, and now Matthew has a gaggle of friends who run around playing at being knights, which I suppose was inevitable. The problem is that there are 11 of them now, and in addition to the usual coordination problems of a kid group that large, not everyone is quite on the same page. At least from my outside-looking-in perspective, you’ve got Matthew and three other children who treat this like Very Serious Sport Training, a few other kids who do enjoy fencing for its own sake but aren’t serious about it the way they are, and then three to four other kids who I think just want to be around the others and are more interested in the company than the fencing. Some rifts are forming between the cohorts, and a few of the kids have argued during the past few weekend sword lessons. “Dave” and I are the most involved parents since we run this backyard sword academy, although I’ll note the other parents do help pitch in, especially with snacks and drinks, but I’m wondering if you have any tips for playing peacemaker here. —Wound Up Running a Sporting League Dear Wound Up Running a Sporting League, It’s great to hear that Allison’s advice helped! I’m happy to add on and help with this new problem. While it sounds as though your husband is more than capable of teaching your son how to properly fence, you didn’t mention that he’s a fencing instructor. (There are a ton of things you can do—and be great at—but not know how to best teach those activities to others, especially kids.) I think this is where you might find the solution for the competing interests among the kids in the group: formalizing the lessons. Running a makeshift fencing league in your yard is, it seems to me, not something you want to play around with. What if someone gets hurt? Even the kids you say are taking this seriously could get injured without the full guidance, equipment, and space a trainer could provide. To give some structure to the whole endeavor and because of the potential for injury, I think you should consider moving this “fencing club” to a real place, with an instructor who can absorb the liability for potential injury because they are certified and have the proper insurance for a club or teaching facility. It looks like the Historical European Martial Arts organization (HEMA) has instructor certifications, and there are fencing instructors certified by USA Fencing or the United States Fencing Coaches Association (USFCA). Find someone who would be a good instructor for the kids and try to work out a group rate. The other parents sound supportive, so they may be amenable to pitching in on payment and, if needed, carpooling. Or maybe the instructor would come to you. If you bring a professional in, the kids who are less enthused about the sport might just weed themselves out naturally—and if they don’t, someone trained in working with kids can help give shape to the sessions and keep the group focused. Either way, add in the security you find with kids’ clubs that might not be necessary when dealing with adults. For example, parents sign waivers for kids to play basketball in a league, while adults can just do pickup games for fun. Injuries might happen in both places, but it’s not the same. Taking your budding league to the next level could help everyone in the long run. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, We live close to my husband’s brother and his family. Our nieces and nephews are cute kids but they can get extremely rowdy and barely listen to their parents, let alone to us. It’s getting harder to socialize with them, and at this point, inviting them over feels like such an undertaking. We have two young kids (under 3), and I’m worried that my kids could get hurt near their cousins and that my kids will eventually learn their bad behavior. We love our family but have no clue how to proceed in a way that doesn’t keep stressing us out. My brother-in-law knows his kids are challenging, so this isn’t really new information for them. Any advice that keeps the peace would be amazing! —The Anxious Aunt Dear The Anxious Aunt, It’s so great that your kids get to grow up near their cousins. It’s such a special thing to be able to spend time with them, and you’re trying your best to keep the socializing going, even though it’s been difficult. While your nieces and nephews barely listen to their parents, remember that kids are pretty smart: They generally know who has what boundaries and what behavior is allowed where. It’s totally OK for you to implement some rules around what is expected at your house. For example, you can limit certain kinds of games that can be played in the house and have the kids play any games that require running and a lot of movement outside, where they have the space to be wild a bit more freely. You can also suggest more options for play by finding activities that are quieter and less rowdy. Also, all socializing doesn’t have to be done at your house. Parks, kid-friendly museums, and zoos are great places to meet up as a family. Start signing up for newsletters from your local media organizations and major institutions to stay in the know. Even if some of these places charge, many have free days for residents. For example, I live in Chicago, and we have tons of free family days, often when kids are out of school, like for Martin Luther King Jr. Day. But Illinois residents are also free at most museums every Tuesday with an ID. So switch up the activities or spaces and try to have some fun! I wouldn’t worry too much about your kids learning from their cousins’ behavior—your kids and their cousins are different. Just keep focusing on what you want to teach them. Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources? Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, I’m looking for something my 6-year-old can safely chew on to stim. He’s just started school, and while I don’t think it’s an issue there (haven’t heard from his teacher about it, at least), it is an issue at home, especially when he watches TV. No matter what he’s got in his hands, he is constantly chewing on it. The remote especially, or even his thinking putty, which is obviously not food-safe. I’m autistic and have ADHD, but I haven’t had him tested yet because he seems like your typical 6-year-old boy; it just seems like the chewing on things is his main issue. Any recommendations would be great for something he can put in his mouth while we have downtime and he doesn’t seem properly stimulated. —Child Chew Toy Dear Child Chew Toy, Luckily, there are lots of options for kids who might be oral sensory seekers like your son. The ones I’ve bought for my son generally fall into three different categories: chew tubes, chew necklaces or bracelets, or vibrating chew toys. It can be tough finding the right option because you also have to consider things like whether your son would like the toy smooth or with texture, thin or thick, soft or tough. I would suggest grabbing a variety pack of different toys and a pack of necklaces to try out. You can always invest in more expensive and specific kinds once you know what he likes. Best of luck! —Arionne More Advice From Slate I’m writing to get your help with my now first grader who has a history of struggling with morning school drop-off. When my child was in preschool, he loved it and had a great time, but he always struggled at drop-off. The preschool teachers advised a hug and a quick handoff, rather than a drawn-out process… Advice Family Kids Parenting