These 10 relationship questions reveal your couple type – and fix ‘blind spots’

Forget date nights and whether you remembered your anniversary. The real state of a relationship is usually revealed in rather less glamorous moments: who notices you’ve run out of loo roll, what happens when you’re both tired, how you behave when one of you is in a mood, and whether “it’s fine” actually means nothing of the sort. Most couples develop a relationship style without ever consciously choosing it. Some become brilliantly efficient. Some avoid conflict so successfully that they also avoid talking about anything difficult. Others give each other so much space that they forget to come back together. There are no perfect scores here. Pick the answer that describes what you actually do, not the person you become when completing relationship quizzes… Shorts 1. You unexpectedly have Saturday completely free. What happens? a) One of you has probably decided what you’re doing before the otherhas finished breakfast.b) You throw a few ideas around and settle on something you both fancy.c) You repeatedly say “I don’t mind” until somehow you are both mildly irritated.d) You each have things you want to do and arrange to meet up later.e) You do what you normally do on Saturdays. It works. Why complicate things? 2. Your partner comes home in a foul mood. What’s your instinct? a) Find out what’s wrong and immediately start suggesting solutions.b) Gauge whether they want comfort, advice, food, a glass of wine or to be left alone.c) Ask if they’re OK. They say “fine”. You know they’re not fine. Nobody mentions this again.d) Give them space. They’ll talk about it if they want to.e) Carry on with the evening. You’ve been together long enough not to take every bad mood personally. 3. Your partner has a domestic habit that drives you quietly insane. What happens? a) You tell them. Often.b) You mention it, have a minor grumble and mostly manage to keep it in proportion.c) You say nothing for months, then bring it up during an entirely unrelated argument.d) You accept that living with another human inevitably involves encountering their baffling ways.e) You stopped expecting them to change years ago. 4. When did you last surprise your partner? a) Fairly recently, although it was probably something I organised.b) Recently enough that I can remember it – and it didn’t necessarily involve spending money.c) I often think of nice things I could do. Whether I actually get around to them is another matter.d) We’re not really surprise people. We show affection in less demonstrative ways.e) Does bringing home nice biscuits count? 5. You’re going away for a long weekend. Who sorts it out? a) One of you. If they didn’t, you might still be discussing hotels at the departure gate.b) You divide it up fairly naturally: one books the hotel, the other sorts travel or restaurants.c) One person does most of it while insisting they don’t mind doing most of it. They may, in fact, mind.d) You agree the basics but don’t feel the need to plan every moment together.e) You return to somewhere you already know and like. You know where the decent coffee is and there will be no nasty surprises. 6. You’re sitting together after dinner. What are you most likely to be doing? a) One of you is talking; the other is half-listening while doing something else.b) Sometimes chatting, sometimes watching something, sometimes doing absolutely nothing. It feels companionable rather than awkward.c) Both on your phones, periodically showing each other things the other person doesn’t find quite as funny as hoped.d) Quite possibly doing different things in different rooms.e) Watching the programme you always watch, from the places you always sit, with the snacks you always buy. 7. Here comes That Argument. You both know this one. What happens next? a) One of you wants to sort it out now. The other would very much prefer not to.b) You might get cross, but eventually you can usually work out what you’re really arguing about.c) You stop because neither of you wants a row, although the problem itself remains alive and well.d) You go your separate ways, cool down and usually decide life is too short to restart it.e) You could probably perform both sides of the argument yourself. There are no new lines. 8. Your partner is offered something fantastic – but it will make your life considerably less convenient. What do you think first? a) “That’s brilliant. Now, how on earth are we going to make this work?”b) “I’m thrilled for you. Let’s work out what it means for both of us.”c) “That’s amazing!” followed by a thought you don’t feel terribly proud about.d) “It’s their decision. I don’t want to stand in their way.”e) “Do we really want to disrupt everything when life is working perfectly well?” 9. Be honest: who knows that you’re nearly out of washing powder, someone needs to buy a birthday present and the boiler service is overdue? a) Mainly one of you. The other will happily help when given instructions.b) It varies. You both tend to notice what needs doing without one person having to issue a job list.c) One of you knows, but wishes the other would notice without being asked.d) You each have your own areas and largely leave the other person to get on with theirs.e) You’ve been doing the same jobs for so long now that nobody remembers how the arrangement started. 10. Which of these would you least like your partner to say about your relationship? a) “I sometimes feel more like your assistant thanyour partner.”b) “I love you, but I’m not sure you’re as curious about me as you used to be.”c) “I never quite know what you really want because you don’t tell me.”d) “Sometimes I miss you even when we’re both at home.”e) “Nothing’s particularly wrong. But when did we become quite so predictable?” Jo Hemmings offers her insight into the most common relationship types (Photo: David Myers Photography) The results.. Whichever letter you picked most often is probably your default couple mode. A tie is perfectly normal. Relationships are messy, people are contradictory and, mercifully, human beings do not divide neatly into five categories. Mostly A The relationship CEO Things get done in your relationship. The question is: by whom? One of you has probably become the engine of the relationship: suggesting, organising, remembering, initiating and occasionally wondering why they have acquired an unpaid management position. This doesn’t necessarily mean one partner is controlling and the other lazy. Couple roles creep up on us. The more competent one person becomes at taking charge, the easier it is for the other to step back. Eventually both can feel trapped by an arrangement neither actually chose. Your strength You are functional. Plans happen, decisions get made and somebody generally knows where the passports are. Your blind spot Taking responsibility can slowly turn into carrying responsibility. Meanwhile the less active partner can start to feel managed rather than loved. Your weekend experiment The usual organiser hands over one thing completely – lunch, Saturday night, a day out. The important bit: no reminding, correcting or taking over halfway through. Mostly B The grown-up lovers You appear to have grasped that a good relationship requires both “us” and “me” You can co-operate without requiring agreement on everything. You notice each other, make room for difference and generally repair things when they go wrong. Pretty healthy, in other words. But good relationships have their own trap: assuming that because everything is fine, it requires no further attention. Security is wonderful. Taking each other for granted, less so. Your strength You have what psychologists call interdependence: closeness without losing your separate selves. Your blind spot You may know your partner extremely well – but familiarity can make us stop looking. People change even when relationships don’t. Your weekend experiment Ask your partner something you genuinely don’t know about them: an ambition they haven’t pursued; something they miss; what they would do with a year off. Then resist the temptation to tell them your answer until they have finished theirs. Mostly C The peacekeepers You don’t have many blazing rows. Unfortunately, that may not mean quite what you think it does You’re considerate. You don’t want to be demanding. You may both be excellent at letting things go. Except sometimes they haven’t gone anywhere. Avoiding unnecessary conflict is healthy. Avoiding necessary conflict isn’t. Resentment has a habit of leaking out sideways: a slightly barbed joke, an exaggerated sigh, withdrawal – or an astonishingly emotional reaction to somebody loading a dishwasher incorrectly. Does one of you take the lead when it comes to organisation? (Illustration: Hayley Watson) Your strength You care about each other’s feelings and neither of you wants the relationship to become a battleground. Your blind spot You may expect your partner to infer needs you haven’t actually expressed. Mind-reading remains a surprisingly unreliable relationship strategy. Your weekend experiment Each of you says: “One small thing I’d like more of from you is…” Small is crucial. Not “be more emotionally available”. Try: “Could you put your phone away when I’m telling you about my day.” No rebuttals. No counter-requests. Just listen. Mostly D The independent states You love each other. You just don’t necessarily need to be in the same room while doing it There is something genuinely healthy about a couple who don’t expect each other to provide entertainment, validation and companionship 24 hours a day. You probably have your own interests, friendships and ways of coping. You don’t panic when your partner wants space and may have fewer petty rows than many couples. But there is a difference between independence and disconnection – and it can be surprisingly difficult to notice when you have crossed it. Your strength Trust. You allow each other to remain fully fledged adults rather than treating coupledom as a three-legged race. Your blind spot You can become extremely good at living alongside each other. But intimacy requires occasionally turning towards each other as well. Your weekend experiment Create 90 minutes of deliberate “us” time. Go somewhere, cook something, walk somewhere unfamiliar, sit in a pub. The only rule is that neither of you disappears into a screen. Mostly E The comfortable coasters Congratulations: you have reached that lovely stage where your partner knows precisely how you take your tea. Unfortunately, they may also know almost everything you’re going to say before you say it Your relationship has stability, shared history and rituals. These are valuable things. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being comfortable. But comfort and routine can morph into boredom. Relationships rarely become stale because couples suddenly stop loving each other. More often, they stop noticing each other. Life becomes efficient, familiar and pleasantly unsurprising – until one day somebody wonders where the spark went. Your strength You have built something secure. You know each other’s rhythms, quirks and needs. Your blind spot “We’re fine” can sometimes be the three most dangerous words in a long relationship. Your weekend experiment Do one thing that neither of you has done before. Nothing dramatic is required. Order something you can’t pronounce, take the train somewhere random, go to an exhibition you know nothing about. Novelty wakes up attention – and attention is one of the things long relationships need most. Five things every couple can do – without “working on the relationship” 1. Look up Many attempts at connection are tiny. “Listen to this.” “Look at that dog.” “You’ll never guess what happened today.” They may sound trivial, but they are often miniature requests for attention. You don’t need to respond enthusiastically to every cat video your partner shows you. You do need to notice that sometimes they are really saying: share this moment with me. 2. Have the 10-minute conversation Once a day, give each other 10 minutes when neither of you is simultaneously watching television, answering emails or emptying the dishwasher. Not “what time are you home tomorrow?” Ask how they actually are. Ten minutes sounds laughably small. That is precisely why there is very little excuse not to do it. 3. Say the small thing before it becomes the big thing Couples often avoid raising minor irritations because they don’t want to make a fuss. Unfortunately, suppressed irritation tends not to evaporate. It collects resentment.Say it early, kindly and specifically. The wet towel on the floor is much easier to discuss while it is still just a wet towel. 4. Don’t confuse fairness with 50/50 Healthy relationships are rarely mathematically equal every day. Sometimes one person carries 80 per cent because the other simply can’t. The important questions are: does it move both ways over time, and does the person doing the carrying feel seen? Being appreciated can make an enormous difference to how effort feels. 5. Never assume you’ve finished getting to know them This may be the most important one. Long-term couples accumulate huge amounts of information about each other and mistake that for knowing everything. But the person you fell in love with five, 10 or 20 years ago isn’t exactly the person sitting opposite you now. Neither are you. Keep finding out who they have become.