We Accidentally Followed a Certain Sleep Method for Our Kid. I Wish We Could Turn Back Time.

Care and Feeding A look back at the Care and Feeding archives in celebration of 30 years of Slate. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Marina Demidiuk/Getty Images Plus. Today, Slate has five regular advice columns, and then some. We publish new advice seven days per week. But until 2018, there was just Dear Prudence. That changed with the launch of Care and Feeding, Slate’s parenting advice column. In the inaugural column, Nicole Cliffe and Carvell Wallace kicked things off with advice to inquiring would-be parents. A woman wrote in worried that she would not be a good mother. “To make a sweeping generalization,” wrote Cliffe, “Most people who spend more than 10 minutes thinking about whether or not they would be a good parent are perfectly capable of rising to the occasion.” And to a letter writer worried there were no unselfish reasons to have a child, Wallace wrote, “The world needs good people. And the world needs you to help make them.” In the years that followed, our parenting columnists have weighed in on perennial issues like co-sleeping and annoying mothers-in-law to truly one-of-a-kind tales, like the daughter who was in love with her secret half-brother, and the “cousins” who look alike. “We view parenting as something that even experts are not really experts on,” former Care and Feeding editor and columnist Dan Kois told Nieman Lab in 2019. “We’re all figuring it out together.” Parenting is such a complex and interesting endeavor, in fact, that we have many Care and Feeding readers who aren’t parents themselves. In celebration of Slate’s 30th anniversary, we’ve chosen a selection of Care and Feeding columns from the past eight years. We hope you enjoy them. —Logan Sachon, Slate Advice associate editor Dear Care and Feeding, Our 15-month-old son is generally a fun and easy kid. The only major problem is one for which his dad and I are basically to blame. We’ve ended up being accidental co-sleepers and don’t know how to get ourselves out of it. We don’t have any theoretical or developmental problems with co-sleeping, but we have all sorts of personal problems with it: being pushed off the bed; waking up every time he moves; being kicked in the stomach (his dad) or literally becoming our son’s pillow (me); and not being able to actually snuggle as adults. We’ve halfheartedly tried some extinction methods, but we can’t seem to get them right, and his crying makes my head hurt so much. I know part of the problem is his crib, which still contains a rock-hard infant mattress. How can we remedy this situation before we wake up with a 12-year-old sleeping between us? —A Bed of One’s Own Dear ABoOO, I’m honestly surprised it took me a whole two columns before we got to co-sleeping. I’m sure you’ve already met, “I’m not dogmatic, but if your child sleeps quietly in another room it just means he’s gazing silently up at the ceiling as lonely tears stream down his face.” And its counterpart, “I did not have a child so my 10 hours of sleep would be interfered with just because someone has ‘night terrors.’ ” Happily, we are not here today to hash any of this out! You are way ahead of the game, in that you know what’s happening (accidental co-sleeping) and you know what you don’t want (accidental co-sleeping). You can’t sleep. Your husband is getting kicked in the nuts hourly. (He says it’s his stomach to put a brave face on it, but it’s his nuts.) You are ready to rip this Band-Aid off. I’m here for you. Your kid is 15 months old, so you’re way past the dicier ages for sleep training. Your 15-month-old is ready to enlist in the Sleep Marines. Which is not to say you need to be a real hard-ass about anything; this is just to emotionally buttress you against feeling like a monster. I’m glad you zeroed in on the crib mattress. Those things are prison cots. Ditch it. Let’s get something on the floor next to the bed. Here’s where my choice diverges from the norm: I recommend an L.L. Bean memory foam dog bed (for larger breeds). I know. I know! But it’s great. Kids love to pretend to be puppies. The beds are comfy, close to the ground, and have very washable covers! Most kids will be into it, especially if the alternative is presented not as “climb back in with us” but “you’ll have to sleep in your own room.” The hardest part is absolutely breaking them of their wish to be in physical contact with you at night, which this second sleeping surface is perfect for. Being in your room with you is a privilege! If the alternative is Brutal Extraction Into Solitary Confinement, most kids, however whiny, will decide to shut up and sleep in the dog bed. Don’t worry, you will get to that beautiful solitary-confinement mode eventually. Let’s start there, without even trying to move him out of your room, and once he’s sleeping next to the bed, report back and we’ll get him the rest of the way. Good luck! —Nicole Cliffe From: How Can I Get My Kid to Stop Cosleeping With Me? (Jan. 24, 2018.) Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and I have become part-time, unofficial guardians to a 4-year-old nephew whose dad is incarcerated. His mom is a severe addict, and she has lost custody to her mom, who is also addicted to illegal drugs. We’ve not been close to this side of the family, but in an effort to help the child, we offered to take him several nights a week “so Grandma could have a break.” At our home and at preschool, the boy is mostly delightful but struggles with rules—like regular bathing, bedtimes, potty training, and healthy meals. He can have very fierce tantrums over not getting his way, but it’s hard to know when that’s normal little-kid behavior that needs scolding or a timeout, and when there’s genuine distress. We are alarmed by the things this child has been exposed to and shocked at how little help we’ve had from authorities. Meanwhile, he loves and misses the truly dangerous and dysfunctional place he knows as home whenever he’s with us. It’s hard to know if we’re confusing and stressing him out more than is helpful, or if we’re doing any good at all. Our hope is to be a permanent placement someday, or at the very least to be a source of stability and normalcy in his life. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated. —Stepping Forward Dear SF, My belief is that you are helping this child. Of course it’s not perfect; none of this is. Part of what makes this so difficult is that there is no immediate way for you to know the exact impact of your help because it won’t be revealed for a very long time. As a result, you have to go largely on faith, and that’s a tall order. But as a person whose life was impacted when non-parents offered some intermittent love and support, I am a staunch advocate for this kind of thing. The first advice I’d give you is to never underestimate the power of simply being a loving, respectful adult in a child’s life, of being there to listen to his words, make eye contact, share your food with him, laugh at his jokes and tell him your own. None of this is spectacular, but that kind of witnessing and presence is immensely powerful to a child who has faced trauma and as such is looking for validation that he belongs somewhere—that he has value. The second piece of advice I would give is this: One of the other deeply important ways to show a child that he matters is by expecting good things from him and making sure he knows that you expect good things from him. So, do that. Hold him to standards; gently and lovingly correct him when you see him erring. Model kindness, love, attention, patience, and acceptance for him. Do not confuse this for control, or even passive-aggressive control. Do not use anger as a weapon, and definitely don’t let this turn into judgment. It is a fine line to ride, but it is an important one. Love the kid first, guide the kid second. You are lucky to have him. —Carvell Wallace From: My Mother-in-Law Convinced My Husband to Change My Child’s Middle Name While I Was Recovering From a C-Section. (Feb. 6, 2019) Dear Care and Feeding, Right out of high school, I was in a short-lived, abusive marriage. As soon as I got pregnant, I was looking for a way to escape. Thankfully, my husband was arrested, I was granted full custody, and I moved across the country. I met my current husband when my daughter was 2. He has always been my daughter’s dad in every way. We never prompted her to call him dad, but everything fell into place naturally for us. My husband has always wanted to adopt my daughter. We have gotten the paperwork, but I always put it off. I think it just scares me, because I will have to send paperwork to my ex requesting his consent. Divorcing him was a nightmare, and we haven’t spoken since. I’m also nervous about him knowing where we live. Despite this, we’re planning on moving forward with the adoption when COVID is over. My daughter is almost 10. She has no idea that my husband is not her biological father. The older she gets, the more anxious I get that she doesn’t know. I would rather not tell her if I could. Having a relationship with my ex or his family would put her in emotional and physical danger. But in the age of social media, they could reach out to her when she’s older. I don’t want to ruin her relationship with my husband by telling her he’s not her biological dad. I don’t want to ruin her relationship with me because I have been keeping this from her. Do I keep protecting her and keep our family dynamic intact or does she deserve to know the truth and if so, at what age? —Deceptive or Protective Dear DoP, I can understand how things got to this point—you were young, it was a terrible situation, you escaped it and found happiness. Of course you wouldn’t want to risk that by getting entangled with your ex, and of course this feels too big and frightening to have to explain to your daughter. I understand your desire to protect your kid from painful information, but one of the hard things about parenthood is coming to terms with the fact that you can’t protect your kid from everything. So no, for the sake of your daughter’s future and your husband’s feelings, I don’t think deception is an option here. These are complicated issues I think you should discuss with a therapist. I defer to the expert, although I will say generally that you need to do all the things you’re hoping to avoid. A therapist can help you figure out exactly how and when to do this, but you must tell your daughter about her origins (you can spare her any details you think she’s not ready for, but she needs to know the big stuff). I also think you should honor your husband’s desire to formally legalize his relationship with his child. And you should develop a strategy for dealing with your daughter’s father and his family; pretending they don’t exist is not a good plan, especially, as you point out, in the age of social media. This won’t be easy, but you can do it. Telling the truth will not ruin your kid’s relationship with the man she’s always called dad; withholding the truth, though, could be ruinous. Good luck. —Rumaan Alam From: I Tried to Protect My Daughter by Hiding the Truth About Her Dad. (July 28, 2020) Dear Care and Feeding, Our daughter (17F) sat us down last night and explained that she was in love with the (16M) neighbor next door. Instead of being delighted, as we’ve known the boy since birth and they’ve been friends almost as long, my husband threw a fit and forbade her from seeing him ever again. An argument ensued and our daughter accused my husband of being racist (we’re Filipino and the neighbors are Black.) When he shared his reasons for reacting the way he did, my world changed forever. And I don’t know what to do with this information. Right after our daughter was born, my husband and I almost split up; I went through a really hard time between the hormones and the lack of sleep, and when I kicked him out of the house temporarily, he took refuge in other women. I knew this already, but I had no idea he’d slept with the young single mom next door and fathered the boy who would become our daughter’s best friend and, eventually, boyfriend. Our daughter’s new boyfriend is her half-brother. I’m furious, not because of the cheating, but because neither of them told me (I’m friends with the woman and think she’s a fantastic mother, for the record), although they both knew he was the father, and because my husband has a child that he has never supported, financially or emotionally. Now, we have to explain this ridiculous situation to both kids, which will stir up a lot of feelings for them, and the boy, who has been a big, positive, part of all our lives for years, will find out not only who his absentee father is, but that he’s been next door and parenting his other family for years without acknowledgment. Any advice for navigating this? We should reach out to the boy and try to make up for years of negligence and secrecy, right? My husband thinks that we should never tell the kids and that I’m making problems where there doesn’t need to be any, but I’m sick thinking about him having a child and ignoring him because he isn’t as “legitimate” as ours, as well as his mother struggling to be a single mom when the father lives right next door. I also think the kids deserve to know, and they’ll need all three of us to parent them through the heartbreak of this revelation. My husband disagrees, and the other mother of his child doesn’t want to make trouble and says she doesn’t need anything from us. What is the best way to get our kids through this with the least amount of trauma, and how can my family do right by this innocent boy we’ve been neglecting for 16 years? Should I be this angry at my husband? He says he did it for me and our kids, but I can’t wrap my head around him abandoning his child like this, and how he thinks he can just forbid the kids from seeing each other without dealing with anything. —Incest Under Duress Dear I.U.D., My heart breaks for you and these kids, and I’m trying really, really hard not to write out everything I’m thinking about your husband and his son’s mother, but most especially your husband, but also his son’s mother, because WHAT THE WHAT. Regardless of the logic behind their respective decisions to keep the paternity of this young man a secret, what these two people have done to you, and to their own children, is incredibly cruel, selfish, and short-sighted. Your husband not only abdicated his responsibility to this child; he watched his mother raise him alone, watched you befriend this woman, watched his two children become so close to one another that they became romantically entangled, and did seemingly nothing to prevent this from happening (such as, I don’t know, moving the family away at the point when he’d established that he wasn’t going to be a father to his son). I’m not saying your husband is a bitch, because you don’t need to hear me say that. You know your husband is a bitch. A cowardly, selfish, trifling-ass bitch. You all could have reckoned with the results of his indiscretion years ago. Maybe that would have led to a divorce, maybe it would have let to a harmonious co-parenting situation. But we’ll never get to know that because your husband is a weak-ass bitch, a weak-ass bitch of the highest order. Without knowing you, I’m confident that you deserve so much more from the person who shares your bed, and again, I am so sorry that you’ve found yourself left to sort through the mess these two people have made. This is not a situation that you can, or should have to, fix or navigate on your own without some proper support. Furthermore, while you know that the right thing to do is to disclose this information to these kids so that they can begin the long journey toward healing, you are not this poor boy’s parent and you do not have the right to decide when his young world gets ripped from under his feet. I don’t know anything about how he feels about not having a father around (so he thought), but this is one of the most devastating scenarios I’ve come across in this column, and I can only imagine how he will react. He may want to beat up your husband, and who on earth would blame him. If you do not have a therapist, you should get one ASAP. This is a lot for anyone to have to deal with, especially combined with the weight of knowing what these children do not. You and your husband must enter counseling, if there is hope of salvaging your own relationship (it isn’t my place to advise you on that, but I don’t think anyone would blame you if you wanted to move on) and, most urgently, in order to figure out a way to move forward with this information so that you can put an end to the romantic relationship between these siblings and create as much peace for them as possible. I don’t know a scenario in which you convince the kids to accept that they cannot date without telling them the truth, for why else (short of your daughter’s very logical guess, racism) would you want to keep them apart? (Also, if your daughter’s mind immediately went to racism, I wonder if there have been any past indications that her dad has a problem with Black people … while having a whole entire secret Black son next door. I hate this man for what he’s done to y’all, truly.) I don’t think there’s anything she can say that would be a sufficient defense of her choices, but you ought to talk to your “friend” as well. Hear from her why she chose to raise her child alone as opposed to demanding your husband’s participation. Again, I am in agreement with you that the truth is the only story to tell the kids, but there also may be some things you don’t know about this woman’s life or emotional state that have to be taken into consideration. Do not try and manage this alone, I am pleading with you. Please look to the guidance of a professional, find a trusted loved one to confide in, and remember: You didn’t do this, the kids’ romance didn’t do this, and you must be as kind to yourself as possible as you work toward figuring out what comes next. Wishing you every bit of luck, please keep us posted. —Jamilah Lemieux From: My Daughter Is in Love With Our Neighbor—Who Is Also Her Secret Half-Brother. (Oct. 23, 2020) Dear Care and Feeding, My wife lets our 4-year-old son pee on the tree in the yard when he’s outside playing, rather than having to go inside. I think it’s weird. She says that’s what boys do. I certainly was not raised to just pee where I wanted, unless it was an emergency and there wasn’t a bathroom around. I know he’s young, but I’d prefer to not let this become a habit. Is this a battle I should keep fighting? —To Pee or Not to Pee Dear T.P.o.N.t.P, OK, pee-pee Hamlet. For the record, I don’t think peeing on a tree is “weird.” Peeing outdoors is fun for all genders and ages. To me this seems very NBD. However, as with all low-stakes parenting conflicts between married people, the real problem here is not pee but consistency. You two need to present a united front—in general, not just about where it’s OK to urinate. Living with two different sets of rules can be confusing for kids, and even scary. With that in mind, communicate, compromise, and don’t get pissed off over something so silly. —Emily Gould From: My Wife Says It’s Normal for Our Son to Pee in the Yard. (Nov. 9, 2020.) Dear Care and Feeding, My 4-year-old son, Derek, has an absolute constant need for attention. He cannot go five minutes without needing attention from my husband or me. I promise you, he gets plenty—he’s home two days a week (the other three days are in day care, which he seems to really enjoy: He’s excited to go in the morning and always happy when we pick him up, so I can’t imagine that’s the cause), weekends are usually centered around family activities, we have family time every evening, we praise him often (when appropriate), but it never seems to be enough. He can’t sit and entertain himself—he is constantly asking, “Mommy/Daddy, come look at this, come watch me do this, play this with me … “ He interrupts us when we’re talking to each other or other adults, despite our constantly reminding him, Derek, I told you I’m talking to X and that I will look at your painting when I’m done, please stop asking me. If we tell him that we need to vacuum/clean/etc., and to please play with his toys (or watch TV, or whatever) until we are finished, he constantly runs up to ask if we’re done yet. The other day, two of my friends were over with their children, a girl who is three months older than Derek, and a boy who is six months younger than him. I wistfully observed how both of these kids played for a solid 25 minutes without once asking for Mommy. I almost cried in frustration every time Derek came running up for some reason or another (none of them emergencies or immediate needs). We love Derek so much, he is the light of our lives, but I can’t help feel resentful sometimes. I don’t know how to handle this and be more firm without making him feel bad. Please help! —Can I Just Have 10 Minutes? Dear 10 Minutes, It can be tough for only children, because they don’t have a peer nearby to play with or share their accomplishments with. But as a parent, you need to lay down some boundaries, or you’re going to create a monster and lose your mind in the process. Kids are resilient. They won’t curl up and die if they don’t get what they want at all times. You can say, “Sorry, Derek. I can’t play with you right now.” You don’t have to give reasons why to soothe his young ego; you can just leave it at that. He may cry and beg, but you have to be strong and ignore his wishes. Eventually, he’ll learn to become more independent, but it will never happen if you’re at his beck and call. It’s also not at all unreasonable to tell him he’s going to have an hour of “alone playtime” in his room each day. Turn it into something fun and calming for him. What is Derek into? Dinosaurs? Sports? Art? Whatever it is, I’d ensure he has enough solo activities based on his interests—activity books, Legos, STEM apps for kids, etc. Put these options together in a bin, or in a spot in his room, and give him free rein to choose what it is that he wants to play with. Don’t budge on this. It may take him a while to get into the groove of the new routine, but I promise you that he won’t explode into a million pieces if you leave him alone. Most importantly, you have to do this, or your mental health will be shot. How can you expect to be a good parent to Derek if you’re resentful and exhausted all of the time? The word no is the most powerful tool we have in our parenting toolboxes, and we shouldn’t be afraid to use it. —Doyin Richards From: My Brother Insists on Always Carrying His Gun, Even Around Kids. (Dec. 29, 2020) Dear Care and Feeding, Dear Care and Feeding, My ex-boyfriend and I were in an on-and-off relationship for six years. We’re both in our late 30s, and we both want kids. We’ve gotten to the point where we know that we can’t work in a relationship, even though we care about each other very deeply. I feel like it’s too late for me to find a partner to have kids with, and during our breakup conversation I told him I was devastated that I might lose the opportunity to have a child. He called me this afternoon and suggested that we have a kid together, but just stay broken up. I told him I’d think about it. I know we can coparent effectively and have similar values. Our relationship doesn’t work for many reasons: We have wildly different sex drives and preferences; he feels like I don’t give him enough attention due to my busy career; and I’m much cleaner than him, and he isn’t willing to change that. It has nothing to do with our communication, and I know he’d be an amazing father, which is part of why I stuck around for so long. Is doing this as crazy as it sounds? My best friend used the word “unhinged” when I pitched it to her over text … —Mom at Any Cost? Dear Mom at Any Cost, After the dissolution of a serious late-30s relationship, it’s natural to panic a bit about your pregnancy and parenting prospects. It’s OK to let yourself feel that sense of urgency and uncertainty about the future. But I assure you, uncertainty about whom you may or may not meet in the future is not a reason to tie yourself to parenting with someone after you’ve broken up. You don’t know what the future holds, but you do know what the past has already taught you. You and your ex have fundamental differences of opinion on some pretty major issues. If he has a problem with how much attention you paid him during the relationship, who’s to say he won’t also resent the amount of attention you’ll pay to your child (or how much attention the child pays you)? He already seems to take issue with your priorities—that won’t change in coparenting. It’s also noteworthy that having this child together was his suggestion, not yours. Is he using your worry about your pregnancy and parenting timeline as a way to extend the time he spends being a part of your life? Would having a child with someone you know you don’t get along with well enough to date be a codependent and unhappy situation? Try not to dismiss these questions out of hand. Really think about them before making any choices out of a sense of urgency or hopelessness. There are several ways that you can become a parent, if you’re open to them. You can be a single parent by choice through adoption or surrogacy and parent in community with people with whom you have no complicated history or romantic past. You could meet and fall in love with someone who already has kids and become part of their parenting village. You have options. —Stacia L. Brown From: I’ll Never Get Back Together With My Ex. I Still Want to Have His Child. (Feb. 28, 2022) Dear Care and Feeding, Dear Care and Feeding, I have a 2-year-old daughter who is lucky to have two sets of grandparents who love and adore her. However, my mother-in-law will occasionally try to emotionally manipulate my daughter, and I’m not quite sure how to address it. She knows we don’t want to force hugs or physical interaction, and I think she tries to respect it. But she will say things like “That makes me sad” or “It is a holiday so please give me a hug or do [x]”. This is really emotionally manipulative. Is there a way for me to diplomatically shut it down? I could ask my husband to talk to her about it, but I know she’ll get defensive. My MIL does this to everyone in her life and I’m not expecting her to change. I just don’t want my daughter to have to deal with it. Is there a way to counter this in the moment? Ideally, I could bat away the comment and make clear my daughter isn’t responsible for another person’s emotions without making it a commentary on how MIL interacts with people? Is there an inoffensive boundary statement we can use to shut down emotionally manipulative statements that don’t sound too critical of the adult? I know I sound like I’m bending over backwards to avoid conflict, but I think it would be the most effective approach if possible. — Beating Around the Boundaries Dear Beating Around the Boundaries, As a Crazy Consent Mom™️, I am SO glad that it’s becoming more mainstream to teach children about consent and bodily autonomy from a young age! Because this is a fairly new parenting concept, it does sometimes cause conflict with those in older generations who are not familiar with just why it’s so important. I wonder if your MIL understands the reasoning behind your decision not to force physical intimacy on your daughter? Explaining to her why this is important to you and your husband, in an empathetic but direct conversation, is worth a try. But there’s a good chance you still won’t get through to her, in which case I’m of the belief that the only way to enforce boundaries effectively is to do so clearly and firmly. This is really hard for many of us! You can soften your statement by acknowledging and validating your MIL’s feelings by saying something like, “I can see it’s hard for you when she doesn’t feel like giving a hug. However, in our family, we believe in teaching consent, so please respect her decision.” You may want to ask your daughter if she feels like offering a less intimate form of interaction, like a high-five, instead. Ultimately, adults should not be relying on physical affection from children to feel loved, or get their feelings hurt when children do not feel like engaging in that physical affection. And you owe it to your daughter to maintain your boundaries when your MIL pushes back on them because she needs to know not only that she has the right to say “no,” but just as vitally, that her “no” will be respected. —Emily McCombs From: My Mother-in-Law Will Not Stop Ignoring the Most Important Boundary We’ve Set With Our Daughter. (Dec. 28, 2022) Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My partner (32M) and I (26F) have a 5-year-old daughter together. Recently, she has started to occasionally say things about her dad when it’s just us two together. She’s been saying things like: “Sometimes I just don’t like some people…like dad,” “I only love one person a day. Today it’s you and not dad,” or “I just love you so much I can’t love dad.” I always try to gently coax more information out of her about how she’s feeling, and I never shame nor get mad at her. It seems to me that she’s wrestling internally with two opposing feelings she has about her father. I don’t suspect he is physically or emotionally harming her whatsoever. Instead, I think that our daughter probably feels this way because he lets her (and me) down quite a bit. He isn’t very reliable or responsible and he can be extremely selfish sometimes. He’s also almost always preoccupied with a screen, and when he isn’t, he’s absorbed in whatever task he’s doing and unable to divert his attention for even a moment. I truly believe this is the source of our daughter’s frustrations. However, she hasn’t been able to articulate the reason she feels this way towards her father, she only says, “I don’t know.” I have broached this subject with my partner on a few different occasions, trying to inform him as gently, but honestly, as possible. However, I don’t know if he fully understood because he still acts the same way. I know he loves our daughter more than anything, and I truly believe he can and would change for her. So how can I convey to him how important it is that he changes? Should I be blunter, but still mindful of his feelings? What could I say that would make him start being (or at least try to be) the father that our daughter needs? Should I even intervene at all? Or is there another way I could try to handle this? I just want our daughter to be able to feel that she loves us equally because we both have given her equal reasons to. I just want what’s best for her. —Mixed-Up Mama Dear Mixed-Up, I suspect that the reason you aren’t getting a lot of specific information from your daughter is that abstract, open-ended questions are really hard for a 5-year-old to grasp. Similarly, I imagine that your gentle feedback hasn’t made much of an impact on your husband because vague “be better” guidance is difficult to act on. Especially if that feedback can be written off as the idiosyncratic comments of a young child. I am a big fan of parenting evaluations from my kids. Asking for direct feedback on my “performance” as a mom has been so helpful in confirming areas where I need to do better and reassuring me that some of my transgressions aren’t as big as I might have made them in my head. I don’t do this on any kind of schedule in any formal way, but I try to have a short, focused conversation a couple of times a year. Outside of that, I’ve done my best to establish the kind of parent-child relationship where I ask for feedback and input a lot, as the article linked above suggests. It levels the playing field without sacrificing any kind of authority, and it models a positive relationship with feedback, which I hope my boys will take into their school and workplaces as they grow. Your daughter is still a little young for robust conversations of this kind, but I do think there are ways you can start dipping your toes in. Maybe make a list of behaviors you and your husband do, and ask your daughter to give thumbs up, thumbs down, or thumbs neutral to each one—or you can use a version of the FACES Pain Rating Scale. Getting some simple quantitative data might help you confirm how your child feels about her dad and why, and it could also be more persuasive to your partner. That said, 5-year-olds are fickle and can have favorite caretakers—and they aren’t afraid of making their feelings known. I think it’s important to reflect on what you’re seeing and hearing from your daughter, because I suspect that what is going on isn’t that she doesn’t love her dad, but rather that she’s experiencing a strong preference for you. Those are very different things but don’t appear that different to a young child, so the vocabulary gets muddled. This article provides some great perspectives that can help you hone in on what your daughter is trying to express. If you conclude that your issue is really that she likes you better, the article also provides some ideas for how you can encourage your husband to even those feelings out a bit. Final thought: Regardless of how your daughter feels about your husband’s behavior, it sounds like you at least have a few concerns. It might be worth thinking about whether your daughter’s remarks are ultimately confirming your own state of mind. In that case, you may do well to own your feelings and seek some marriage counseling to get on the same page. Good luck! —Allison Price From: My Daughter Claims She Loves Me More Than Her Dad. I Know the Reason Why. (Dec. 25, 2023) Dear Care and Feeding, My parents come across as amazing people. They are both well-known academics in their fields and active in social justice circles. They use much of their generational wealth for philanthropic projects. My mom sits on the board of a famous charity; my dad is liked wherever he goes. They were also profoundly, viciously abusive to me when I was growing up, and they kicked me out when I was 17 and they found out I was gay. They made efforts to reconnect with me a few years later, and I’m ashamed to say I accepted money from them to avoid being homeless again. They told me that as long as I remained single, they were willing to financially support me. I abided by their terms, took a lot more abuse, and got a college degree. The second I was able to support myself and get scholarships for my postgraduate education, I stopped speaking to them. At that point, they told everyone who would listen that their son cruelly cut them off and was a drug addict who stole from them (not remotely true). It has been years now, and I still encounter people in my own field who know my parents or know of them, and think they’re wonderful people. When I’ve briefly indicated that we don’t speak anymore, I get pressed for reasons. If I invoke homophobia, people actually argue with me (this simply cannot be true, they insist). It’s unbearable. My time in therapy didn’t prepare me for this sort of exchange. What are you supposed to do when you encounter people who defend your abusers? How should I respond? My policy has been to grimace and disengage, but people still press. I’m worried I might snap someday and reveal horrible details of my upbringing. Can you advise on how to handle this and what to say when this happens? —Son of Champagne Social Justice Warriors Dear Son, I’m so sorry your parents failed you, harmed you, and continue to wrong you. You’re right, of course: They’re hypocrites, and no amount of social justice activism or good-cause philanthropy makes up for being abusive parents. I don’t have to tell you that, I know. But while I imagine that it’s intensely painful to hear people talk about how wonderful they are, when you know better, I don’t think it’s serving you to (even) “briefly indicate” that you are estranged from them. It invites a question you don’t want to be asked, because you know what the reaction to your response will be. Now, if the person going on and on about your parents’ greatness is someone you feel close to—or would like to get closer to—then it’s worth a real conversation, in which you are honest (and you do reveal important, though horrible, details about your life, your upbringing, and your parents’ false fronts). But if—as I think you’re saying—the people you’re having these conversations with are colleagues in your field with whom you don’t have a personal relationship, scholarly acquaintances you run into once a year at conferences, or complete strangers with whom you’re exchanging polite chatter, who bring up your parents and sing their praises, I would suggest you nod, say something noncommittal, and move on to another subject. If they insist on going on about these paragons of excellence, a blank look is a nice rejoinder—as is a shrug in response to, “It must be so wonderful, having such parents!” Only the rudest of people would press on (and it’s perfectly OK to excuse yourself and walk away from such people). In other words: You don’t have to engage with others on this painful subject. Not unless you want to. And then, if you do, let it be on your terms, for your own reasons. —Michelle Herman From: My Parents Are Famous in Their Profession. No One Knows the Truth About Them. (June 1, 2024) Dear Care and Feeding, I have been married four years, and have three stepkids, aged 17, 15, and 13. Their mom is a source of conflict because even after their divorce years ago, she felt the need to demand my husband dance on command. It wouldn’t even involve the children; if she had car trouble, he needed to drop everything to fix it. If she had a broken toilet, she was calling him at 10 p.m. A big part of her hatred of me was that I encouraged my husband to find his spine and keep solid boundaries. And it nuked whatever positive relationship I had with the kids. In family therapy, she straight-up said that she felt I was trying to “steal” her children. My stepdaughter confessed it didn’t matter if she liked me or not, she had to be loyal to her mom. So I stepped back. I make small talk with the kids and retreat when they come over. My husband struggles with this and says it makes him feel like a single parent. I say I am not to be dragged back in the crossfire. My full-time job recently went fully remote, while my husband was forced to find another job after he was downsized, and his ex had her hours changed … This has caused problems with the kids getting to and from school. My husband is pressuring me to take over the pickups and drop-offs. I think this is nuts. My work is extremely strict about employees logging on on the dot. Driving to pick up the kids, sitting in traffic at two different schools, and then driving home can take up to an hour and a half—running directly over my work hours. The kids are used to being chauffeured everywhere. They don’t ride their bikes or take the local transit. The older two kids don’t even want to learn how to drive. School is a 20-minute walk from their mother’s house and a 35-minute walk from ours. The routes are perfectly safe, but my husband acts like I am throwing the kids out on the highway. My husband and I keep fighting about this. I’ve been told I need to step up, and then I get slapped down because I overstepped. The boundary always gets moved, and it is always my fault. I love my husband and I care about the kids, but this is ridiculous. What should I do? —Stuck in Drop-Off Hell Dear Stuck, What is there to argue about? If you drive the kids to school and pick them up, you will be fired. It is utterly ridiculous for anyone to expect you to give up your job in order to drive children to school. Tell the children’s parents they will need to make other accommodations, and inform them you will not be discussing it further. The only data that truly matters—your work is strict about being online on time, and school drop-off and pickup occur during work hours—makes up merely 10.7 percent of the words in your letter. You didn’t really ask what to do about all the other stuff—an ex-wife who thinks you’re out to steal her children, stepchildren who don’t like you and who refuse to take any initiative, a husband who doesn’t respect you or your career—but my advice would be to dump them all. Hope this helps. —Dan Kois From: Everyone Suddenly Expects Me to Provide an Impossible Service for My Stepkids. (Sept. 25, 2024) Dear Care and Feeding, Is it just me, or does everyone have advice on how we should parent? From family to strangers on the internet–it feels like we’re constantly bombarded with opinions on what’s “right” or “wrong.” How do you handle all the outside noise? Do you have a personal parenting philosophy you stick to, or do you adapt as you go? For me, I’ve found that focusing on what works best for my family and tuning out the rest helps keep my sanity intact. But I’m always open to learning from others’ experiences, too. What’s your strategy for staying grounded amidst all the advice?! —No More Unsolicited Advice, Please Dear No More Advice, It is NOT just you! And it never stops! And even if people aren’t offering straight up ‘advice,’ they are voicing their judgments about how other parents do things all the time, either by criticizing them or praising their own parenting achievements. It is so annoying! This may not be the most exciting answer for you but: My strategy is the same as yours. I haven’t read a parenting book since my daughter was born 12 years ago (although I have “Queen Bees and Wannabees” and something by Dr. Becky around here somewhere). And when it comes to learning from others, I generally observe what my closest friends are doing with their kids and draw from their successes and failures; I have especially leveraged the experiences of friends with older kids. I do solicit advice from these trusted friends when I need it, but I really try to block out any other unsolicited wisdom thrown at me, and I always have. However, I have had times where I needed support as a parent, and for that I turned to therapy. Because even those of us comfortable with going with our gut can get a little queasy at times. —Hillary Frey From: My Husband’s Mom Tried to Cut Me Off. Now She’s Come Crawling Back. (Oct. 1, 2024). Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and I have long since been retired. Our grandchildren are all grown, and one is expecting what will be our first great grandchild. Our son seemed to be a lifelong bachelor until he met and married “Stacy.” They currently have a 4-year-old and a toddler—and much as we adore them, it is very hard to be around them without help. We just don’t have the energy, mobility, and money to spare to spoil our grandchildren like we did their cousins back in the day. The problem is, this greatly upsets Stacy. Our daughter-in-law will make backhanded comments about how our other grandchildren were obviously our favorites because we did things like watch them all summer or take trips to Disneyland. These days, it is very hard for either of us to bend down and pick up fallen items. When we go shopping, we need to use scooters because just crossing the grocery store is an ordeal. This situation hurts us because our son keeps echoing his wife. We ended up having a huge fight because Stacy wanted to go to some convention and our son didn’t feel comfortable watching both children for a three-day weekend without help. My husband and I told him that wouldn’t be possible for us to come over and help. Firstly, their guest room is on the second floor and the stairs are steep. Plus, the guest bathroom is downstairs. We have to get up several times a night to use the bathroom. Our conversation got heated and then Stacy accused us out of the blue of trying to sabotage her career. Stacy has been trying to start her own business since she married our son and every attempt went nowhere. My husband got angry and told Stacy that she should stop “playing” and get a real job like everyone else. I understand it was hurtful, but I didn’t think it was enough for my son and his wife to completely cut us off. But they will not answer the phone and refuse to even send pictures of their children. We are heartbroken and our other children are furious at their brother. We don’t want our family to split apart over pettiness like this. We already sent Stacy a card and flowers for her birthday and apologized. No response. What else can we do? —85 in Arizona Dear 85, 85!!! 85, with mobility issues, and this daughter-in-law can’t see that you can’t possibly be in charge of a preschooler and a toddler, or even be a daddy’s helper if it means you must stay in a guest room where you have to take a flight of stairs at night to pee? More and more Americans these days seem to have the mistaken idea that any problem with your body is in your mind, surmountable if you really wish it to be, and perhaps that’s Stacy’s issue. But she had kids with a guy who had older parents. She’s running up against biology, and in denial about what that actually means. Maybe she’s under a lot of pressure to show that she can succeed in her business, maybe she’s annoyed that her husband is apparently only minimally useful in the arena of childcare, or maybe she’s just plain unreasonable. I can’t figure out from afar what is wrong with this lady. But she’s married to your son—who, by the way, is the one who “doesn’t feel comfortable” watching the kids for three days without help. He could do any number of other things to fix this problem, besides expecting you to visit. My number one suggestion would be that he should simply buck up! But he could also hire paid outside help to come cover him for periods of time during the weekend, so he has rest breaks; or make plans to order in meals so he doesn’t have to cook; or band together with local parent friends to make plans to meet at a playground during the days, so he has some adult contact and a pressure valve for that much togetherness. Some combination of these strategies would be what a mother in this situation would do. Why can’t he? It also bothers me that your son doesn’t seem to register, or care, how big the disconnect between your reality and Stacy’s understanding of your life has become. The fight between Stacy and your husband is a red herring in this story, though it was likely hurtful of your husband to say what he said. It’s your son who’s the issue. I’m glad that your other kids seem to be more understanding of your situation. Perhaps they, who hopefully are not also blocked from his phone, could help explain it to him. —Rebecca Onion From: My Daughter-in-Law Demands I Babysit Her Toddlers for Days on End. I’m 85. (March 27, 2025) Dear Care and Feeding, I know the general rule is don’t comment on other people’s parenting and don’t give unsolicited parenting advice. But! Can you ask a parent to change the way they behave in front of you and your kid? I have some friends, “Elo” and “Raven,” whose 3-year-old, “Jax,” is one of my 3-year-old’s best friends. Elo and Raven divorced when Jax was about 1 ½—thank god, because the tension was through the roof when we all hung out. I love hanging out with Elo and Jax, but I really struggle when I spend time with Raven. Jax has autism and some developmental delays, but in many ways they also behave like any other 3-year-old. Jax is verbal, responds to questions and redirection, and is constantly learning and changing. Every time I see them, I can tell they’ve made leaps in their development, even if their speech and reactions are not the same as a neurotypical 3-year-old. But Raven is always making comments in front of Jax and my child about how Jax “doesn’t understand anything that goes on around them,” and constantly compares our kids: “oh, it’s so nice that your kid takes turns/is calm/knows their name; Jax doesn’t know how to do that and probably never will.” It’s painful to witness, because it’s so clear that Jax understands everything, even if their responses are not exactly the same as my kid’s. I’m sure it’s self-preservation from having a child with more challenges than Raven expected, but Jax is a smart, sweet kid and Raven needs to see that! I don’t want my child to hear Raven comparing them with Jax. I don’t think it’s appropriate, and I want them to stop doing it. I also want them to stop telling me Jax doesn’t understand anything. Can I ask for these boundaries to be in place when my child and I are present? I’m thinking about writing Raven a letter, because they generally don’t respond well to feedback. It doesn’t feel appropriate to involve Elo even though Elo is also Jax’s parent, because Elo and Raven are divorced. —Kids Shouldn’t Be Compared Dear Shouldn’t Be Compared, This would bum me out, too. As the fellow parent of an autistic child, the most generous (possibly too generous?) interpretation I can muster is that Raven may be in pretty ableist medical and/or educational environments that encourage them to do exactly what they’re doing: compare their kid to others, and pay more attention to deficits than strengths. Of course, Raven is allowed to have feelings about Jax’s autism or the support they need. And sure, at least some of Raven’s comments are probably the result of processing those thoughts and feelings aloud, with someone they assume will be somewhat sympathetic (you). But there’s what you feel, and then there’s what you do with those feelings. Raven is making whatever problems she’s having Jax’s problems, too (and yours!). It just isn’t appropriate to vent your fears or frustrations about your disabled 3-year-old in front of said 3-year-old—sorry, but you’ve gotta pick a different time, a different place, a different way. When encountering ableist parents (and it’s always sadder but unsurprising to me when they have disabled kids themselves), I usually go with one of two options. The easy one is distance: If the relationship isn’t super important to me, I might just let it go, because my time is finite and I don’t need to expose myself or my kid to any more ableism than we already encounter. The other option is (somewhat grudging) education—I don’t mean that I try to engage them in Disability 101 or whatever, but I’ll correct false assertions or push back when needed. I might go so far as to explain why something they said about autism is wrong, or perhaps cite a source like the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network. I have also had to ask some parents to talk to their own kids about ableism, after those kids said or did something harmful to my kid. Sometimes, though, these things lead us back to distance—either because the other parent/family’s ableism is a dealbreaker for me, or because the other parent just finds me super annoying. This is all to say that if you don’t want to hear ableist stuff from a fellow parent, and you don’t want your kid hearing it, either—or taking your silence for agreement—I think it’s OK for you to say something. And I don’t even really think it is about Jax’s parenting; it’s more about how you want to parent your own child. You seem to want them to appreciate and enjoy all kinds of people. You don’t want them to grow up ableist. You don’t want them to think worse of Jax or other kids like them—you want them to respect and see whatever is good in every kid they meet, and not assume that autistic or disabled kids can’t be smart or fun or wonderful friends. You can think about whether you really want to try to let Raven know about those things you want for your kid, and how—in a letter; in person; parent to parent; etc. But as you probably already know, it might not lead to the outcome you want. Raven might not be in a place where they can hear what you’re saying, or view their situation differently. They might also get mad at you, no matter how kind or careful you try to be. And in the end, they’re going to parent how they choose to parent, and they and Jax will bear the consequences. If they keep making their ableist remarks and it turns out to be a dealbreaker for you, then you may need to decide whether your kid mostly sees Jax during Elo’s time rather than Raven’s. You don’t have the power to change Raven, but you do get to choose what you’re willing to put up with, and what you want your child to hear and absorb. —Nicole Chung From: My Friend Keeps Doing a Really Awful Thing in Front of Our Kids. I Need This to Stop.(April 17, 2025) Dear Care and Feeding, My wife, “Minerva,” and I have a 6-year-old son, “Blaine.” When Blaine was just under 1, Minerva and I began to have issues getting along. I started an affair with “Wendy,” Minerva’s sister. Less than a year into the affair, Wendy ended up pregnant and had a son, “Cameron.” She told everyone she conceived through a sperm donor. The affair lasted another two years, when we decided we both could not continue on with it. The boys are close and love spending time together. The trouble is that as they have gotten older, they are resembling each other more and more—and they both look like me. Luckily Blaine is blond like his mother, which makes it slightly less obvious, though not much. Lately Wendy and I have been taking steps to try and keep them apart, or at least have them see each other for playdates and outings without Minerva present. However, we know we can’t keep this up. Wendy suggested that should could request a transfer to another state through work. We both agreed that would be the best thing, even if I don’t get to see my younger son grow up. Would there ever be an appropriate time to confess the truth to my wife, or is this one of those things you take to your grave? Minerva and I have managed to repair our relationship in the last couple of years, and I don’t want to jeopardize that. —No Such Thing as the Best of Both Worlds Dear No Such Thing, Yikes, man. They are brothers. It’s her sister. You would separate brothers and sisters to cover up your own transgressions? Just come clean. Living with big lies like this is a waste of time. They always come out eventually, and time will only make you both look more deceitful. Why not fess up now so you can begin repairing the multiple relationships involved and maybe save a few? A white lie is one that doesn’t hurt people, but making your wife’s sister move to another town with your own son to save the marriage that you jeopardized in the first place is definitely hurting people. Separating two kids who might otherwise form an amazing, lasting bond is hurting people. Grow up and fess up. If your wife breaks up with you and disowns her own sister, that’s up to her, but at least she’ll be partially responsible for the broken relationships instead of being left wondering why her own sister and nephew fled town. You’ve shown tremendous disrespect for your wife by lying to her, and you’re continuing to disrespect her by proposing to continue lying to her while her sister skips town with her nephew in order to purposefully see her less often. If Minerva ever wishes aloud that she saw her sister and nephew more often, are you just going to say, “Oh boy yeah, that sucks,” and continue living this lie? It’s not right. The appropriate time to confess is now. Here’s how I’d approach the conversation: If the boys already look alike, she has to be a little suspicious already. Has she ever said anything? If she has, tell her that she was right. Make her feel validated in her suspicions. Tell her that the only thing stopping you from saying something earlier was exactly what you wrote—that you didn’t want to jeopardize your repaired relationship. Tell her you realize now this was selfish and wrong. And sure, tell her you want to stay together. But also be clear that you want to do what’s in the best interest of the kids to make sure their relationship can blossom. It will probably feel strange not to be thinking only of yourself, but give it a go. (For the kids!) You and Wendy did this together, so you may want to consider approaching Minerva together to let her know. She may feel ganged up on, but it may also help her to have it all out in one conversation where she can spread the blame to both of you. She’ll also know that you’re both telling the same story. If you approach her alone, I think it’s likely that you’ll chicken out or blame Wendy. Also, I know this is hindsight, but I just have to say that sleeping with your sister-in-law is a totally uncreative, lazy, loser, boneheaded move. If you’re going to have an affair, cast a wider net and get off the family tree. Preferably a different orchard altogether. —Greg Lavallee From: My Son And His Cousin Look Exactly Alike. My Wife Can Never Know Why. (June 12, 2025) Dear Care and Feeding, The other day my 8-year-old daughter, “Samantha,” said she doesn’t want her mom, my wife, “Zoe,” taking her places anymore. She asked if I would take her instead. When I asked her why, she said that her mom had promised to take her shopping after school that day, but that it didn’t happen. The reason? “Mom always says we’ll go, but it takes forever or we don’t go at all because she won’t get off the phone and it’s not fair,” she said. Just before they were supposed to leave for the shopping trip, Zoe got a phone call. She spent until almost dinner time talking, so the trip ended up cancelled. My wife does this to me with some regularity as well. There have been plenty of times where we need to go someplace and she will literally talk the day away, so I understand Samantha’s frustration. Since I work during the day, taking my daughter places myself isn’t feasible during the week. And she does have a point: I think it is pretty unfair of Zoe to hold everyone up because she is unwilling to tell one of her friends or her mother or her sister she’s heading out the door. I’ve requested that she save the conversations for later after we’ve done our errands or gone wherever. Her promises to put her phone on voicemail are never kept. Any suggestions? —Phone Fixation Dear Phone, I like this one because it is an old-school problem. Moms always used to be in the kitchen talking on the phone with the stretchy spiral cord, didn’t they? Chopping something or other with the handset lodged between their ear and shoulder, occasionally saying “mm-hmm” or “exactly.” Perhaps looking up to whisper something like, “There are leftovers in the fridge,” gesturing with the knife, if you came in looking for a snack. Good times. In some sense, I’m glad your wife is keeping this folkway alive. It shouldn’t interfere so egregiously with the rest of the family’s needs, of course. I think the first thing I’d do is mention to your wife exactly what your daughter said to you. Don’t do it when any of your kids are within earshot; non-accusatory recountings of one’s kids being made to feel sad or let down are tremendous currency in marital disputes. I’d also suggest that you make sure you aren’t similarly getting distracted by your own phone, either yapping or scrolling—being the change you wish to see and all that. Then, the next time you need to leave for an errand and she’s dawdling on a conversation, just leave (without making a big hostile show about it). The realization that she’s legitimately missing out on time with her kids (ROMO?) is probably, in the end, what will get her to change her behavior. Maybe it could even be something that she and your daughter can build camaraderie by “solving” together, with an agreement about a hand signal or code word or some other way of signaling, “GOD, Mom, it’s like really time to go!” —Ben Mathis-Lilley From: My Wife’s Unconventional Phone Obsession Is Upending Our Lives. She Refuses to See It. (June 5, 2025) Dear Care and Feeding, We’re struggling with my 5 year olds sensitivity to water right now. It seems like it’s getting worse, and I’m not sure what to do. She’s always disliked getting water in her eyes but loves swimming (with goggles). She’s recently been having a tough time after baths, saying that she doesn’t want to take a bath because her pajamas and pillow get wet. We’ve been using a hair towel, which has helped with that issue. (Baths are fine now as long as we have the hair towel, which she wears to bed.) She’s having a very tough time with her clothes getting wet (theme park rides, rain, spilled water, etc.). Now she’s started saying she doesn’t want to go potty because she doesn’t want to wash her hands. These seem like sensory issues, right? Or are these just normal 5-year-old things? Should we be having her evaluated? She doesn’t seem to fit other characteristics for Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). She definitely leans anxious, so that could potentially be linked. I would appreciate any guidance you may have to share. —Water Troubles Dear Water Troubles, Sensory issues, just like autism, are on a spectrum. Your daughter may not have autism at all, but could still benefit from help that comes with a sensory-related diagnosis. For example, an occupational therapist might diagnose her with sensory processing disorder and would be able to give you tips on how best to help her. There is so much help out there that we don’t always utilize—sometimes, because we don’t want to overreact, or we want to be able to handle it all. My son does have autism, and over the years, I did so much on my own, thinking that I had to figure it all out. I’m the parent, right? So I must be the best person to get to the bottom of things. Wrong. That hasn’t always been the case. Therapists, teachers, aides, and more have been instrumental in my son’s development because they catch things that I don’t. They have tips, tricks, and behaviors they also see in other kids they work with that can help us parents. So lean into the help that’s out there for you! You’ve done such a great job thinking through how to help your daughter alone. (The hair towel trick is so smart!) Just imagine what you can do with a team. I would start with her primary care provider, and if she’s in school, also mention to her teacher what you’re about to start working on and let everyone work together to help you both. —Arionne Nettles From: My 7-Year-Old’s Latest Obsession Is Uh, Very Adult. I Definitely Didn’t Teach Her That. (Feb, 23, 2026) Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and I just had our first child three months ago. The thing is that my husband curses endlessly (and I will confess, so do I). I’m worried about our son picking it up if we normalize it. I told him we need to start getting into the practice of cleaning up our language. My husband says he’ll work on it when our son is a little older, arguing that he barely knows what’s going on around him right now. Should I insist, or am I making a big deal of something that really isn’t an issue? —Say Goodbye to Sailor Talk? Dear Sailor Talk, I’m going to admit that I curse around my kids and have done so for a long time. They have heard me yell at the television during Eagles games from a very young age so they picked up a few things. I never got a handle on it and simply told them that sometimes grownups use foul language due to frustration, but it’s not to be repeated in public. However, a few weeks ago, our youngest, age 6, entered a tub he found too hot and exclaimed, “Jesus Christ, I almost burned my nuts off.” Whoops. My wife shot me a look and I had to quickly remind our youngest that there are better ways to let me know the bath needs to be cooler and to please not use that language around us and ESPECIALLY around other people. All this is to say, yes, I’d set the tone right away and tell your husband to watch his mouth. I didn’t think it was a big deal but now I’ve got a 6-year-old who talks like Richard Pryor around the house. I also won’t be surprised if I get a call from his kindergarten teacher about his cursing problem and that will totally be on me. So do what you think is best, and use my behavior as a cautionary tale. —A.J. Daulerio From: My Son’s Desired Birthday Theme Makes My Stomach Turn. It’s My Husband’s Fault. (April 22, 2026) More Parenting Advice From Slate My son, like an increasingly large number of kids, was conceived via in vitro fertilization as opposed to the more … canonical method, and I was wondering how and when to explain this to him. It was still my husband’s sperm and my egg, but I’m sure he’s going to find out eventually that his arrival took a little more heavy lifting than “normal,” so what’s the best way to handle that convo? Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids Parenting