Traveling As A Gay, Married Couple: My Philosophy & Practical Approach

There’s no denying that on some level, travel is political. I mean, definitionally, politics relates to the government, public affairs, and control of a country or group, or the systems and rules by which people live together in society. So while I try to leave politics out of my travel reviews, laws and norms around the world absolutely impact everyone’s experience when traveling. I’m gay, and married, and even have two kids, so people will sometimes have comments or questions about how that impacts my travels, where I choose to go, and what I elect to disclose. So I’d like to talk about that a bit in this post, and then I’d be curious to hear how others approach this. A few travel disclaimers to startIt’s important to be out and unapologeticComing out is a never-ending, complicated processThere’s value in interactions at all levelsLaws in different countries can be tough to rationalizeHow does traveling with kids factor into this?Bottom line A few travel disclaimers to start Before I get too deep into sharing my approach when it comes to traveling and being gay, let me acknowledge a few things: I recognize I’m incredibly fortunate to live in a country where I can (for the most part) live my life freely, and I’m also blessed to have a supportive family, and to be financially independent; even in the United States, plenty of people don’t have accepting families, and might not be able to support themselves financially, leading to some bad situations There’s a big difference between being a visitor somewhere and trying to live one’s life somewhere, so I’m not suggesting “well I didn’t have any problems in X country, and therefore no one will” I’m just sharing my experiences and beliefs, which I’ve come to after endless travel over the years, and for that matter, I evolve on some topics over time; of course others may have different experiences, and I’m not saying these opinions will apply everywhere in the world In the comments section I’d love to hear how others approach these complex issues, though I ask that everyone be respectful; we can all share our beliefs without putting other people down With that out of the way, let me share my general philosophy. There’s a difference between traveling somewhere and living there It’s important to be out and unapologetic Any gay person knows that coming out can be complicated — that starts with coming out to yourself and accepting who you are. The older I’ve gotten, the less sheepish and more unapologetic I’ve become about being gay. What people think about me being gay isn’t something I’m going to lose any sleep over — that’s their problem, not mine. That includes when traveling to countries that might on the surface be less accepting of gay travelers. I’ll take it a step further in saying that I think it’s my duty to come out whenever I can. The goal isn’t to make people uncomfortable or shame them into acceptance, but rather to build a bridge, and normalize people of different backgrounds as much as possible. We all have preconceived notions about certain groups of people, and the way to get over those is to show people that our similarities outnumber our differences. Now, let me add a caveat there. While I think it’s important to be out and unapologetic, personally my sexuality doesn’t define my identity or who I am as a person. I don’t say that in a self-loathing way, but instead, my preference is to highlight similarities rather than differences. I’d rather not be thought of as a “gay couple” or “gay family” or whatever. I’d like to think we’re just a couple, or family, or whatever. That just reflects my general beliefs system in life, that I think there are so many more similarities than differences between us, and I don’t feel the need to point out “hey, I’m different” or “I’m special.” There’s nothing wrong with people who take a different approach, but that’s just me. Coming out is a never-ending, complicated process When you travel as a gay couple in many parts of the world, it’s normal for people to just assume that you’re friends, brothers, colleagues, etc. I get it, that doesn’t bother me, and I’m not offended in the slightest. I’m never going to be upset at anyone for making that assumption, because, well, I’d spend a lot of time being upset, and that doesn’t benefit anyone. That being said, when I feel it’s safe and helpful to do so, I try to subtly avoid that and correct misconceptions. Let me give some examples: If I’m in contact with a hotel in advance, I’ll make it clear that I’m traveling with my husband, so that they’re clear on what the relationship is, and that booking a room with one bed isn’t a mistake; whether or not they process that correctly is a different story If I’m in a setting where it’s safe to do so (in my travels that’s a vast majority of places), and I’m referring to Ford in any context, I refer to him as what he is, which is my husband If someone refers to him as my friend, I’m typically not going to correct them right away, because I don’t think it helps to make anyone feel like they offended me (and I’m not offended, for that matter); that being said, if I interact with the same person multiple times, I might say “oh I’m just waiting on my husband, he should be here shortly,” or something, so that hopefully they get the hint It’s also important to acknowledge that context matters: If I’m in a taxi in Moscow at 10PM and the driver is trying to get us to go to a strip club, we’re not going to correct him and tell him we’re gay (note: I’m not going to Moscow now, but this did happen when we visited many years back) Generally speaking I feel much more comfortable being openly gay when staying at a major international chain hotel, because they have global standards around acceptance and inclusivity; if I were (theoretically) at a small guest house in a very conservative country, it would of course be a totally different story Sometimes I’m just not in the mood to come out (because it’s exhausting), or the setting isn’t right; several years back I wrote about my experience getting a massage in Singapore, and the lady asked if I had kids, and when I said I didn’t, she asked “why not?” and said that after the massage I’d “be nice and relaxed and can make babies soon,” and I don’t really feel like that’s the time to come out (we did have kids in the end, but it wasn’t due to being nice and relaxed!) I’m still booking a room with one bed, sorry There’s value in interactions at all levels Even at a chain hotel, I think there’s potentially huge value in the individual interactions you can have with people. Perceptions don’t change overnight, but rather it’s a slow process. For example, take Dubai, which has workers from all over the globe. The workers you interact with may be from countries that aren’t accepting of gays. But if you can be yourself around them, and they realize you’re not that different than others, I think there’s value in that, and that over time will lead to a shift in mindsets. Peoples’ perceptions don’t shift because they take a one hour training course about inclusivity when they started their job. They shift through firsthand experiences. Similarly, I’ve had people in countries that aren’t particularly accepting come out to me, and say how they could never come out to their family, etc. But it’s nice to be able to hear them out and be supportive. Just as I hope people become more accepting of my community through firsthand experience, I similarly have evolved my perceptions of groups due to firsthand interactions. Maybe we have a negative perception of a certain country, only to find out that the people are actually very different than we were expecting. There’s value in interactions at all levels Laws in different countries can be tough to rationalize People often say “I’ll never travel to [insert country] because of the laws they have against gays.” That’s totally fair, and I get it. You’re not wrong, and in many cases the laws are very problematic. But for countries like Bahrain, Oman, Qatar, the UAE, etc., I have absolutely no qualms being myself. If someone wants to generally boycott these countries because of the laws, I respect that (and I’ve also covered my thoughts on ethics of flying Gulf carriers). But I also think there’s some nuance to understand: Admittedly a lot of these countries have a lot of laws that aren’t actually enforced, and this goes way beyond being gay; this includes laws around public displays of affection, laws around unmarried people staying in the rooms, laws around sex, etc. For example, until 2020 it was technically illegal for unmarried people to share a hotel room in the UAE; yet how many tens of millions of unmarried couples visited the UAE over time, shared a hotel room, and had no issues? Essentially many Middle Eastern countries operate on a system of unenforced laws, which is a problem, but that also goes way beyond laws involving same sex relationships I have an endless number of gay friends who live in countries that are thought of as being anti-gay, yet they choose to live there, and have a positive view on things; it would be rich for me to come in and tell them how they should feel about their own lives and decisions My philosophy is that if you’re respectful to locals, including following local customs, then they’ll be respectful back to you I also think it’s important to recognize when countries are making progress, even if they’re not as far along as other countries, or as far along as many of us would like them to be. I think we often forget that many countries in the Middle East have official religions, and are only a few decades old. Yes, it’s the year 2026 for all of us, but there’s a difference between a country that has been around for hundreds of years and claims to not be guided by a particular religion, and a country that has been around for a few decades and is based on religious law. As I also recently wrote about, there’s often nuance to this stuff that’s missing. Laws are generally in reference to sexual activity, rather than in reference to “being gay,” or whatever. Speaking of the complexity of laws, you can even run into trouble in countries with things having nothing to do with sexuality. I’ve basically been banned from Egypt for criticizing the airport in a blog post, so… Laws in the Middle East are complex How does traveling with kids factor into this? I do have to admit that my approach is a little different based on whether I’m traveling alone, traveling with Ford, or we’re traveling as a family, with one or both of our kids. As you’d expect, the travel experiences I’m willing to consider differ with each set of circumstances. When I’m traveling alone, I have almost no limits to where I’m willing to go. When I’m traveling with Ford, I try to pick places where we’ll at least both feel relatively comfortable. Meanwhile if we’re traveling as a family, I try to have a really high standard in that regard. Admittedly our older son is four years old and younger son is one year old, so we don’t have that much experience yet. But so far our travels have primarily been limited to the European Union, Mexico, and Caribbean, along with domestic travel. The first two are generally pretty gay friendly in that regard (especially on the tourism front), while the Caribbean can be a bit trickier. Our only Caribbean trip was with our older son when he was a baby, and that went well. Admittedly you sometimes get a look or two, but everyone was nice enough, so I can’t really complain. I’m still figuring out the limits of what I’d feel comfortable with, but that’s the experience we’ve had up until now. We’re more cautious with where we take our kids Bottom line I often get questions about my approach to traveling to countries that (on the surface) aren’t particularly accepting of gay travelers. Hopefully the above is a useful rundown of the approach that I take. Personally I think it’s important to try to be “out” whenever you safely can, and for that matter, I just don’t have interest in traveling to destinations where I have to hide who I am. There’s admittedly a balance here, since local customs have to be respected as well. But those aren’t always as black and white as people might assume. Again, I don’t claim that my approach is right, as I think there are lots of reasonable perspectives to have on this. I do think it’s important to disagree respectfully, though. I’m curious how those in the OMAAT community approach this issue, if relevant?