[Two Pronged] My ex may become my future boss?

Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons. Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer, I am a fitness instructor at the best fitness chain in the country. I have been doing this for many years. My sister, who just came back from Dubai after working there for five years as a fitness trainer herself, askedme to take her place. She said the people she worked with and her bosses were very nice. I also know the pay is so much higher than I could get here, even after working for 10+ years. I was eager to go since money is getting so difficult to earn in the Philippines. But then I discovered that my ex is also working in the same fitness center my sister worked at. He would be my boss there. My ex and I did not break up well. I was the reason. Being young and immature, I did not want to end the relationship. I was very angry about our break up and behaved in a manner a lady would not have done. I am ashamed because he did not deserve such treatment. He is now happily married, with one child. My sister says this should not stop me from going. What do you think? – Allyson Dear Allyson, It seems that you have weighed the pros and cons of working abroad, such as the better pay versus the absence of family and friends, and are happy to embrace the life of an overseas worker. The good news is that you have identified the job; the fly in the ointment is that your ex would be your boss. To make matters worse, your breakup was bad and your behavior was, by your own account, reprehensible so all this is causing you to doubt the wisdom of this move. Now it appears as though your decision depends very significantly upon your sister’s central role in this saga. She was in Dubai and she had the job that you are now considering, she knows your ex, she knows your history with him. And most importantly she is advising you that the breakup should not be a significant obstacle to your taking the job. The question therefore is the extent to which you can rely upon your sister’s assessment of the situation. On this issue we unfortunately have no information so can offer little help but to suggest that you discuss the matter very thoroughly with her before taking a decision. Another factor to take into account is that your ex is now happily married. This should mitigate some of your concern, as should the likelihood that you are now more mature and should now be capable of managing a normal work-based relationship with him. If, however, you still have doubts, there is the comfort that the world offers a lot more opportunities than just this single job in Dubai. As you are already contemplating a move overseas, you probably have the necessary credentials and documents etc. to consider destinations other than Dubai. You may also have contacts with other Filipinos abroad. All in all, you have choices that are not limited to this one position and therefore the chance of employment that will both suit you and come without the baggage of a past relationship. Best of luck,– JAF Baer Dear Allyson, Thank you very much for your letter. Mr Baer, thank you very much also for laying out all the logical pros and cons to her accepting (or refusing) the job offer and thus writing a very good advice column by assuaging most of Allyson’s fears. However, since this is much more than an advice column (or so I like to think 🤔) allow me to add below what I learned from Peter Hollins’s The Science Of Self Discipline (2017) that I feel strongly relates to your situation right now. Of course, I may be overreacting. Maybe you do not have to read Hollis’s book because you have behaved maturely since then and you do not have to change your environment to work in your favor. Think about it. You have accepted sole responsibility for the terrible way your breakup happened and it also seems you have not behaved this immaturely over a man since. Or are you worried that seeing him will trigger the same reactions and you will backslide? If that, indeed, is the case and you are worried you will regress, then remind yourself how hesitant you felt about Dubai in the first place. You can use this hesitance and discomfort as training ground the same way surfers use discomfort as encouragement. Surfers ride the wave of discomfort yet refrain from acting on it. Surfers do not fight the ocean but learn to move with it. How can you do that? Baby steps, Allyson, truly small steps: Actively seek out small doses of discomfort, rejection, cold, boredom, to become familiar with what true discomfort actually feels like, so it stops having so much power over your choices. Finally, be kind to yourself. An unkind you would interpret your past behavior as simple immaturity. Not true. You were probably just operating without a system. Your past failures are not necessarily evidence of a broken character; they are evidence of missing structure. Your goal now is to have a structure. To build habits so consistent and an environment so aligned with your goals that discipline eventually becomes automatic, it becomes your identity. When you reach that point, you do not have to fight yourself every morning, you just become someone who does the thing, because that is who you are now. That shift from willpower to identity, from effort to habit, from struggle to second nature. Do you think, dearest Allyson, that you might be able to do this once you get to Dubai-or even before? Please be kind to yourself. Do not consistently berate yourself because you didn’t structure your environment or discipline yourself so consistently that the old you would’ve behaved immaturely. Do not berate yourself, asking silly questions like: Why did I not realize it then? Why did I have to behave so immaturely when we broke up?!!? Because if you knew then what you do now, of course you would have behaved differently. But you didn’t (behave maturely) because you didn’t (know then what you knew now). The answer is that simple. All the best! – MG Holmes – Rappler.com