There’s Something My Fiancé Needs to Do Before We Get Married. He Says If I Keep Bringing It Up, There Will Be No Wedding.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. My fiancé “Karl” and I are getting married in a few months, and I can’t wait to be his wife. But there’s a point of contention between us: Karl has been estranged from his family since he left home at 18. I’ve always been super-close with my family, and can’t imagine what I would do without them. I have been trying to persuade him to reconcile with them before we get married so they can be a part of our lives, but he refuses. He hasn’t given me all the details, only that there was a great deal of emotional abuse by his mother and that his dad would get physical with him from time to time. It’s been more than 10 years since he’s seen or spoken to them, and I really think he needs to give them another chance—people can and do change over time. Karl has said it’s not happening, and if I don’t stop bringing it up he’s going to walk away from our relationship. How can I get him to realize he’s making a terrible mistake by writing off his family without losing him? —Family Matters Dear Family Matters, You’re lucky to have a close and loving relationship with your family. But you’re an adult, and you should know by now that not everyone is so fortunate. Karl’s parents were abusive. It would be one thing if he believed they were likely to change, or wanted to try to reconnect with them, but he apparently doesn’t. It’s his choice whether and how to deal with his family now, not yours. You’ve known that Karl was estranged from his family for a long time—you said that he’s had no contact with them since he was 18. You’ve had plenty of time to listen, to ask questions, to try to understand his decision and come to terms with it. If the estrangement, which isn’t his fault, was a dealbreaker for you, the time to address it would have been long before you got engaged. If you love Karl and want to be with him, you should be able to accept the fact that contact with his family (or lack thereof) is his decision to make, and support him in doing what is best for him. But if you can’t (or won’t) get past his family estrangement, you should at least recognize that that is your limitation/problem and not his, and be honest with him about it. Then he can decide whether he can or wants to deal with your apparent lack of respect for his history and situation. —Nicole More Parenting Advice From Slate My wife and I and our 4-year-old son were out to dinner last week. It was a medium-nice restaurant, not fast food, but not super fancy either. My son is a normal, active little boy, and it’s hard for him to sit through a whole dinner, so we let him explore the restaurant a little. I noticed our waitress giving him the hairy eyeball. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids