TikTok’s underhand tactics have finally forced me to delete app – it’s just a portal into a world of idiots

LAST weekend, I made a big and sudden decision and deleted the TikTok app from my phone. And my life. I joined about a year ago and, to begin with, I rather enjoyed it. TikTok’s underhand tactics have finally forced me to delete app – it’s just a portal into a world of idiots Credit: AFP The algorithm had looked at my online search history and served up speeches from ­Ronald Reagan Credit: Getty The algorithm had looked at my online search history, listened to my conversations and somehow monitored the thoughts in my head, and was able to serve up content that I’d like to see. Which was mostly the speeches of ­Ronald Reagan. Over time, this rather narrow band of visual entertainment broadened to include Malcolm Tucker clips from The Thick Of It and an old man who was permanently cross with the Government. And that was all fine by me. I was permanently cross with the Government too, and I love Malcolm Tucker. Soon, I was spending quite a lot of my time idly scrolling through videos because once every 20 minutes or so something funny or interesting would pop up. So then I’d scroll some more. But I never actually posted anything myself and never once liked anyone else’s posts either. Nor did I follow anyone. I was a TikTok voyeur, not an exhibitionist. And, plainly, TikTok doesn’t like that. TikTok needs users who are engaged because, somehow, engagement is what keeps the whole thing going. So it started to send me stuff I really didn’t like at all. Morons with rings in their noses banging on about Palestine. Weird beards weeping into their smoothies about ­climate change. Thickos with warped views on wealth creation. TikTok needs users who are engaged because, somehow, engagement is what keeps the whole thing going Credit: Getty Watching a Latvian girl dancing in her kitchen is no match for sitting down with your grandchildren and reading them a Winnie the Pooh story Credit: Alamy And as a result, I did start to engage, telling these people exactly what I thought of their views. The algorithm obviously spotted this and thought: “Aha, now we know what it takes to get this man involved.” So it started sending me lots of vegans and I engaged with them, too. Then, as a final straw, a never-ending stream of Andy-bloody-Burnham looking concerned about whatever he thought he should be concerned about that day. I’d had enough and deleted the whole damn thing, and I strongly urge you to do the same thing because my life, in just a week, has changed completely. I’ve done a 1,000-piece jigsaw. I’ve been for long walks in the woods with my dogs. I’ve arranged to see friends in the pub for a pint. And my work rate has shot up as well. TikTok had become something of an addiction. I convinced myself that it ­provided a window on to the soul of the nation but it’s no such thing. It’s a portal into a world of idiots, show-offs and has-beens. And I’m sorry but watching a ­Latvian girl dancing in her kitchen is no match for sitting down with your grandchildren and reading them a Winnie The Pooh story. Which I now have time to do. AS you may have heard, the Home Office has produced a pamphlet, which will be given to ­Channel immigrants ­arriving in the UK, ­saying that rape is illegal and that you can’t beat your wife. This has gone down extremely badly with pro- immigration charities. Louise Calvey, a spokesman-woman with extremely left-wing hair said this week that by telling an immigrant not to rape anyone, “the Government is fuelling hostility, suspicion and racism”. Give me strength. MAKING A MEAL OF 'HOG I SAW my first ever hedgehog this week and, annoyingly, it was dead. Like almost all hedgehogs in this country, it had been killed by a badger, which had used its enormous razor-sharp claws to get through the prickly exterior to the meaty centre. Which it had eaten. And, in a twist that you don’t read about in many children’s stories, the badger then defecated the digested hedgehog it had devoured on to the head of the carcass. The Cotswolds, eh? It’s not all butterflies and flower-arranging. People should be aware of that before they move here. Pay to stay cool? What a brolly good idea I’m always happy to pay an enterprising soul who’s set up some shade and some beds Credit: Getty ITALIAN socialists are waging a war on beach clubs that force holidaymakers to pay for an umbrella and a bed. I daresay this movement has a lot of support, because why should anyone pay to use a beach? Yes well, hang on. I’ve been to many pristine beaches in my time: quiet, beautiful, palm-fringed slices of paradise. And it’s always the same story. You lay down on the sand and straight away you’re too hot and then the sand sticks to your suncream and after ten miserable minutes you’re thinking, “Right. Where’s the bar?” That’s why I’m always happy to pay an enterprising soul who’s set up some shade and some beds and is able to sell me an iced beer whenever I’m in the mood. Which, when I’m on holiday, is always. I WENT WILD, IT STINKS THE Guardian newspaper informed us this week that some rewilded wetlands in Somerset have remained green this summer while all the surrounding farmland is a worrying shade of beige. Well, yes, but I think the key word here is “wetlands”. Which brings us back to this rewilding business. Initially I was a fan and ten years ago decided to leave a patch of my farm completely alone. I did what Chris Packham and his Guardian mates want and put nature in the driving seat. And what I’ve ended up with is an impenetrable five-acre tangle of brambles, which smells terrible because of all the rotting dead wild- life in there. GOING OFF THE TRAILS This may come as a surprise to our Labourite friends in government – a vapour trail is just water Credit: Getty THE Labourite Government has decided to spend millions of pounds on a scheme designed to reduce the number of vapour trails left in the sky by jet airliners. They are going to discourage pilots and air- traffic controllers from flying planes through the sort of meteorological conditions where these trails might form. They say this will reduce climate change, but I really can’t see how global warming can be reduced by making planes take lengthy detours. But also – and this may come as a surprise to our Labourite friends in government – a vapour trail is just water. Which, in the big scheme of things, isn’t very environmentally damaging at all. THERE’S a comedian called Dan Docimo who you’ve almost certainly never heard of. I hadn’t either. But he does have a very wry take on AI. He said that if any other technological breakthrough had come with some of AI’s drawbacks, it probably wouldn’t have caught on. “If Henry Ford said 118 years ago, this is the Model T. It’s going to revolutionise transportation. “Also it makes a lot of child pornography and I can’t get it to stop.”He has a point. SOMEONE has ­produced a list of words that have been introduced each year so that you can see what came along at the time you were born. And in the year of my birth, 1960, “powerslide” was invented. Which is a good thing because, without it, I wouldn’t have had a job on the telly. RED HOT CHILLI PECKER TO enliven a pasta dish I made this week, I chopped up a small Carolina reaper chilli pepper, left, and added it to the sauce. And then, as it simmered, I went for a wee. Top tip. If you do this, wash your hands before removing your old chap. Because if you don’t, you will have a VERY uncomfortable evening.