[Two Pronged] Her emotional missteps from imagining a future he doesn’t want

Miss F expresses confusion over her emotional reaction to a non-exclusive relationship with a man, feeling a strong connection despite his distance. Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer suggest that Miss F's intense reaction is linked to her pre-existing stress and need for emotional support, emphasizing the importance of self-reflection. They advise her to focus on resolving her personal issues rather than dwelling on the past relationship, highlighting the need for true friendship and emotional intimacy. This is AI-generated. Read the article for full context. Report any errors. Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons. Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer, I’m writing because I’m trying to understand a reaction I recently had that feels completely out of character for me. A few weeks ago, I met someone at a time when I was already under a great deal of stress from work. Being with him gave me a sense of calm that I hadn’t felt in a while. I wasn’t expecting much, but I found myself looking forward to spending time with him because, for a little while, everything else seemed quieter. What confused me was how inconsistent things felt. There were times when he was incredibly warm and affectionate. He would initiate conversations, make plans for things we could do together, and make me feel like he genuinely wanted me in his life. Then, almost without warning, he would become distant. I found myself constantly trying to make sense of the change. Eventually, he told me that he wasn’t looking for an exclusive relationship. He was honest about it, and I respected that. But hearing it felt like the air had been knocked out of me because it didn’t seem to match the closeness I thought we had been building. I realized that, somewhere along the way, I had begun imagining a future that apparently existed only in my own mind. What has surprised me most is the intensity of my reaction. I’ve experienced rejection and heartbreak before, but I’ve usually been able to process them and move on without falling apart. This time has been different. I’ve been struggling to regain my emotional footing, and I can’t fully explain why. I’m wondering whether this reaction has less to do with him and more to do with the state I was already in before we met. Is it possible that the comfort he provided became tied to my need for relief from everything else I was carrying? How should I understand the emotional impact of the inconsistency I experienced? And most importantly, how do I begin moving forward without getting stuck trying to make sense of what happened? Thank you for taking the time to read this. I would greatly appreciate your perspective. Sincerely,Miss F Dear Miss F, First, you need to give yourself credit for the soul-searching you have already undertaken. You have suggested that there is a connection between your state of mind before you met this man (let’s call him Ed) and the outcome of the relationship you then established with him. You have also realized that the reason your reaction to the loss of the relationship, or rather your hopes for it, is greater than previous instances is due to more than just finding that Ed is not the viable long-term partner that you had thought he might be. You have in addition concentrated on yourself rather than tried to blame Ed. He has ultimately behaved reasonably honestly even if it took him some time to tell you that he wasn’t looking for an exclusive relationship. There is no doubt that it would have made your life easier if he had done this earlier, but at least he came clean eventually and that alone redeems him somewhat. Your reaction to the demise of your relationship with Ed does seem closely linked to your frame of mind before Ed. You were under stress, he provided comfort and distraction from the other things going on in your life and you benefited from this until he dashed your hopes (realistic or otherwise) for a future together. You were and are left facing your previous demons and, in addition, mourning the loss of a potential mate. The way forward is perhaps to differentiate very clearly between the two problems. Try to block out your feelings and thoughts about Ed. The relationship is over. No looking back, no ‘what if’ musings. Instead, concentrate on resolving the issues you faced before Ed and now so that you can face the future with greater equanimity and contemplate new relationships on a more even keel. In other words, put yourself first so that you can face the world from a better place. Best of luck,– JAF Baer Dear Miss F, Thank you very much for your letter. I agree with everything Mr Baer has written above — especially regarding your capacity to look at yourself unflinchingly. What I would like to do is “explain his explanation” (Mr. Baer’s) by using Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love and how it weaves into your very own words. We have used Sternberg’s theory many times in this column because to us it is the only theory of love (among thousands!) that has been accurately validated in 45 countries and counting. It suggests that interpersonal relationships are built on three core components: intimacy (emotional closeness), passion (physical attraction/romance), and commitment (the decision to maintain the relationship). Here are the questions you asked in your letter: Is it possible that the comfort he provided became tied to my need for relief from everything else I was carrying? Mr. Baer has already answered this question. What I would like to answer is closely connected to this: “(EVEN if) I’ve experienced rejection and heartbreak before, but I’ve… been able to process them” WHY is this time different? This time is different because this is the first time your actual self-concept has been affected. Your past relationships merely confirmed that “It is what it is; Love is complicated for women like me.” But this relationship questions whether you are actually the woman you merely thought you were: a woman who welcomed boyfriends, but got over them quickly enough when they ceased being so. This time you realized that you were much more than that: Yes, you welcomed boyfriends, but you needed much more than that. You need not just romance and passion that boyfriends provide, you also need the intimacy that true friendship brings. How should I understand the emotional impact of the inconsistency I experienced? By accepting the fact that, like many people, you are lonely. You need people to thrive. We all do because, as neuroscience has shown, our brains are wired to connect to others. So, when a friend you thought you had no longer feels like a true friend, of course you feel it much more than merely losing a boyfriend. To you, Ed was not just possible (boyfriend) material. To you, Ed was someone you felt emotionally close to (intimacy); someone you felt you could open up to about your fears and stress. You wrote, “(Ed) gave me a sense of calm… because… everything else seemed quieter.” You can only feel this way if you feel safe. You felt safe with Ed; you felt seen by him, you could tell him things you couldn’t tell others. What else is intimacy but this? Where everything is calm because you do not have to be hyper vigilant, because you both have each other’s back. And most importantly, how do I begin moving forward without getting stuck trying to make sense of what happened? By accepting all the above and realizing it, you did not need a guy who could whisper sweet nothings to you and make you kilig. What you needed was a true friend. Period. All the best,– MG Holmes – Rappler.com Life got complicated? Write to our Two Pronged duo at twopronged@rappler.com.